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Electoral College Formally Declares General Public as Loser of Election

The Electoral College came together again on Monday to honor the age-old tradition of pissing off approximately 50% of the population. Similar methods of cultural division have been tried out over the years such as the Twilight Book Series and th...

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Mexicans Looking At Southern U.S.: "Border Wall Not Such a Bad Idea"

"They're sending tourists, they're sending banjos. And some, I assume, believe in climate change." Last night the 2016 Presidential Election finally came to its stunning conclusion, with Donald Trump of New York being announced as the 45th Presid...

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House Republicans Shocked to Learn 18th Time's Isn't A Charm

"I could've sworn this influx of duplicate emails we've already seen before would present us with some new information." After completing his review of the recently discovered email collection, FBI Director James Comey has stated that no addition...

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FBI Reopens Investigation Into Clinton Smoke Signal Server

Last week FBI Director James Comey announced that the ongoing investigation into Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton's private messaging database would continue due to new evidence being presented. "Recent investigations have found a startling...

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Donald Trump Calls Out Voter Fraud, Loses Support with Dead People

"People that have died 10 years ago are still voting," Trump said on Monday during a speech in Wisconsin, "Bruce Willis, Sean Bean, these guys have been dead for years and they're still out there voting. I prefer my action movie heroes to remain peri...

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9 out of 10 Dentists Recommend Tic Tacs to Billionaires Trying to Cheat on Their Wife

A new poll among dentists found that Tic Tac brand breath fresheners are above and beyond the mint of choice when it comes to creeping out daytime soap opera stars. "It's a no-brainer really," one dentist said, "The alternatives lack strength and...

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Gary Johnson Fails to Remember All 151 Original Pokemon, Loses Support with 90's Kids

Another day, another blunder for the Johnson campaign. In a recent interview the former Governor of New Mexico was once again unable to respond to the simplest of personal questions: What was your favorite Generation 1 starter Pokemon? "I never ca...

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Poll: "Most Americans Would Rather Eat Poisoned Skittles Than Trump Flavored Candy Corn."

"If I had a bowl of Skittles and I told you just three would kill you. Would you take a handful? That's our Syrian refugee problem." Donald Trump's son Donald Trump Jr. (not to be confused with the mint) tweeted out an image with this controversia...

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Colin Kaepernick Refuses to Participate in Age-Old Baseball Traditions

Funny story: Colin Kaepernick Refuses to Participate in Age-Old Baseball Traditions

San Francisco 49ers quarter back Colin Kaepernick was recently spotted at a local baseball game refusing to throw his hands up when the Wave reached his section. ‚Äč"I couldn't believe my eyes," one onlooker had to say before biting into his $8 pret...

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