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The Peasants' Revolt

Angry chants of the Great Rising from the Peasants' Revolt of the 14th century rang through Westminster yesterday as modern serfs (well-heeled activists brandishing coffee-to-go beakers and Pret à Manger turkey sandwiches) advanced on the capital to...

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Backstop agreement with Santa in jeopardy

Amid frantic efforts to clarify Irish border issues post-Brexit, the government has clean forgotten to forge a deal with Santa Claus. His route famously takes him across the Irish Sea and, more significantly, straight through the Irish border at Rosl...

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May's twin sister fools the Commons as the plot thickens

Desperately short of excuses after her apparent refusal to allow Parliament to vote on the deal with the EU regarding Brexit, Theresa May has now put full blame on her twin sister, Meryl. "No, it wasn't me in the Commons yesterday", puffed an asto...

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Britons face quarantine after Brexit deadline

Just as Theresa May thought she'd struck a deal with her EU counterparts, the 27 remaining member countries have now agreed on a curtailment which will severely hurt any Briton travelling to Europe. As of April 2019, Britons will be subjected to 15 h...

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Trump dismissals becoming chronic

Ever more staff are leaving the White House as Donald Trump's zealous bid to have the building to himself takes form. Head cook Chuck Tate was fired this week for cheating at Whist. "I swear I played the Queen", he mumbled as he piled his belongin...

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Red Indians to replace rednecks on Pennsylvania Avenue

'Alarmed and confused' about developments in their country, indigenous Americans have charged into the White House in Washington and occupied it, effectively putting an end to the Trump administration. Chief Wobbly Clod, a descendant of Crazy Hors...

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Boris the Brat swipes again!

Now the Conservative party is ripping itself apart over Brexit, criticism of Boris the Brat is reaching seismic proportions. And yet: criticising Johnson is like treading water in the Dead Sea. Whatever way you do it, you can't fail. But you don't ge...

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Trump's sanctions against Japan becoming rather silly...

Bent on ensuring fair trade - as he sees it - across the world, Donald Trump has now punished Japanese imports to the promised land by raising tax on their soy sauce. In a tit for tat reaction, Japanese Prime Minister, Shizo Abe, has slapped an extra...

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Trump's dentures modified to avoid misspeaks

As the perils of enunciation smacked in the face of President Trump at his press conference with President Putin in Russia, misspeak has now enhanced fake news as Donald's pet pieces of nomenclature for the imparting of data and official information.

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Leprechauns to control inner-Irish border

Brussels chief negotiator Michel Barnier and UK Prime Minister Theresa May have at last broken the deadlock in the Irish border issue. Brexit Minister, David Davis, has conjured up a new proposal which has been welcomed and approved by his counterpar...

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"Food habits must change. Fit people are a danger to society", says Health Minister

The NHS is to slash costs by targeting fit and healthy people. Following publication of its Advise Leaflet today, "Grease up your life! Eat more fatty food and avoid sport!", GPs are being encouraged to adopt a new approach when consulting patients.

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New British passport to be fifty shades of blue

Whitehall officials yesterday confirmed that all British passport holders currently in possession of the Burgundy European Union document will be issued with a new passport, in fifty shades of blue, once the UK has cast off the shackles of evil, sadi...

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Commons shock: Rees-Mogg and Diane Abbot elope

There was more room in the House of Commons today. Two of its best known actors, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Diane Abbot, announced they had eloped, and would return next week. Journalists tracked them down to Mudford Sock in Somerset, where the couple ar...

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Arsene Wenger signs new 25-year contract and plans 'Le Canard Mort' on retirement

The Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, yesterday renewed his contract with the club for a further 25 years, taking him through to 2043 when he will be 94. Sipping Beaujolais Nouveau through a straw, his red and white Zimmer frame tucked away in the corn...

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NHS to be outsourced

Sainsbury's and Tesco are the big winners of an invitation to tender organized by the NHS to cut costs and outsource specific services. Jeremy Hunt, Secretary of State for Health, welcomed the news, calling it a 'milestone' in the history of healt...

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Trump claims to be descendant of Zeus

"We are brothers", claimed Donald Trump, "and I plan to visit Greece this year to see where my family is buried. That's in Europe, right?" Zeus, the ancient god for sky and thunder in Greek religion was, by all accounts, pretty powerful. According...

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Yorkshire village declares independence

"What a terrific week", said Fred Clout, Mayor of the hamlet of Millington in the East Riding of Yorkshire, England. "We may be leaving the EU, but they're still a great source of inspiration over there." Following Catalonia's move to break awa...

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Clever Corbyn goes Smart

Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has finally grasped the wants of today's generation and proposed a revamp of democracy as we know it. "Yes, all these elections and parties and stuff are anachronistic. I want to take this country into a new era. We w...

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