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Spoof stories written by Patti Cake

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Funny story: Jah-Who???????

Jah-Who???????

The ink has barely dried on James Arthur's contract and the nation is wondering how it is going to fill its Saturday nights until next September now that the X-Factor has finished (are we?). However, a much bigger question than that is troubling the nation's collective conscience (is it?) - or all those who didn't vote for him of course. What will happen to vertically challenged runner-up Jahmen...

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Funny story: Downturn at Downton Abbey - Financial crisis can't even escape fictional historical drama

Downturn at Downton Abbey - Financial crisis can't even escape fictional historical drama

Many viewers were shocked last Sunday at the appalling and unforeseen downturn that events took at Downton. Firstly, doctor to the knobs Sir Philip was called in as opposed to the family doctor to attend the delivery of the Granthams' first grandc...

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Funny story: Eggs? Sausages? How Do You Like Yours?

Eggs? Sausages? How Do You Like Yours?

The following was reported in the papers yesterday: "Poached, scrambled, boiled or fried. We all have our preference for how to cook an egg. But the choice reveals more than just our culinary tastes - it also highlights our personalities and reveals secrets about social class and even sex drive. Scientists quizzed 1,010 adults and found that poached egg eaters are outgoing, boiled egg lo...

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Funny story: Woman sees red whilst singing pink on the X-Factor

Woman sees red whilst singing pink on the X-Factor

The X-Factor is back......HURRAH HURRAH Saturday night TV sorted until Christmas......HOORAY HOORAY....hooray.....ray....hoo.....hoo......ray.....ray .....hoo...boo...hoo...boo...hoo....BOO HOO Pink tribute singer Pink said "I look like Pink and sing like Pink and I am here to sing a Pink song". Gary smiled. Tulisa smiled. Nicole smiled. Pre-menstrual Spice girl said "Whatever".

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Funny story: An Elephantine Tale of Woe

An Elephantine Tale of Woe

It was reported recently that Schonbrunn Zoo in Vienna have artificially inseminated a pachyderm with frozen sperm from an African elephant. Sadly, the world seems to have forgotten.....it was 20 years ago today Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play...

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Funny story: Mooning teenager falls through roof of bus stop

Mooning teenager falls through roof of bus stop

17-year old Frank Spencer was mooning and jumping up and down on a bus stop roof last night when it gave way and he fell through. 20 stone compulsive eater Fanny Whale was waiting in the shelter at the time. Frank's friend Jack Ladd who was filmi...

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Funny story: OMG - Simon Cowell's bush is shaped like his head

OMG - Simon Cowell's bush is shaped like his head

Britain was reeling from the shock news this weekend that Simon Cowell's bush is shaped like his head. Topiarist to the stars Louie Spence said: "Yes it's true dahling, Simon asked me to shape his bush to look like his head. I was shocked at firs...

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Funny story: Jesus Christ not another bloody superstar...the story so far

Jesus Christ not another bloody superstar...the story so far

In-fighting and jealousy have marred ITV's new talentless show this week. The hostess - every schoolboy's wet dream - Amanda Holden - is still smarting from being usurped in Simon Cowell's affections by a dog and is showing that she is JUST a pret...

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Funny story: What's Gone Wong At Wonga.com???

What's Gone Wong At Wonga.com???

Insults were flying thick and fast on the set of Wonga.com today as directors Betty, Joyce and Earl were recording their latest advertisement. "Things were getting very heated between Betty and Joyce" said an insider who wished to remain anonymous...

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Funny story: Horley Horror: Man's Face Stayed That Way When The Wind Changed

Horley Horror: Man's Face Stayed That Way When The Wind Changed

Horley man, Mr Mann left his family and friends shocked and distraught on Wednesday when according to his wife he was in the garden demonstrating to the kids the traditional Maori "haka" when the wind suddenly changed and his face got stuck. Our r...

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Funny story: VD Outbreak In Horley

VD Outbreak In Horley

The little town of Horley (near Dorking but prettier than Dorking) in Surrey has recently experienced an outbreak of VD according to the monthly medical magazine for hypochondriacs - 'You Name It - I've Got It'. Dr. Brian Badcock at Horley Health...

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Funny story: Lady GaGa - Wardrobe Malfunction or Bodily Function Malfunction?

Lady GaGa - Wardrobe Malfunction or Bodily Function Malfunction?

Fans of Lady GaGa who attended the diva's latest concert tour at the Brighton Dome were shocked and/or amused to see a trail of toilet paper apparently coming from her ladyship's knickers as she mounted the stage last night. As the crowd left the...

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Funny story: Poundshop Scam - Arrests Made

Poundshop Scam - Arrests Made

Following newspaper reports that food items that had been nibbled by mice and had been re-packaged and sold on to the public by the poundshop in the tiny village of Mousehole in Cornwall was in shock today over the arrest of two of its most popular r...

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Funny story: Topsy-Turvy Summer Weather - Mind Over Matter says Horley Woman

Topsy-Turvy Summer Weather - Mind Over Matter says Horley Woman

Horley resident Anna Lee Retentive claims that the weather can be influenced by the power of thought. For example Anna claims that not once has she been caught in any of the recent downpours. "Take this week for instance" says Anna who works as c...

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