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Spoof stories written by Matt Birkenhauer

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Funny story: Supreme Court bans Cialis in a 7-2 decision

Supreme Court bans Cialis in a 7-2 decision

The Supreme Court, in a 7-2 decision, has banned the drug Cialis which, as one of the justices in the majority wrote, “Basically makes horny old men into incessant boneheads.” “Women,” noted Supreme Court Justice Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (one of…

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Funny story: Kentucky legislature passes a law to set birth dates at conception

Kentucky legislature passes a law to set birth dates at conception

The Kentucky Legislature, with a supermajority of Republicans, is proposing a law that every citizen’s birth date, from (the Bill in part reads) “the year of our Lord 2024, shall be set at the moment of conception.” Opponents to the Republican B…

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Funny story: FOX to Offer Hot New Reality Show: Most Eligible Neo-Fascist

FOX to Offer Hot New Reality Show: Most Eligible Neo-Fascist

Adjacent Press--In a mega-move sure to attract supporters of the Once and Future Dictator, FOX will offer for fall 2023 their newest reality show, The Most Eligible Neo-Fascist. The show will feature several rising Neo-Fascists in the Republican Par…

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Funny story: If Evangelicals were truly honest . . .

If Evangelicals were truly honest . . .

Corinthians 13:4-8 (from the DJTV) 4 Trump is not patient, Trump is not kind. He envies everyone, he boasts like a drunken soldier, he is proud. 5 He dishonors others, he is self-seeking, he is easily angered, he keeps a long record of wrongs. 6 T…

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Funny story: It’s My Party and I’ll Deny If I Want To

It’s My Party and I’ll Deny If I Want To

It’s My Party and I’ll Deny If I Want To (with apologies to the lovely Lesley Gore) It's my Party, and I'll deny if I want to Deny if I want to Deny if I want to You would deny too, if it happened to you. Everyone knows Donald Trump was…

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Funny story: An Increasingly Decrepit God To Be Fitted with an Omniscient Aid

An Increasingly Decrepit God To Be Fitted with an Omniscient Aid

“Wha—Where are my glasses? A tsunami in Tonga? Where the fuck’s ‘Tonga’? Russian forces massing on Ukraine’s border? What the hell?” These are only some of the many questions the caretakers of an increasingly senescent Supreme Being have overhea…

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Funny story: Nazi Man (to be sung to the melody of "Spider Man")

Nazi Man (to be sung to the melody of "Spider Man")

Nazi Man, Nazi Man, Does whatever a Nazi can. Spins his lies, any size, Attracts more Nazis, just like flies. Look Out! Here comes the Nazi Man. Is he wrong? Listen bud, He's got White Supremacist blood. Can he swing from a thread? Take…

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Funny story: Donald the Con Man

Donald the Con Man

(To be sung to the melody of "Frosty the Snowman") Donald the Con Man was a pissy mean old fool With a fake orange face and a bulbous nose And two eyes without a soul. Donald the Con Man is a sordid tale, they say. He was made of dough but the…

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Funny story: Song - One Tin Astronaut

Song - One Tin Astronaut

(To be sung to the melody of “One Tin Soldier”) Listen children to a story That was told not long ago ‘Bout a rich guy on a mountain And his workers far below. On the mountain was a treasure Where the white guy paid no tax ‘Cause our tax law…

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Funny story: The Universe Apologizes for 689 Million Who Still Live in Poverty Worldwide

The Universe Apologizes for 689 Million Who Still Live in Poverty Worldwide

Associated Press--Details leaked out today that at a support group for anger management for deities, one of its attendees, the Universe, was heard to admit while tearing up that he was “so sorry” for the 689 million people worldwide who still live in…

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Funny story: Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy Promotes Marjorie Taylor Greene to Newly Formed Committee

Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy Promotes Marjorie Taylor Greene to Newly Formed Committee

Washington, D. C.--Minority leader Kevin McCarthy today announced that Marjorie Taylor Greene, in light of her recent statement comparing mask wearing mandates nationwide to Jews being persecuted in Nazi Germany, would be reassigned from her committe…

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Funny story: Where the Wild Things Were (or, Ted Cruz’s Attempted Coup)

Where the Wild Things Were (or, Ted Cruz’s Attempted Coup)

(With apologies to Maurice Sendak) The year Ted went to Congress and made mischief of one kind and another, Ben Sasse called him "CHILD THING!" and Ted said "I’LL OVERTURN A DEMOCRATIC AND FAIR ELECTION!” So he stomped off to the Senate chamber to…

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Funny story: Spreader Man

Spreader Man

(To be sung to the tune of Spider Man) Spreader Man, Spreader Man, Deadly neighborhood Spreader Man. Spreads his lies, any size, Treats his supporters just like flies. Look out! There goes the Spreader Man. Is he cured? Listen bud, His d…

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Funny story: Satan to Open a New Circle in Hell for Evangelicals

Satan to Open a New Circle in Hell for Evangelicals

SHEOL—Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the new Press Secretary for Satan, announced today that the Dark Lord is opening a new circle in Hell, specifically for the overflow of Evangelicals who have been flooding His underworld domain ever since the 2016 electi…

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Funny story: Melania Trump Sings for Her Husband from the Rose Garden

Melania Trump Sings for Her Husband from the Rose Garden

We beg your pardon, we never promised you a rose garden. Along with the sunshine, there's got to be a lot of death sometimes. When a pandemic strikes you got to die and let go! “It is what it is,” ‘cause Donald never promised you a rose garden.

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Funny story: Hydroxychloroqen: A Memory Supplement?

Hydroxychloroqen: A Memory Supplement?

Commercial for Hydroxychloroqen, with President Trump standing in a Right Maid drugstore, at a counter, without a mask. Do you have concerns about mild memory loss related to aging or illness? Hydroxychloroqen is the number 1 pharmacist-recomme...

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Funny story: Donald Trump Diagnosed with ADTD, or Attention Deficit Tweet Disorder

Donald Trump Diagnosed with ADTD, or Attention Deficit Tweet Disorder

Washington, DC—President Donald Trump was admitted to Walter Reed Hospital on Wednesday, and has been diagnosed with ADTD, or Attention Deficit Tweet Disorder, the symptoms of which include an orange, puffy face, a predilection to sit on the toilet a...

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