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First Amendment Rewrite

Funny story: First Amendment Rewrite

Now that a thoroughly balanced and non-partisan Supreme Court has upheld Donald Trump’s Muslim Ban, I think it’s time that we amended the First Amendment to the Constitution. Hell, let’s just amend both parts of it, while we’re at it. “Congress s...

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Serial Micro-aggressor Gets Life Sentence

Funny story: Serial Micro-aggressor Gets Life Sentence

Dayton, OH—To his neighbors, Harvey Lasher seemed like the perfect neighbor: genial, helpful when he could be, a man who never let more than a week go by before cutting his grass and trimming his hedgerow. But while those living next door to Harv...

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President Bonespur Says, of John McCain, “I prefer cancer patients who don’t die.”

Funny story: President Bonespur Says, of John McCain, “I prefer cancer patients who don’t die.”

RATHOLE, D. C.—Echoing remarks he made about John McCain during his 2016 campaign, President Bonespur today joined in, after Kelly Sadler’s quip about John McCain “dying anyway,” with his own clever turn: “I prefer cancer patients who don’t die.”...

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The Metaphysical Misappropriation of Love

Funny story: The Metaphysical Misappropriation of Love

“God is love,” I heard more than once on a fairly intelligent discussion of religion in people’s lives on NPR. The claim, echoed by several guests on the show, was made by one speaker, in particular, to distinguish the God of the New Testament f...

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Cambridge Analytica Behind Satan’s Election to CEO of Heaven

Funny story: Cambridge Analytica Behind Satan’s Election to CEO of Heaven

HEAVEN—Cambridge Analytica has some big wins under its belt—Brexit, the election of Uhuru Kenyatta in Kenya, and Donald Trump in the Confederate States of America, but the company pulled off one of its biggest sells just last week, when it rigged an...

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Robert Mueller's Hollywood Access Moment

Funny story: Robert Mueller's Hollywood Access Moment

Robert Mueller, overheard talking to Billy Bush while exiting a Hollywood Access bus: “I’m moving on him, and I’m succeeding. I will try to fuck him. He’s married, you know—three times. But I’m moving on him very heavily. In fact, I took hi...

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Donald Trump Accidentally Buys a Thesaurus

CNN—President Trump, stopping off a Washington, D. C. Barnes and Noble for a pastry, saw a book in the bargain bin called a thesaurus and thought he’d buy it for Barron, who likes dinosaurs, especially sauropods. On driving back to the White Hous...

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John Bolton’s Hawkish Moustache Declares War on the Rest of His Face

Funny story: John Bolton’s Hawkish Moustache Declares War on the Rest of His Face

Washington, D. C.—On being appointed National Security Advisor to President Trump, the moustache’s first action was to declare war on the rest of his face. The moustache’s enemy to the south, his mouth, is apparently on military alert against the inv...

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Donald Trump Comes Out as a Cisgender Anti-inclusive Racist-fluid Bi-phobic Trans-Republican

Funny story: Donald Trump Comes Out as a Cisgender Anti-inclusive Racist-fluid Bi-phobic Trans-Republican

Washington, D.C.--President Trump announced this week, at a press conference, "My proper pronouns are 'I, I,' and 'I' and 'me, me,' and me,'" and then came out, to the waiting press corps and the world, as a "Cisgender Anti-inclusive Racist-fluid Bi-...

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Donald Trump Loses It at Stable Genius Award Ceremony

Funny story: Donald Trump Loses It at Stable Genius Award Ceremony

Palm Beach, FL--At his Mar-a-Lago Resort Donald Trump was awarded the Stable Genius Award, by its former recipient, Sarah Palin, at a ceremony attended by hundreds of Trump supporters who were there, purportedly, to Make America Smart Again. On re...

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Alabama Says It Will Secede from the Union Unless Roy Moore Is Seated in the Senate

Funny story: Alabama Says It Will Secede from the Union Unless Roy Moore Is Seated in the Senate

Montgomery, AL--Gov. Kay Ivey announced, after Judge Roy Moore's loss to Democrat Doug Jones, that unless Moore is seated in the Senate, despite his electoral loss to Jones, Alabama will secede from the Union, and expects other southern states to fol...

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Congress Considers a Ban on the Trophy Hunting of Sexual Predators

Funny story: Congress Considers a Ban on the Trophy Hunting of Sexual Predators

WASHINGTON, DC--Two representatives today co-sponsored a new Bill in Congress that would ban, in the United States, the trophy hunting of sexual predators. The bipartisan co-sponsors, Rep. John Conyers from Michigan and Rep. Blake Farenthold from Te...

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Alabamians Vote in Alleged Serial Killer Judge Roger Ray Morris as Their New Senator

Funny story: Alabamians Vote in Alleged Serial Killer Judge Roger Ray Morris as Their New Senator

AL--Alleged serial killer Judge Roger Ray Morris, who maintains the nine bodies buried in his basement were already there when he moved in, won an election on Tuesday against Democrat Doug Jones. Morris, who is out on bail pending an investigation...

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Gun Nut Layme DeRierre Says the Real Victim in the Las Vegas Mass Shooting Was the Much-maligned AR-15 Assault Rifle

Fairfax, VA--Layme DeRierre, CEO and Executive Vice President of the Gun Nut's Lobby, today said that the true victim of the mass shooting in Las Vegas was the AR-15 assault rifle used to kill over fifty people, in what is now the largest mass shooti...

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After Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, Maria, and the Earthquake in Mexico, God to Attend Anger Management Classes

Funny story: After Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, Maria, and the Earthquake in Mexico, God to Attend Anger Management Classes

HEAVEN--CNN reported today that God, after an intervention by Mary, Jesus, the Twelve Apostles, and Mother Theresa, will be attending anger management classes after his recent temper tantrums have devastated parts of the United States, the Caribbean,...

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Mary Magdalene Tell-all: "Jesus Was a Lousy Lay, But a Pretty Good Talker."

Funny story: Mary Magdalene Tell-all: "Jesus Was a Lousy Lay, But a Pretty Good Talker."

HEAVEN--Random Event Publishing, Inc., the main publishing house for Heaven, released last week, amid much controversy, the long-awaited tell-all by Jesus's follower and consort Mary Magdalene. In the tell-all Mary talks, to some extent, about her...

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"I Stand By My President"

Funny story: "I Stand By My President"

Hypothetical: President Trump calls for the processing and imprisoning of 3 million illegal immigrants in internment camps in the United States. How will his fellow Republicans respond? Paul Ryan: "I idea of imprisoning 3 million immigrants--le...

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Sinkhole Swallows the White House

Funny story: Sinkhole Swallows the White House

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Residents are being evacuated from the White House due to a massive sinkhole that's already swallowed much of the Trump Administration. CNN reports that a depression the size of the Trump estate at Mar-a-Lago formed at around 8:...

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Man In a Really Dark Place Finally Figures Out How to Use the Flashlight on His Cellphone.
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