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Spoof stories written by Dr Farquar

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Funny story: Woman 'Moans' about suffering 200 Orgasms a Day.

Woman 'Moans' about suffering 200 Orgasms a Day.

This article is really something to shout about "Dozens of women are suffering from a condition that makes them have hundreds of orgasms every day. Researchers have identified the condition as 'persistent sexual arousal syndrome'. American sufferer Jean Lund, 51, says when she told her gynaecologist he said, "You're every man's dream." Office manager Jean says, "I looked at him in the fa...

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Funny story: Picking Your Nose & Eating It Not Just Socially Acceptable... but Good for You!

Picking Your Nose & Eating It Not Just Socially Acceptable... but Good for You!

"Picking your nose and eating it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor. Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthy, happier a...

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Funny story: A Random Collection of Perry & Terrys Pet Hates with Pork Scratchings# 000352647

A Random Collection of Perry & Terrys Pet Hates with Pork Scratchings# 000352647

After years of research and a constant stream of psychotic experiences in the pub, Perry & Terry share what pisses them off. People who major in all the arts but can't draw the curtains. Critics who never complain after a blowjob. The humble accountant. They must count for something. When horses are called stupid names like "Transsexual" and you are forced to place an each way bet...

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Funny story: What the Swiss are Missing

What the Swiss are Missing

When we think of Switzerland, what springs to mind? Our imagination fills with a plethora, of awesome, sweeping, giant ice-capped mountains, with deep forested, green valleys, strewn with little log havens. Men stuck up mountains, blowing each other'...

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Funny story: Time is a Changing - Scientists claim an instant is now shorter

Time is a Changing - Scientists claim an instant is now shorter

The length of an instant has just become shorter, according to scientists. Researchers in Austria and Germany measured the smallest time interval recorded, and found it lasted a ten million billionth of a second. It's about ten times shorter than the...

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Funny story: Dr Farquar and Happy Hour

Dr Farquar and Happy Hour

Happy Hour? Only forty odd years ago the minimum drinking age was 21 years. Pubs opened and shut with strict split second timing. Drunken or antisocial behaviour were not tolerated. The 'Off licence' was the only place you could get alcohol out of pub hours. On a Sunday morning, it was impossible to get alcohol. Now we have access to booze 24-7. Supermarkets. Nightclubs. Duty free 'booze cr...

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Funny story: In the Light of the Plight of the Red Cross is Facebook Crippling our Emergency Services?

In the Light of the Plight of the Red Cross is Facebook Crippling our Emergency Services?

Popular social media platform, Facebook, has been in the centre of a row with our global emergency services. Over 14 million 999 calls were made last year in the UK alone, to our already exhausted emergency services by young and old who want to share trivialities on the Internets most popular social networking sit Facebook. Other calls to counselling services, and missing persons burea...

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Funny story: Dr Farquar and eBay

Dr Farquar and eBay

Stuff You Won't see on eBay Robbie Williams backstage pass to appear on 'Trish' David Seamen anagram for his last name 'Enema's (who says nothing gets past him?) Arnold Shwartzeneggers benchpress (he won't be spending 12 hours a day in the gym now!) Laurence Llewellen Bowen's personal handmirror in scrolled gothic 'very euro bohemian' gilted in gold flake and old virginia with those...

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Funny story: Dr Farquar and The Generation Gap

Dr Farquar and The Generation Gap

How can life begin at forty? Surely it begins when you are born doesn't it? (Contributed by Alex Petty) Dr F. Life does not begin at forty. Ask John Lennon or Jill Dando. Why do teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly the same? (Contributed by Alex Petty) Dr F. Discourage kids from spending your money on designer clothes and trainers. Have George Armani o...

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Funny story: Dr Farquar and Growing Old

Dr Farquar and Growing Old

People say 'Life begins at forty' but neglect to say you are fucked at fifty. If 'Life begins at forty' what would John Lennon have to say about that? Yes, old age comes to all of us. I am just a year or two off the half-century mark and already exhibiting signs of dementia. For example: Sleeping with other women I believe to be my wife. Shoplifting, obviously. Forgetting it's my round of beer.

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Funny story: Dr Farquar and Growing Up

Dr Farquar and Growing Up

How did I get to fifty years old without one risk assessment or health action plan? Am I a total fuckwit? Many a time I ran through the house with a pair of scissors as a kid and am still here I am to tell the tale. When we were kids we did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cellphones, no p...

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Funny story: Dr Farquar and 101 things

Dr Farquar and 101 things

Why don't.... ..Police interrogation officers get confessions by pushing the perpetrator into a darkened room with a random upturned 3 pin plug left on the floor. ..can openers have a 'best by' date on them? ..1% of household germs wipe out life on this planet? ..aboriginals when they eat grubs feel disgust when we eat caviar? ..we ever remember the exact amount when our parents asked "How...

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Funny story: Dr Farquar presents The Latest Least Xenophobic International Poll

Dr Farquar presents The Latest Least Xenophobic International Poll

I'm proud to be English because when we have a joke told to us, and don't understand it, we pull a face like we have made a mistake in our trousers. We don't just laugh politely, like the Dutch. The Dutch are a fickle race. You can get arrested for growing plants but for not smoking them. You can legally kill yourself. You take the piss out of the Germans and still drink their beer. I love...

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Funny story: Dr Farquar and Corporates

Dr Farquar and Corporates

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. All you see is burgermeat and self satisfaction. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant, and then an analyst to understand why the cow has dropped dead. You then draft in two private doctors mainstream bereavement counsellors. A Tibetan self-styled Guru. You join the Bahai faith and spent a fort...

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Funny story: Dr Farquar and Embarrassing Bodies

Dr Farquar and Embarrassing Bodies

Questions from my patients. Embarrassing Bodies. Do we all deserve the body we stand in? I'm a zookeeper. My mouth is where my anus should be. My penis is where my right thumb should be. Should I be careful in the monkey enclosure at feeding time? Claude Nutts DR F: Lucky you! So you still talk shite but don't need a dummy anymore? I've an embarrassing body. It's the body of elders at...

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Funny story: Democrats Are Better Lovers Than Republicans opinion poll finds

Democrats Are Better Lovers Than Republicans opinion poll finds

A poll of 900 American singles found by a two-to-one margin that Democrats are better in bed, with 49% of the respondents saying that President George W Bush is the best-looking candidate while 53% of the women imagine that challenger John Kerry woul...

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Funny story: Body Art and Coathangers Through the Knee

Body Art and Coathangers Through the Knee

I can remember when Body Art was peculiar to muggers and people that wear string vests and smell of diesel. Tattoos have been with us since before Scottish people could play bagpipes. This took ages to learn and that's why most of them went South bec...

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