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Spoof stories written by Jerry Cornelium

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Math teacher narrowly escapes lynch mob

PEQUOT, SD --- Chanting "Die, die, die," the crowd of rage-maddened parents watched Pequot High School teacher Jake Rodham's house burn to the ground. The twenty-year teaching veteran, a math instructor in the controversy-riddled South Dakota school...

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School sacks Spanish teacher, adds "Tongues" to curriculum

Funny story: School sacks Spanish teacher, adds "Tongues" to curriculum

PEQUOT, SD --- In what has been announced as the first of many firings in his school district, Pequot Superintendent of Schools Pat Burn presented Spanish teacher Constanza de la Barca with a notice of termination. Burn announced Pequot High School w...

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Woman Who Scalped Teen Objects to Mislabeling

Funny story: Woman Who Scalped Teen Objects to Mislabeling

BOISE, ID --- Call it a temper problem. Call is a misplaced sense of moral values. But you better be careful what you call women around 26 year-old Marianne Dahle. She'll scalp you. For real! Just ask her young friend "Sheila". And now that she is in...

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Bush Orders All Payments to Satirists Halted!

Funny story: Bush Orders All Payments to Satirists Halted!

WASHINGTON, DC --- Hoping to forestall another scandal involving government payouts to the media, President George W. Bush today announced a halt to all payments to satirists. A recent congressional investigation revealed the White House was playing...

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Titan Pictures Phony

Funny story: Titan Pictures Phony

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL --- If you thought the newly released pictures of Saturn's most interesting moon, Titan, looked an awful lot like the Viking shots of Mars taken in the 1970s, you're right. Recently leaked information revealed that the Cassini-Huyg...

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"Abused" Infant Simulators Prompt Free Birth Control Supplies

Funny story: "Abused" Infant Simulators Prompt Free Birth Control Supplies

PEQUOT, SD --- Two years ago, Pequot High School faced a record number of teen pregnancies. Concerned school board and PTA members decided to educate their troubled youngsters, purchasing fifteen computerized "infant simulators" and an award-winning...

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Gatorade Corporation to sue local soft drink manufacturer over trademark infringement

Funny story: Gatorade Corporation to sue local soft drink manufacturer over trademark infringement

Spokesman calls rookie entrepreneur's concept "morally repulsive".

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Tykes Hockey to Replace Next NHL Season

Funny story: Tykes Hockey to Replace Next NHL Season

HOLLYWOOD, CA --- With the NHL Lockout continuing well into next season, hockey players as young as four years old are likely to find their way from local cable access channels to national television. That's what ESPN executives said after negoti...

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Spike Lee's Plans To Direct "Elric" Movies Create Controversy

Funny story: Spike Lee's Plans To Direct "Elric" Movies Create Controversy

NEW YORK --- Renowned African American filmmaker Spike Lee today announced he has signed a contract with Sony Pictures to direct six movies based on Michael Moorcock's Elric saga. The central hero of this psychologically complex series is Elric of Me...

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Clooney, O'Reilly Organize Celebrity Blanket Party for Baby-Tossers

Funny story: Clooney, O'Reilly Organize Celebrity Blanket Party for Baby-Tossers

HOLLYWOOD, CA --- Celebrity foes Bill O'Reilly and George Clooney have joined forces for a second time, as they announced a "Celebrity Blanket Party" for a Fort Lauderdale couple who tossed their newborn son out of a moving car earlier this morning.

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Pequot School District Announces "C" Honor Roll

Funny story: Pequot School District Announces "C" Honor Roll

PEQUOT, SD --- A report card that would have earned youngsters a beating twenty years ago will now earn them something else: a place on the honor roll. At least in Pequot, South Dakota. Superintendent of schools, Pat "The Freezer" Burn last Friday an...

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Perverts Flock to Virginia!

Funny story: Perverts Flock to Virginia!

RICHMOND, VA --- For a while it seemed that the prison gates were about to slam shut on a man caught using his video phone to look up the skirts of teenage girls. But thanks to his attorneys -- and a legal loophole -- Jeffrey S. remains a free man. I...

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Snubbed Top Brass Demotes Iraq Mud Wrestlers

Funny story: Snubbed Top Brass Demotes Iraq Mud Wrestlers

CAMP BUCCA, IRAQ --- After their harrowing tour of duty in Iraq, only days away from going home, the men and women of Camp Bucca, Iraq, felt like blowing off a little steam. Now, the Guard unit stands shamed, and the soldiers have mud on their faces.

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Civil Libertarians Protest Joint CIA-Wal Mart Venture to "Rescue" Hubble

LANGLEY, W.VA. --- Protesters continue to flock to CIA Headquarters in Langley, West Virginia in the wake of alleged plans leaked to the media by the Central Intelligence Agency and Wal Mart to restore the ailing Hubble telescope. According to secret...

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Michael Jackson Exposes Buttock at Superbowl Halftime

Funny story: Michael Jackson Exposes Buttock at Superbowl Halftime

JACKSONVILLE, FL --- Superbowl Security failed to react quickly enough as former superstar and accused pedophile Michael Jackson raced across Alltel Stadium's football field to the fifty yard line. Then, in full view of the nearly 80,000 terrified st...

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Pope Clamors for Retirement, Decries Vatican "Sweatshop Practices"

VATICAN CITY --- Sources close to Pope John Paul II have revealed that the pontiff has been begging Vatican officials to be released from his official duties that he may enter retirement. However, the governing council remains adamant in its position...

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Nazi Party Rejects Jacko's Membership Bid

Funny story: Nazi Party Rejects Jacko's Membership Bid

WASHINGTON, DC --- Officials at the American Nazi Party's national headquarters today announced they rejected former pop star and accused pedophile Michael Jackson's membership application not because of his race, but on grounds of "moral turpitude".

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American Nazi Party Turns Over New Leaf

Funny story: American Nazi Party Turns Over New Leaf

PORTLAND, OR --- Oregon Aryans are done being spiteful, self-absorbed hate mongers, at least according to Ed Krappler, Oregon's chief of the American Nazi Party (NSM). And to prove it, Krappler says, all Oregon Nazis will only do good deeds from...

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