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Spoof stories written by Matt Birkenhauer

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Funny story: Where the Wild Things Were (or, Ted Cruz’s Attempted Coup)

Where the Wild Things Were (or, Ted Cruz’s Attempted Coup)

(With apologies to Maurice Sendak) The year Ted went to Congress and made mischief of one kind and another, Ben Sasse called him "CHILD THING!" and Ted said "I’LL OVERTURN A DEMOCRATIC AND FAIR ELECTION!” So he stomped off to the Senate chamber to…

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Funny story: Spreader Man

Spreader Man

(To be sung to the tune of Spider Man) Spreader Man, Spreader Man, Deadly neighborhood Spreader Man. Spreads his lies, any size, Treats his supporters just like flies. Look out! There goes the Spreader Man. Is he cured? Listen bud, His d…

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Funny story: Satan to Open a New Circle in Hell for Evangelicals

Satan to Open a New Circle in Hell for Evangelicals

SHEOL—Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the new Press Secretary for Satan, announced today that the Dark Lord is opening a new circle in Hell, specifically for the overflow of Evangelicals who have been flooding His underworld domain ever since the 2016 electi…

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Funny story: Melania Trump Sings for Her Husband from the Rose Garden

Melania Trump Sings for Her Husband from the Rose Garden

We beg your pardon, we never promised you a rose garden. Along with the sunshine, there's got to be a lot of death sometimes. When a pandemic strikes you got to die and let go! “It is what it is,” ‘cause Donald never promised you a rose garden.

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Funny story: Pandemic Rhapsody (with apologies to Queen)

Pandemic Rhapsody (with apologies to Queen)

Is this the real life? Is this a bad nightmare? Caught in a clusterfuck, no escape from reality Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see He’s just a con man, he needs no sympathy Because he’s easy come, easy go, little nuts, always slow Any...

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Funny story: Hydroxychloroqen: A Memory Supplement?

Hydroxychloroqen: A Memory Supplement?

Commercial for Hydroxychloroqen, with President Trump standing in a Right Maid drugstore, at a counter, without a mask. Do you have concerns about mild memory loss related to aging or illness? Hydroxychloroqen is the number 1 pharmacist-recomme...

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Funny story: Bunker Man - In tribute to the cowardly POTUS

Bunker Man - In tribute to the cowardly POTUS

(To be sung to the tune of Spider Man) Bunker Man, Bunker Man, Does whatever a coward can. Spins his lies, any size, Treats his enemies just like flies Look out! There goes the Bunker Man. Is he strong? Listen bud, He's got hydroxychloro...

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Funny story: Donald Trump Diagnosed with ADTD, or Attention Deficit Tweet Disorder

Donald Trump Diagnosed with ADTD, or Attention Deficit Tweet Disorder

Washington, DC—President Donald Trump was admitted to Walter Reed Hospital on Wednesday, and has been diagnosed with ADTD, or Attention Deficit Tweet Disorder, the symptoms of which include an orange, puffy face, a predilection to sit on the toilet a...

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Funny story: Senator Subliminal Seeks the Truth

Senator Subliminal Seeks the Truth

(The following is an alternative history of the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings in 1991.) Senator Hatchett: Prof. Hill, let me preface my questioning by telling you how much I—and my colleagues—admire you for your courage and forthwrongness...

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Funny story: To End World Hunger, Vatican Scientists Replicate Transubstantiation

To End World Hunger, Vatican Scientists Replicate Transubstantiation

The Vatican—Saying “God has now miraculously revealed how to turn seven loaves and a few small fish into a worldwide smorgasbord,” a Vatican spokesperson announced today that their scientists have figured out the physics behind the process of transub...

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Funny story: Santa Putin

Santa Putin

Sung by Donald Trump, in his negligee. Santa Putin, just slip some oppo on Joe Biden, For me. Been a really useful tool, Santa Putin, So hurry down my chimney tonight. Santa Putin, the 2020 election too, For my coup. I'll wait up for you d...

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Funny story: Bernie Sanders Revivified After Sacrificing a Libertarian at an Alter to Karl Marx

Bernie Sanders Revivified After Sacrificing a Libertarian at an Alter to Karl Marx

Pundits noticed that Bernie Sanders look positively revivified at the last Democratic debate, bouncing on the stage and gesticulating like a sixty-year-old angrily chasing some kids off his lawn. And what explains Sanders’ sudden burst of energy,...

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Funny story: Vatican Scientists Clone Jesus from Communion Wafer

Vatican Scientists Clone Jesus from Communion Wafer

The Vatican—Pope Francis today unveiled a ten-year-old Jesus whom, he explained, was cloned from a consecrated communion wafer blessed by Mother Theresa. The Vatican, to avoid too much publicity for the ten-year-old god, had kept the cloning under w...

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Funny story: The Republicans’ Secret 2020 Weapon: The Moralyzer

The Republicans’ Secret 2020 Weapon: The Moralyzer

Much like the neuralyzer from Men in Black, Republicans have apparently come up with a device, called the Moralyzer, that allows Trump supporters to vote for a man completely devoid of character and morality, and forget that they once considered both...

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Funny story: Jesus Detained by ICE for Conspiracy to Feed and Shelter Migrants

Jesus Detained by ICE for Conspiracy to Feed and Shelter Migrants

BuzzFeed—Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was detained by ICE today at the US-Mexico border for allegedly helping a migrant and her infant when He was caught by border patrol agents offering them water and sustenance. Jesus, said a spokesman for ICE, w...

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Funny story: Mary Had an Abortion Before Jesus, Biblical Archeologists Claim

Mary Had an Abortion Before Jesus, Biblical Archeologists Claim

Wheaton, IL—Biblical archeologists from Wheaton College have discovered, among a pile of scrolls in a ruin in Nazareth, a letter from the Virgin Mary to her cousin Elizabeth explaining why she had to abort her first child. In the scroll, the Virgin...

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Funny story: Pope Francis to Allow Masturbation, But Only Among Priests and Only with Biblically-themed Porn

Pope Francis to Allow Masturbation, But Only Among Priests and Only with Biblically-themed Porn

THE VATICAN—Pope Francis, in his new encyclical Masturbationes Licit, has now opened the practice of masturbation to some, but not all, Catholics. Said Pope Francis, “Given that our esteemed clergy appear to have—how do you say?—too much unrequited...

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