Nanny Pelosi and Upchuck Schumer, speaking on behalf of the “Democratic” Party, announced two "artichokes of impeachment" against President Donald Trump. “Today, in service of our party,” Pelosi said, “we are charging the president with having hig...
A half-dozen Taylor Knott-Swift fans slept on the street awaiting their chance to see their idol. They hadn't eaten in days and needed a bath. Since Taylor was “singing” in New York City, rather than in San Francisco, Los Angeles, or San Diego, her d...
As police across the fruited plain are being squirted with water pistols and “deloused” with buckets of water, many members of the so-called “thin blue line” have become paranoid. A Marion County, Indiana, officer, Dee Jay, who asked to remain ano...
The news media like to keep us in crises. There is a crisis for everyone, it seems. Here are a few of the crises in which you, right now, may well be involved (even if you didn't know it): Water crisis Fentanyl crisis Heroin crisis Suez crisis...
Downtown Burbank, CA—Kenny's Parking Lots, the owner of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) Magazine (formerly Mad Hatter Magazine, which was published by the Red Hats Society of Displaced Social Matrons) is officially out of business. Well, almo...
Shangri-La, Tibet—Asked what he would expect in a successor if the next dalai lama were female, the current Dalai Lama said, “She would have to be attractive to me, because, for me, in a woman, beauty is more important than brains.” He then giggl...
Outback, New Zealand -- Jacinda Ardamn, Prime Minister of New Zealand (wherever that is), admitted she's “confused” about the world. Any ideas or policies that do not accord with her own nation's backward notions are “beyond my understanding,” she...
LUNDUN, Merry Old England -- District Judge Katie Bar'Dor declared soccer has-been Dave Beck-Hamm a “menace to the road” and prohibited him from driving for six months after the athlete was spied talking on a mobile phone while driving his Bentley.
Zany Slummer, a comedienne and wannabe actress, who identifies as a bird, took to Twit yesterday to tweet her call for a boycott of Windy's. She sought to initiate the boycott because she is expecting to deliver a boy named Cott and because she thoug...
A panel of three federal judges weighed in on a, uh, weighty matter, when they ruled, unanimously, that a map of Ohio is “unconstitutional.” Writing for the majority, B. Czaro, who asked to remain anonymous, wrote, “We are convinced that this diag...
Hollyweird, Californicate – For five or six months now, the world has waited, with bated breath, to learn just how Jordy Pee will handle the reboot of Rod Sterling's iconic television series The Dusky Region. Well, we need wait and wonder no longe...
Actor Tom Banks, whose net worth is estimated at $350 million, give or take a million, played Santa Claus at an N-n-Out Boogers in Fontana, Californicate, treating his fans to a free lunch. “Order anything you want,” he told his devotees. “Money i...
La La Land—Prosecutors in La La Land (aka Los Angeles) announced that martial arts expert and occasional “actor” Steven Seagull will not be prosecuted for a 2002 sexual assault he (allegedly) committed against a former model. According to the mode...
It seems safe (at first) to assume that entomologist Boob Anders is not a Jose Bautista fan. The scientist, who works for the Canadian Museum Au Naturel, gave the former Toronto Blue Jays star a dubious honor, the “distinction” of naming a bug after...
D-list has-been “comedienne” Michelle Wolfe, who was born, some say, in Hershey Highway, Pennsylvania, in a back alley between a brothel and a homeless campsite, is incensed (or “pissed,” as she says) that the White House Correspondents Association (...
Has-been transgender "celebrity" Bill Mayor recently tried to change careers, trading in (some would say trading on) his dubious career as a “comedienne” by becoming a literary critic. After disparaging television comedy as “fit only for kids and...
Richard Puttup-Yur Dukes, allegedly an All-Tuna, Pennsylvania, man was allegedly arrested for alleged cruelty to animals after he allegedly punched a police officer in the face. The officer was allegedly responding to a call concerning Dukes's all...
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