'After paying tribute to Nelson Mandela, Pope Francis says it's time to, "crank up the bass and blow up a stereo."' A Vatican spokesperson. 'After Mandela's passing, I felt compelled to celebrate his life. So I instantly thought about subwoofe...
A high up Military Psychologist has admitted most of the young men who join the military are heartbroken rejects of society. 'I'm not saying all recruits sign up because of emotional distance, or detachment from self. But I am noticing a trend.'...
Circuit boards have made a breathtaking return to technology, Nokia has confirmed. 'I really like Circuit boards. They've made me the person I am today. Rich and successful. I really like them because they look so cool. So I hang them on the wall...
'Spicy Meatballs' is a term used by Italian Chefs who put Meth Amphetamine in their food. DEA officials believe. "We believe we have found an Italian Chef who might be cooking meatballs and meth," said a DEA official. The accused Italian stat...
A new more dangerous terrorists has emerged and he looks just like the old one. Claim CIA. 'It really is astonishing the resemblance...and him having the same name is an amazing coincidence.' said a CIA official. 'We really need to assure the...
Doctor Phil's son Jordan has joined a metal band with which he ridicules his father. It is apparent. 'My band Philophile's first album is about Doctor Phil in general,' says the "Doctor's" son, Jordan. 'Yea I tried growing my hair out long but th...
A secret agent has been caught spying within the NSA, but won't remove his tea towel. Claim experts. 'We're going to have to interrogate him. I mean we were going to anyway...but yea.' A Military official. 'At this stage we're pretty sure th...
Being the president of the United States is really important. But so are you! And I'm here to help where it hurts. All my time in office and I've learned a few....By the way did I mention I'm the president? Not like it matters though. America is pretty much ruled by corporations. But it is nice to have an image for America. Isn't it? Anyway dating is a lot like being an American. Because I...
A man has suffered severe facial deformities after inventing a new type of prune. 'GM foods are becoming more and more popular, but this is one example we should not dismiss.' Benit Row of the food safety commission. 'I've never seen anything...
LGBT officials interrupted during speech by, 'Monster trucks, are not gay.' "Apparently his name is Timmy Tucker. He's a Monster Truck driver. We weren't even on the subject of Monster Trucks!? We never even mention them..." 'We're not on the s...
Lets face it we all use Halloween to justify evil behaviour. There's no point dismissing the fact. Why not instead embrace this ritualistic, satanic holiday? I remember my first mugging. I was walking dressed as a burglar and a little old lady saw me. I was just joking I said, "Roger satan" at the top of my lungs. She started crying. I wasn't even gonna do anything. But she had a nice cell pho...
It all started with an episode of Top Gear. James May's exact words were: "Hang on who invented Monocles?" There was a sort of empty silence after that. 'The question came out of no where. It was completely off subject. It throw us all of gu...
"The streets of Mexico are laced with the stench of corruption." One Homeless Mexican told reporters. "It's really hard being a real homeless Mexican. Because these guys are fakes! Busking for real money with their guitars, cleaning peoples ca...
'David Letterman's off the cuff remarks might have damaged his career.' Say journalists. During an interview on the Late Show between David Letterman and Ashton Kutcher. David Letterman's absence of humour was instantly apparent when Ashton Kut...
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