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Redknapp in Tevez fear

Fears have arisen today about what would happen if Harry Redknapp, self confessed "ungreediest man in Britain" should encounter his arch nemesis and the most lazy and greediest bastard alive , Carlos Tevez, in the confines of a football stadium.

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Bonham-Carter takes the plunge

Helena Bonham-Carter, oddball actress and part-time scarecrow has finally taken the plunge... straight into her avocado corner suite. After years of "Will she? Won't she?" Helena has dusted off her taps and taken her first bath in years!...

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Madonna buys Malawi

Madonna has reportedly bought Malawi and is in meetings at present to discuss the best way available to dismantle the country and ship it across the Atlantic. Then the complicated task of rebuilding the new Malawi will begin, including a new name. "...

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Stars in poaching risk

Many celebrities are being stalked, not by the typical autograph hunter but by an international group of highly trained poachers. Their sole aim is to kill when a chance arises and to harvest their lucrative treasures. Human ivory, is found in...

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Prince Charles solves food shortage

A man who left school with no qualifications of worth and has hardly ever worked in his life, told Phillip Schofield on yesterday's "This Morning" show that he has a solution to cannibal food shortages. Prince Charles felt he had to go on the s...

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Ronnie Wood is walking corpse

Rumours suggesting that ageing rocker Ronnie Wood 98, won't be ageing anymore. An undercover video recording has appeared on the internet, filmed by a reporter having an "off the record" conversation with a former employee of Wood's. Anthon...

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Bermondsey cats and dogs home bought by Korean partners

World renowned Bermondsey cats and dogs home has been rescued at the last minute from certain bankruptcy, after huge debts would have closed the centre within weeks and that would have meant certain death for all the animal residents. Luckily,...

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The three losers of the week

Freddie's now no longer Sir, I'm misunderstood he cries, Poor old Freddie got the blame, For all those banker's lies, Now simply Freddie Goodwin, Ha, now no Sir in front, Was he was told by letter? Try shredding that you cunt. Chris Huhne is one useless twat, He got caught when speeding, Now then Chris here's a little tip, You know where this is leading, With a little common sense...

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Redknapp in shock transfer to play Bagpuss in new TV drama series

Alleged tax fiddler and self-confessed ungreediest man in Britain is leaving Tottenham in the next few weeks to take up a role in a new TV drama. He has been pencilled in by top bosses to play Bagpuss, the saggy old cloth cat in an upcoming...

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Denise Welch reveals her ambitions

Funny story: Denise Welch reveals her ambitions

Recent Big Brother winner, Denice Welch, 53, has stated her intent to sleep with everybody in Britain before she reaches her 60th birthday. Already a quarter of the way through, she says she intends to complete her quest and then divorce her long su...

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The Who's lost lyrics from Substitute found inside Happy Meal

Fans of The Who are presently engaged in a bidding war on Ebay for the lost lyrics from the song "Substitute". The words scrawled on the back of a Kung Fu Panda toy were discovered in a Happy Meal by the vendor who wishes to remain anonymous. At the time of writing the price had shot up to £2.47 with still a day to go. You can judge for yourself if the price is right, as we have managed t...

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Tom Cruise tried to steal my legs

Nicole Kidman has spoken out for the first time about her failed marriage to the strange Scientologist and closet queen Tom Cruise. She describes in detail the humiliation and odd requests that actor Tom would make to her every day. Poor ginger...

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A day with Cliff and Jedward

One day, Jedward were strolling through their local city centre, heading off to KFC to suck on some citrus handwipes. They had spent the day in the local toilets and their mouths felt as crusty and salty as Dawn French's gusset after a long hot car journey. Coming in the opposite direction was none other than Cliff Richard, brother of Keith, resplendent on his roller blades, in a "GOD'S MY BE...

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Jurassic Palace Park

It had not been a good decade or so, for the Royal Family since Princess Diana had been murdered. Their popularity wasn't what it was and the Queen was concerned about their steady decline and the loss of public funding. After all she had three lazy and useless sons to care for. She had been thinking it over and over for a solution to this problem for months, without any success. Then one eve...

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