Sick of that old sixties vinyl collection cluttering up the hallway? Exasperated by the pile of Superman comics in the downstairs loo? Let's face it, here's a great opportunity for throwing out your partner's junk. Exercise a little deceit - excuse me, I mean tact - when you're loading the car. "Hang on a sec, I've forgotten something..." you could say, as you dash back inside with a bin-liner.
Face it: Summer's gone. It's October. Let's talk Christmas. Over the next few weeks, I'll be helping you through the exciting - yet stressful - stages of planning your Perfect Festive Season. This week, I have some top tips for you regarding essential purchases to ensure that your home stands out from the crowd. ~ White icicle lights draped around house frontage are frankly too vulgar.
Here's an oxymoron for you: Useful Celebrity. There are gradations of uselessness in the celebrity world of course. It is, as you know, a scientifically proven fact that most celebs are Useless. Some are Totally Useless. There is an unfortunate group who come under the heading Even More Useless Than An Inflatable Dartboard. Let's turn to this last group. I've given a small amount of my...
In an unprecedented legal quandary this week, an entire jury was deemed unfit for service and thrown out by the judge. Journalists discarded all courteous behaviour as they shoved, elbowed and kicked their way to the Court entrance in a bid to interv...
As detectives continue to pursue Willie Bodgem through the Bolivian outback, Scotland Yard is preparing to send back-up officers to La Paz today. Police throughout the country are struggling to deal with the amount of information being brought forwar...
Is it just me, or has the Channel Four 'Come Dine With Me' show gone down the pan? Some years ago, I admit, I watched the occasional episode. Entertaining moments arose from time to time. An appealing new recipe to try, perhaps. Someone who had something remotely interesting to say. The sarcastic commentary, of course, was always the essence of the show's success. But things have chang...
Following allegations of catastrophic surgical procedures, detectives at Scotland Yard are anxious to locate Dublin neurosurgeon Willie Bodgem. Managers at Beaumont Hospital have distanced themselves from the consultant, telling police that "Mr B...
Following the dubious award of Top Crap Town UK for the fifth year running, the residents of Baconsthorpe seem to have embraced the notoriety of their depressing abode. Mayor Jimmy (The Knife) Roberto has taken out a full page advertisement this...
World experts in the field of natural sciences have today been dumbfounded by the sensational news that the sea slug has a detachable penis. This unassuming little critter swims about aimlessly until an attractive female enters the picture. The ma...
'Trekkies' the world over can barely contain their excitement following a sensational find at a major Hollywood studio this week. Kirk's famous 'Captain's Log', it seems, was a real document. The studio has already released excerpts from the journal...
1)Stop exercising it's making you ill. It gets in the way of drinking time, trash T.V. and arguing with your family. The lycra makes you look ridiculous. Elasticated waistbands aren't that bad. 2) Ditch the diet. For good. Your adult weight has gone from 120 to 160 pounds over the course of a year. Up and down like an out-of-control elevator. Accept that you're a fat bastard and get on with it.
It struck me as bizarre that Gillian McKeith, former T.V. weight loss guru, wanted to meet at McDonald's. Spotting her at the counter ordering a double cheeseburger with fries, however, everything became clear. Dr McKeith had turned into a bit of a porker. Realising I was about to get the celebrity interview of the year, I decided to pace myself. The woman was already disastrously close to...
A statement issued today by a Palace spokesman has added nothing but confusion to the story of the Queen vs. Dame Judi, or 'Lizziegate' as it is now known. The spokesman denied emphatically that the Queen had anything to do with the reported inci...
With so much negative press about him, I was a little apprehensive about facing Michael O'Leary. He'd agreed to meet me for brunch at a stylish bistro in Grafton Street. Despite a hazy mental image of his face, I recognised him the instant he came through the door. The swagger, the expensive suit, the manic eyes: they all announced The Man. He ordered us both a full Irish breakfast and a select...
Highly sensitive information has emerged this week about an alleged 'altercation' between Dame Judi Dench and the Queen.'Serious concerns' about the Monarch's behaviour have been expressed by Prime Minister Dave (JammieDodger) Cameroon. Circumstances...
The removal of Ozzy Osborne's entire brain in recent ground-breaking 'Alzheimer Avoidance' surgery has been hailed as a stroke of genius. Neurosurgeons worldwide have called the audacious surgery - designed and implemented by Mr Adam Spoofery of Sa...
Universally known as a bit of a tit, I resolved to bring an open mind to my meeting with Louis Walsh. Only six weeks after his well-publicised brain implant, he agreed to meet for lunch at his favourite greasy spoon in one of Dublin's murkiest back streets. ('I like to keep it real,' he told me inscrutably.) Louis flounced in, 40 minutes late, wearing a rather fetching two-tone green tank top...
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