WEST CHESTER, Penna. - The civilized world was staggered yesterday by Jesus' off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That's 1-to-the-5-plus-0 people, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Fa...
SANTA MARIA, Calif. - Court TV anchor Nancy Grace savagely attacked a Michael Jackson fan outside the Santa Maria courthouse today, as jury selection for Jackson's child molestation trial began. Grace, 45, was conducting sidewalk interviews among leg...
Because of the overwhelming number of prayers received during this year's election, football, and Christmas seasons, God (a/k/a the Supreme Being, Yaweh, Allah, Abba, and the Big Fella) has installed caller ID and an automated phone menu to handl...
CANTON, Ohio - Canton police announced yesterday that they were seeking the newly minted Kobe Bryant bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with the alleged rape of a Los Angeles Lakers cheerleader doll that occurred in the drafting room of th...
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. - A spokesperson for the news division of Google Inc. announced yesterday that "due to excessive traffic" Google News had recalled the keywords George W. Bush, Michael Jackson, and Paris Hilton. Any attempts to search the...
HOLLYWOOD - Russell Crowe, who should have beaten Denzel Washington like a rented mule in the 2002 Oscar race, was the target of a plot hatched not by al-Qaida, as the besotted Crowe is now telling people, but by Denzel Washington and co-conspirator...
NEW YORK - CBS News anchorman Dan Rather will not go gently into that good night after his final broadcast. He will go naked instead. Rather, 73, announced this morning that he is joining the staff of Naked News, where he will serve as weatherman an...
WASHINGTON - Perhaps Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was not the right person to telephone Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi to convey this country's condolences for the killing of Italian intelligence officer Nicola Calipari and the wounding of...
WOLLONGONG, Australia - Recent scientific discoveries suggest that the Hobbit tribe, a one-metre-tall race of childlike people who lived on the Indonesian island of Flores between 13,000 and 18,000 years ago, were preyed upon and driven to extinction...
OPP, Alabama - A boxed-set, leather-bound collectors edition of the Ten Commandments, complete with an illustrated, twenty-six-page, large-print booklet containing an accurate facsimile of God's original outline and recording notes, will hit record...
WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush told reporters at a hastily called press conference this morning that health officials have launched a nationwide search for boneless chicken feet-an Asian delicacy that was smuggled into the United States recent...
KATONAH, N.Y. - The trim, dreadlocked Martha Stewart who arrived home from prison this morning is radically diferent from the soft, frumpy-looking woman she was when she began her five-month sentence last October. Stewart told reporters as she left p...
BUCKINGHAM PALACE - Shortly after the private ceremony in which she conferred knighthood on Microsoft founder Bill Gates yesterday, Queen Elizabeth II began "operating sluggishly," said a Buckingham Palace spokesperson.
WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush told reporters yesterday that he plans to request a new dollar design from the White House's graphic arts department.
VATICAN CITY - A 22-year-old nurse at Rome's Gemelli Polyclinic claims to be the first beneficiary of a miracle performed by Pope John Paul II's tracheotomy. Gina Lola Palooza told reporters this morning that she saw "a huge flame" burst from John Pa...
SANTA MARIA, Calif. -- The twelve people who will decide whether Michael Jackson did indeed ply a thirteen-year-old former cancer patient with Mogen David 20/20 and erotic-shaped gummy bears is a jury of Michael's peers in one significant way: none o...
WASHINGTON - Doug Wead, who secretly taped nine hours of phone conversations with George W. Bush, told The New York Times yesterday, "There's more where those came from." Wead, a former Amway distributor and Assemblies of God minister, said th...
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