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Walgreen's Hires Sexual Predator As Security Guard

I was convinced that April would be better after the first 10 days went by without incident, internet not included. And then the most ridiculous thing possible happened. Here's the letter I had to send in addition to visiting the local police precinct. Some vital info needed prior to reading: the man below is 50 years old, was a security guard on duty, and was called "one of the nicest people aliv...

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Bottoms For Large Bottoms: New Kardashian Clothing Line

Funny story: Bottoms For Large Bottoms: New Kardashian Clothing Line

Yesterday the news of the new Kardashian clothing line hit the airwaves. The line was described by Kim as, "the go to attire for white women who have larger assets." According to Khloe it's not enough to just have the larger rear end, but now people need to dress it accordingly." The line will appear in Sears, JC Penny and Dillard's starting tomorrow. According to sales estimations, the line of...

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Romney Exposed As A Polygamist

Funny story: Romney Exposed As A Polygamist

Though rumors have been flying around this week, no evidence of this has been provided until last night. Debbie and Macayla Romney have come forward after the here say linking these women to Mitt Romney. The women were chased from their homes by repo...

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Anna Wintour Laughs And Yells "Dance Monkey Dance"

Funny story: Anna Wintour Laughs And Yells "Dance Monkey Dance"

Women in general get way too excited about new trends. The euphoria seems to somehow make her forget the difference between ugly and stylish just because Vogue tells her "it's the latest thing". Now I'm not under the illusion that people have enough will power to go against the grain but it still bothers me when I have to bear witness to a 351lb man in green spandex. Luckily Vogue kept that lovely...

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This Just In, Real Life Screws Recent College Grads

Funny story: This Just In, Real Life Screws Recent College Grads

College is much better than real life. If I could pass on any advice, it would be to never graduate…. Stay in school FOREVER. In the spirit of making my life more difficult than necessary, I entered the work force before my official due date. I wish (as in I am begging you dear seniors) you would only do the opposite. With that being said, I have one piece of advice for you. Fail a final, loos...

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Contraception Banned To Replenish The Slave Trade

Funny story: Contraception Banned To Replenish The Slave Trade

While at a banquet in honor of the new "Broken Promises By a President Record", President Obama had one too many and let the real reason as to why America is planning out outlawing contraception slip to the shock of few but delight of many. Allegedl...

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Ron Paul Arrested Outside Of Ross Perot's Home For Stalking

Funny story: Ron Paul Arrested Outside Of Ross Perot's Home For Stalking

DALLAS -Throughout Ron Paul's campaign, there have been comparisons made to Ross Perot's prior attempts at the presidency. The extent of this obsession was uncovered late Sunday night when Ron Paul was arrested outside of Ross Perot's Dallas home.

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Hillary Clinton Rushed to Hospital, Suffers Mental Breakdown

Funny story: Hillary Clinton Rushed to Hospital, Suffers Mental Breakdown

WASHINGTON - Hillary Clinton was rushed to Georgetown University Hospital late Sunday evening after suffering from a mental breakdown. After an anonymous tip was called in to local authorities, Officer Dwight Leram discovered the dazed and confused...

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Alert: Real Life Is Way Too Similar To Fairy Tales

In a surprisingly good twist of fate I've been dating someone for the past two months who has yet to shock and horrify me. Fear not, his freak flag will fly sooner or later and make for a very interesting post, but until I can publicly mock him I will need to look a little harder to find inspiration. During my journey home from one of our "slumber parties" (after telling the tourist blocking th...

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New Studies Target Human Stupidity, Answers Needed

I am aware of the sad fact that I am not perfect. This information initially came to me in the form of an ex-boyfriend giving me another girl's ratty shirt (there was no way I owned that thing) when I went to claim my belongings only a day after the split. Thanks Steve, message received, loud and clear. Once I was forced to acknowledge my flaws, I began my "enlightenment phase," in which I began m...

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90s Style Icons: Gone But Not Forgotten

Funny story: 90s Style Icons: Gone But Not Forgotten

It may seem hard to believe, but there was a time when socks were scrunched, skinny "jeans" weren't made of denim (or for women), and Cher Horowitz was idolized by all. Although there is irrefutable evidence proving the '90s were a dark time for America regarding all things fashion, these icons definitely bring back memories of a simpler time (when news came on paper, carrying a cell phone was con...

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Rumor Confirmed: Romney Will Form

Funny story: Rumor Confirmed: Romney Will Form

NEW YORK - Rumors of a "United States 2.0″ have recently spread throughout the Internet with the rising threat of Rick Santorum as a noteworthy contender in the 2012 Republican presidential race. Today, Fox News confirmed these rumors in an interview...

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Santorum To Turn Washington Monument Into Crucifix

Funny story: Santorum To Turn Washington Monument Into Crucifix

NEW YORK, NY Worldwide famous psychic Sylvia Browne appeared on "The Today Show" Monday morning and revealed Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum's alarming plans for the Washington Monument. Santorum is allegedly planning on turning the Egy...

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Target Human - Solving America's and China's Largest Problems

WASHINGTON D.C. Americans are frustrated. China is overpopulated. It looks like there is finally a solution to both of those problems. In recent weeks, President Obama and his staff have been talking secretly with Hu Jintau and other Chinese lead...

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New Laws In Effect Starting January 1- READ CAREFULLY- Ignorance is Not a Defense

WASHINGTON- With the New Year rapidly approaching, it's time to make those changes for yourself and society. Since citizens are having issues when it comes to making sense, the government will be stepping in. The following behaviors/ items will become illegal as of January 1st, 2012. Please look over the new laws thoroughly since ignorance is not a defense. Diet Drinks and Not So Diet Meals...

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Cheat Sheet - How To Identify A Crazy Guy Before It's Too Late

I have a very dear friend who attracts a particular type of spices that should only be referred to as Bat Shit Crazy, BSCs. I will take on the challenge of this particular revolution, just please jump on the band wagon so I don't seem…. I think you get it. Once we are all secured in this vessel, we need to let the scientific community in on this new idea, if only for the purpose of identifying th...

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Which Is Worse: Kid Or Parent? Helpful Tips On Combating The "Unruly Child Pandemic"

It was just Saturday evening that I was with my very own mother. We were on the escalator traveling upstairs from the lower level of Fairway to the street. Half way upstairs, we heard shrill screams and the sound of slamming footsteps on the tile. Ok, think fast. Kidnappers? Terrorists? Nope. Just your average run of the mill irresponsible parenting. What did we see? At the top of the escalat...

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A Moment of Slience For The Plight of Snow White

Someone needs to take on the burden of exposing the hard truth, which is, fairy tales chosen to entertain young girls glorify the creepiest situations. This is what lies a woman's foundation for an extremely disappointing life in the years to come, since the fictional ideals and virtues are not part of the reality in which we reside. As I see no investigative journalists stepping up, I will s...

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