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Spoof stories written by Francois Dubois, S.J.

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Funny story: Westboro Baptist Church to send delegation to Thatcher funeral

Westboro Baptist Church to send delegation to Thatcher funeral

TOPEKA Kanasas (ABSNN) - Pastor Fred Phelps, head of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church, said his congregation will spare no expense to send a delegation to the state funeral of former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. "This time th...

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Funny story: Fragments of Lost SSHite Gospel discovered in Coal Hole cuspidoor

Fragments of Lost SSHite Gospel discovered in Coal Hole cuspidoor

LONDON (ABSNN) - News of the discovery of ancient biblical texts was released today by unknown, and unnamed archeologists digging through a spittoon at a local London public house, the Coal Hole. "Nothing this special was ever found in the spitter before," said the bar swamper. Martin Shuttlecck. "I did find a gold dental bridge that one time tho." "Nothing is really known about the SSHites...

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Funny story: Air New Zealand ad goes 'balls to the wall'

Air New Zealand ad goes 'balls to the wall'

AUKLAND, New Zealand (ABSNN) - Air New Zealand aired a new "ballsy" ad featuring Belarusian Olympian Nadzeya Ostapchuk who won the London Games' shot-put competition, but was forced to surrender her Gold Medal when she failed a drug test. "The ad ca...

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Funny story: Canadian dinosaur's head stolen after grizzly murder in Wyoming

Canadian dinosaur's head stolen after grizzly murder in Wyoming

JACKSON, Wyoming (ABSNN) - Monday night, a visiting Canadian dinosaur, Tyrannosaurus Bataar, was hacked to death, and his head removed, as he walked back to his room at a local inn, "after drinking heavily at Jackson's world famous Million Dollar Cow...

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Funny story: WBC fight card 'Twin Bill' features Twins' womb fight

WBC fight card 'Twin Bill' features Twins' womb fight

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (ABSNN Sports) - The World Boxing Council has the entire sporting world agog at the news that Caesar's Palace will host the very first WBC Championship fight between two unknown, and as yet, unnamed twins in their mother's womb! Th...

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Funny story: Near-sighted dolphin mistakes child for Honey Boo Boo and bites her!

Near-sighted dolphin mistakes child for Honey Boo Boo and bites her!

ORLANDO, Florida (ABSNN) - A dolphin named Sally bit a child who was feeding her in a tank at Orlando's Sea World Sunday. Police immediately arrested the dolphin who told them, "I'm so sorry! I'm so near-sighted, I thought the little girl was Honey...

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Funny story: My life as a man #37

My life as a man #37

Another day, another opportunity to fall on my ass! A gal I've known since grade school called me this afternoon to ask if I'd like to get together for lunch tomorrow, to talk about the old days.... OK, before I begin, if you've not read any of my other stories, you may be unaware that no woman I have ever known EVER calls me to ask me to go to lunch, to talk about old times with her, or any...

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Funny story: Drunk Santa explodes at VFW Hall in Iowa

Drunk Santa explodes at VFW Hall in Iowa

COWPATH, Iowa (ABSNN) - An "apparently" booze filled, 87-year-old WWII veteran playing Santa, exploded Sunday afternoon, killing himself, and injuring 27 men and women who were waiting in line to have their pictures taken in his lap. According to on...

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Funny story: Kim Kardashian wows the crowd in Bahrain! Malt shop burns tho

Kim Kardashian wows the crowd in Bahrain! Malt shop burns tho

MANAMA, Bahrain (ABSNN) - Riot police were forced to fire tear gas canisters at hardline Islamic protesters who were angered at the presence in the city of Kim Kardashian. "God is great; Kim's a slut," the crowd shouted in Arabic. Kardashian, who j...

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Funny story: My life as a man #36

My life as a man #36

Don we now our gay apparel There is a guy with whom I work who just recently "came out of the closet" and admitted that he was gay. Shit, I knew that, or suspected as much, when I met him; but it makes no difference to me any damned way. I suspected he was gay because he was never seen with any woman-anywhere-at any time; and women were forever throwing themselves at him without any effect a...

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Funny story: WV anti-bullying law unfair to Evangelical, straight kids says pastor

WV anti-bullying law unfair to Evangelical, straight kids says pastor

CHARLESTON, West Virginia (ABSNN) - Jeremy Dys of The Family Policy Council told state legislators Friday that West Virginia's anti-bullying policy in its 55 county school districts "is unfair to evangelical students." "We have been forced by an u...

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Funny story: Massive sinkhole proves Ohio sucks!

Massive sinkhole proves Ohio sucks!

DOVER, Ohio (ABSNN) - Fox's Karl Rove was absolutely right: "Ohio sucks!" Today Ohio proved it sucks when a four-football-field-wide sinkhole swallowed up a large section of Ohio State Road 513 just west of Dover. "Holy crap! I was just watch...

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Funny story: My life as a man #35

My life as a man #35

Why what matters no longer matters! I don't know about you readers, but for me at least, there is far too much written in the print media, and way the hell too much on TV, about "celebrity news." Celebrity News is an oxymoronic concept in every way! There is nothing at all new about the shit celebrities get their wonky asses involved in--not a goddamned thing. Sure we all like a good, bloo...

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Funny story: Bears WR tells Scottish reporter about Viagra use in the NFL

Bears WR tells Scottish reporter about Viagra use in the NFL

CHICAGO, Illinois (ABSNN) - "They test NFL players for performance enhancement drugs (PED's), but what they're looking for is steroids, not male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. They can stop us from bulking up, but not from getting laid," said Chi...

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Funny story: Unstoppable computer virus "Clivey Dee" will strike Xmas Eve!

Unstoppable computer virus "Clivey Dee" will strike Xmas Eve!

WASHINGTON, D.C. (ABSNN) - Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta called the first ever "Emergency Press Conference" to inform reporters and the American Public that "A horrendous, unstoppable computer retro-virus will strike every English speaking comput...

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Funny story: Texas vet says DNA proves Bigfoot is part human, 'At least his penis is'

Texas vet says DNA proves Bigfoot is part human, 'At least his penis is'

DALLAS, Texas (ABSNN) - Texas, long the foe of evolution, is back in the news today thanks to a report from a Texas veterinarian who told reporters that DNA samples prove that the legendary "Bigfoot is part human-well, at least Bigfoot's penis is hum...

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Funny story: My Life as a Man #34

My Life as a Man #34

When having an 8 1/2" pecker is a bad thing! It is 3:37 in the morning and I cannot get to sleep. I'm going to the Veterans Hospital this morning to have a cystoscopy done to find out where, exactly, the "abnormal" cells are coming from that they found in my urine. I had bladder cancer way back in 1991 and went through surgery to remove the tumors, then came radiation and chemotherapy. I was...

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