Tara: Auntie Jean, On the T.V. programmes; "Hotel Inspector" and "How Clean is Your House", I have often seen the presenters, AIexi Poliizei and Aggie McKensit remove feral pubic hairs from beds, showers and baths etc. with tweezers and put them into plastic bags. The sound on my T.V. does not work, so I have long presumed that presenters such as AIexi Poliizei are collectors of pubic hairs. Co-...
High tech blade-less wind farms, the brain child of Isle of Wight inventor Johnny Dyson are to be erected around the Isle of Wight's vegetarian refugee camps. The wind farms, designed to extract the spent air from around the vegetarian New Age se...
QUESTION Recently my wife attended a hen party on the Isle of Wight. After several drinks she began a game with another woman on the pub snooker table. She claims to have had a break of 155. Is this possible? Additionally she then went on to play darts and claims to have achieved a nine dart finish, whatever that was. Mr. Nick Swarzkopf ANSWER Hello Nick. Regarding the snooker, your wif...
"Centrifuges" siezed by customs officers on the Isle of Wight ferry were discovered to be old fashioned washing machines bound for the HMP Isle of Wight prisons it was claimed this morning. The Hotpoint Super-Swirl twin tub machines were thought...
A leading lonely hearts magazine has withdrawn advertisements for bird tables, which misleadingly claim that a certain brand of bird table will attract hundreds of 18-30 year old single women to suburban gardens. The publicity photograph shows s...
Canada, recently twinned with the Isle of Wight, may boast Wonderland, with its exhilarating collection of rides and roller coasters, but it is to be put in the shade by the proposed Smuggler Experience park planned for next season on the Isle of Wig...
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh speaking at the opening of a new Greek themed hypermarket, caused much amusement yesterday, when he pulled out what appeared to be a crumpled script from his pocket and read out the following list, apparently not real...
The Greek minister for skipping and street games, Mr. Aristos Popadopalus Papadopolus has accused the late Lord Elgin of cheating and using illegally weighted marbles in the 1800 contest in which he won a ship full of priceless "marble" marbles.
The Manager of a Motorway Services Station near Scunthorpe has banned the "Weirdo Club Of Great Britain" annual outing from entering the premises this year after complaints from "normal" customers last year that the club members were not weird enough...
The Greek government is refusing to comment on reports that it has bought "The Needles", a major tourist attraction with its own Chili Dog stall and cable car system. The attraction, stolen last week from the Isle of Wight, turned up at a famous...
What was claimed to be a U.S. made search and destroy drone was shot down by a SAM this morning. No casualties were reported. The drone "hit" was claimed by by Mustapha Badpun of the Doner Kebab staff. A spokesman for the Turkish kebab house told...
Investigations by Prince Philip and a rapid response palace Beefeater team yesterday confirmed rumours that Prince Charles, a great fan of the late Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" movie and with a notoriously unusual taste in women, (shunning attractive...
A new religious group using chocolate coated cookies and Cola for communion purposes has outstripped all popular religions in church attendance figures according to "Which Church" magazine. Normally a kind of nasty old bread called Hosta is used. Thi...
Supermarkets in Scunthorpe have taken everything from their shelves, leaving only Easter eggs, according to our Northern correspondent. Hospital A&Es are bursting at the seams with chocolate gorged fatties according to NHS sources. Scunthorpe off...
The Archbishop of Cranbury has called on couples not to be left behind in the post-Easter mad scramble for bathroom suites and fitted kitchens. Major furniture and bathroom superstores have announced that pre-Easter stocks are robust, but that the su...
Jesus wants people for sunbeams again on an interim basis according to a message received by the Archdeacon of Scunthorpe, Dr. Godfrey Gordon Gustavus Gore. The Archdeacon has a private communication system which he accesses by putting his ear to...
A plea has gone out from the Isle Of Wight Tourist Office, warning people not to take unofficial souvenirs home following the loss of a major tourist attraction. The remains of "The Needles" were smuggled out in a white van sometime yesterday accordi...
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