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Spoof stories written by Phil Maggitti

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Funny story: Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops

Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops

WEST CHESTER, Penna. - The civilized world was staggered yesterday by Jesus' off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That's 1-to-the-5-plus-0 people, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Fa...

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Funny story: CNN's Nancy Grace Bites Jackson Fan Outside Courthouse

CNN's Nancy Grace Bites Jackson Fan Outside Courthouse

SANTA MARIA, Calif. - Court TV anchor Nancy Grace savagely attacked a Michael Jackson fan outside the Santa Maria courthouse today, as jury selection for Jackson's child molestation trial began. Grace, 45, was conducting sidewalk interviews among leg...

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Funny story: God Installs Caller ID and Automated Phone Menu

God Installs Caller ID and Automated Phone Menu

Because of the overwhelming number of prayers received during this year's election, football, and Christmas seasons, God (a/k/a the Supreme Being, Yaweh, Allah, Abba, and the Big Fella) has installed caller ID and an automated phone menu to handl...

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Funny story: Kobe Bryant Bobblehead Doll Accused of Rape

Kobe Bryant Bobblehead Doll Accused of Rape

CANTON, Ohio - Canton police announced yesterday that they were seeking the newly minted Kobe Bryant bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with the alleged rape of a Los Angeles Lakers cheerleader doll that occurred in the drafting room of th...

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Funny story: George W. Bush, Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton Keywords Recalled by Google

George W. Bush, Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton Keywords Recalled by Google

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. - A spokesperson for the news division of Google Inc. announced yesterday that "due to excessive traffic" Google News had recalled the keywords George W. Bush, Michael Jackson, and Paris Hilton. Any attempts to search the...

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Funny story: Russell Crowe Was Target of Denzel Washington and Julia Roberts Plot

Russell Crowe Was Target of Denzel Washington and Julia Roberts Plot

HOLLYWOOD - Russell Crowe, who should have beaten Denzel Washington like a rented mule in the 2002 Oscar race, was the target of a plot hatched not by al-Qaida, as the besotted Crowe is now telling people, but by Denzel Washington and co-conspirator...

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Funny story: Dan Rather Joins Naked News Team

Dan Rather Joins Naked News Team

NEW YORK - CBS News anchorman Dan Rather will not go gently into that good night after his final broadcast. He will go naked instead. Rather, 73, announced this morning that he is joining the staff of Naked News, where he will serve as weatherman an...

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Funny story: Italians Outraged over Rumsfeld's EZ Pass Remark

Italians Outraged over Rumsfeld's EZ Pass Remark

WASHINGTON - Perhaps Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was not the right person to telephone Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi to convey this country's condolences for the killing of Italian intelligence officer Nicola Calipari and the wounding of...

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Funny story: Did Michael Jackson Tribe Molest Hobbit Tribe

Did Michael Jackson Tribe Molest Hobbit Tribe

WOLLONGONG, Australia - Recent scientific discoveries suggest that the Hobbit tribe, a one-metre-tall race of childlike people who lived on the Indonesian island of Flores between 13,000 and 18,000 years ago, were preyed upon and driven to extinction...

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Funny story: Ten Commandments Collectors Edition Now Available

Ten Commandments Collectors Edition Now Available

OPP, Alabama - A boxed-set, leather-bound collectors edition of the Ten Commandments, complete with an illustrated, twenty-six-page, large-print booklet containing an accurate facsimile of God's original outline and recording notes, will hit record...

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Funny story: George W. Bush Targets Chicken Feet

George W. Bush Targets Chicken Feet

WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush told reporters at a hastily called press conference this morning that health officials have launched a nationwide search for boneless chicken feet-an Asian delicacy that was smuggled into the United States recent...

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Funny story: Martha Stewart Changed Radically in Prison

Martha Stewart Changed Radically in Prison

KATONAH, N.Y. - The trim, dreadlocked Martha Stewart who arrived home from prison this morning is radically diferent from the soft, frumpy-looking woman she was when she began her five-month sentence last October. Stewart told reporters as she left p...

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Funny story: Gates Gets Knighthood Queen Gets Virus

Gates Gets Knighthood Queen Gets Virus

BUCKINGHAM PALACE - Shortly after the private ceremony in which she conferred knighthood on Microsoft founder Bill Gates yesterday, Queen Elizabeth II began "operating sluggishly," said a Buckingham Palace spokesperson.

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Funny story: George W. Bush to Request New Dollar Design

George W. Bush to Request New Dollar Design

WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush told reporters yesterday that he plans to request a new dollar design from the White House's graphic arts department.

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Funny story: Pope's Tracheotomy Performs First Miracle

Pope's Tracheotomy Performs First Miracle

VATICAN CITY - A 22-year-old nurse at Rome's Gemelli Polyclinic claims to be the first beneficiary of a miracle performed by Pope John Paul II's tracheotomy. Gina Lola Palooza told reporters this morning that she saw "a huge flame" burst from John Pa...

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Funny story: Michael Jackson Jury About As Black As Michael

Michael Jackson Jury About As Black As Michael

SANTA MARIA, Calif. -- The twelve people who will decide whether Michael Jackson did indeed ply a thirteen-year-old former cancer patient with Mogen David 20/20 and erotic-shaped gummy bears is a jury of Michael's peers in one significant way: none o...

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Funny story: More Bush Tapes Revealed

More Bush Tapes Revealed

WASHINGTON - Doug Wead, who secretly taped nine hours of phone conversations with George W. Bush, told The New York Times yesterday, "There's more where those came from." Wead, a former Amway distributor and Assemblies of God minister, said th...

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