President Obama today declared war on every country in the world, and upon his own citizens as well. In so doing, he merely acknowledged what many savvy observers have known or suspected for decades. American troops, private contractors, Homel...
Sources characterized as "intimates" of Russian President Vladimir Putin say that he will disclose his homosexuality in a "personal but not overly emotional fashion" during closing ceremonies for the Sochi Winter Olympic Games on Sunday. Russ...
Has it ever occurred to you that dementia might be one of the most colorful and liberating phases of your life? Of course it hasn't -- because you aren't Elderly Girl! Who else would come up with such an outlandish proposition? Certainly not the pharmaceutical companies. Despite hundreds of billions in taxpayer dollars, their research has failed spectacularly to provide any real hope. Th...
(This article also includes a colorful look at how other cultures and other eras have avoided tree slaughter and still maintained excellent hygiene.) Over the past several years, our noble capitalist system has been downsizing everything in the grocery store while upsizing the prices. This they generally do in a deliberately deceptive way, keeping the packaging size the same, but cutting ba...
Jeffrey Bezos is giggling his head off, laughing all the way to the headlines. First the Amazon CO got sensational global coverage of his absurd yet adorable (yet rather creepy) plan to have millions of packages delivered "right to your porch" by dro...
E-cigs are fun and flirty, hip and tasty! Now you can buy a special e-cig for every outfit and mood, in yummy lollipop flavors! They represent a new craze, which might achieve the status of a staple, like sunglasses, jeans and tattoos. This joyous consumer scramble could easily lead to another era, in which e-smoking -- known as "vaping" -- could become as ubiquitous as smoking tobacco was...
This article was written from a remote, luxury outpost in the mind-blowing principality of Percocet, with accommodations provided by the emir. He accepts no liability for its tone or substance. Does your doctor do bedroom surgery? Maybe you should just ask for it. When I told the secretary on the phone that I wished the orthopedist could come to my house and do my knee operation whi...
So picture this: You just arrived in Denver last night, and here you are at, like, seven o'clock the next morning, sprawled back in your cargo pants and espadrilles, smoking some very cool brown cigarettes, drinking tequila out of the bottle, and listening to some upbeat tunes on the radio. So far, so good, right? What's funny about it is that you're hunkered down in this great big walk-in...
"Don't cry, Mama, it will grow back in no time," Elderly Girl says, holding her ever-tinier old mother in her arms. God, that woman's tears can rip you to shreds. Elderly Girl does not enjoy having to be maternal. It gets in the way of her lust for drama. As most of you are are aware, Elderly Girl had perhaps the most beautiful and celebrated hair on Earth. Even so, the urge to liberate hers...
Do you know what's really special if you are unemployed, homeless, hungry, despondent, uneducated, bankrupt, and chronically ill? It's having a cold, frosty beer, you fool! And President Obama, having utterly failed at every other "solution" to our rapidly imploding country, is busy in his own little White House brewery, concocting an elixir that will make us feel happy and carefree,...
Do you know what's really special if you are unemployed, homeless, hungry, despondent, uneducated, bankrupt, and chronically ill? It's having a cold, frosty beer, you fool! And President Obama, having utterly failed at every other "solu...
As Elderly Girl has informed you dear women before, she insists on having her "time of the month," even though she has been post-menopausal for eons.To be honest, it is pretty much always her time of the month, and, to quote the great soul songstress Ella Fitzgerald, "It Ain't Nobody's Business But My Own." She believes it is her biological prerogative to burst into tears, punch holes in wa...
Elderly Girl adores elderly people. They exude a sweetness and softness that is quite special. They have a vulnerability that is touching. They have patience, bravery and wisdom. Elderly Girl is glad they exist. She just doesn't want to be one of them. Instead, she has become a kick-ass person, a hell-raiser, an enigma, a renegade. Much to her surprise, she has turned back the...
Thank god, bladder incontinence has become trendy. It's about time! Elderly Girl inspired billions of people to regard elderliness as alluring, sassy and brilliant. Now, hundreds of profit-mad companies have succumbed to her voluptuous wisdom by creating products that have turned 80-year-olds into the new hip-hop generation. She has urged the Obama Administration to award the Medal o...
It appears that Mitt and Barack are in a statistical "dead heat" (who dreamed up that vulgar term -- some necrophiliac?) (although "neck and neck" isn't any better -- way too intimate -- practically gay!) (and "horse race" really should be "whore's race." They're both turning tricks for money. It's a disgrace.) Ann Romney, who seems scarier and more Stepford wifey than she used to, recently...
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