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Prince Philip's CHOGM gaffes

Well known for sticking his size 12 boot where it doesn't belong, Prince Philip has enjoyed a long and illustrious history of inappropriate public statements and generally bad attitude. At the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) this week he's proved he's not losing his low brain cell and emotional intelligence touch: To Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard about her inability t...

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The Queen talks down to CHOGM

Her Maj the Queen this morning opened the Commonwealth Heads of Government Conference (CHOGM) in Perth, Western Australia. Here are the key excerpts from her opening speech: Ewwwww, hellewwww, my name is Elizabeth, Queen of England, and what's left of one's great aunt Victoria's once massive empire. One hopes you appreciate the effort Philip and I have made to come to Australia. It's a frigh...

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Western Australia Declares Martial Law

We're having to whisper this story from Perth Western Australia, as none of us is safe. The city has been taken over by police and military to make sure nobody lobs a meat pie at Her Majesty who's here for the CHOGM piss-up of unknown, backward Commo...

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Aussie Prime Minister sits on the Queen's face

In breaking news, Julia Gillard the Australian Prime Minister has caused international furor by first refusing to curtsey to the Queen and then accidentally sitting on the Queen's face. The face-sitting incident happened at a dinner for Her Maj in...

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The West Aussie government hunts killer sharks

Following the fatal attack on an American tourist by a Great White shark this week, the Western Australian government has legalized hunting and killing the type of Great Whites that pose a threat to human life. Camomile Aborhugger, a one-legged, a...

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The Queen CHOGM's in Australia, ho hum

All over Australia people are breathing giant "ho hums" at the prospect of Her Maj visiting our mighty shores this week. The main reason for the visit, apart from getting some sunlight on her translucent Brit skin, is to attend the Commonwealth Heads...

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Apple announces edible iPhone

From its Cupertino California Headquarters, Apple Corporation's Self-Philanthropic Division just announced the imminent release of its revolutionary product, an edible iPhone. Called the iFood, the new phone has two target markets. Spokesman Isa W...

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The Pope caught shoplifting lingerie

Pope Benedictine XVI was today arrested after being caught on CCTV stealing ladies undergarments from exclusive Rome department store Il Condome. Head store detective Francino Goonisimo described today's events: "Belissimo, arriverderci, tagli...

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Grand Theft Banker online game takes World #1 spot

In just 2 months since its release by Bankrupt America Online, the game Grand Theft Banker has become the most played online game on the planet. The game randomly simulates the payment of massive bonuses to senior bankers and floor traders in retu...

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Banker with a conscience and heart discovered and buried

After 20 years of exploration by an international team of forensic anthropologists, a member of the banking industry has been discovered who had a conscience and beating heart. Team leader Digby Digdembones spoke from his cave in Cornwall UK today...

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Moammar Gadhafi lands top banking job

Moammar Gadhafi, former ruler of Libya, has emerged from hiding after his overthrow and has been appointed President of International Banking for Citibank's Middle Eastern Division. Chuck Ferkemall, Senior Senior President EMEA for Citibank explai...

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Australian Prime Minister evicted following rave party

Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard and her partner Tim Mathieson have been evicted from The Lodge, their official residence in Canberra, after hosting a rave party that got out of control causing millions of dollars of damage. "Me and Tim was...

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The Queen to abdicate and emigrate to Australia

Buckingham Palace has just issued a statement that Her Majesty The Queen intends to abdicate from the royal throne and to emigrate to Australia. Royal Press Secretary Sir James Faversham-Gainsborough-Kizzmeyarrz read the following statement prepared by Her Maj: Philip and I have decided to stand aside and give our son Charles the opportunity to rule the British Empire. We've waited this long in...

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Aussie politicians get 500% pay rises

Australian federal politicians have woken up to the surprise news they are going to get 500% pay rises.Speaking in Canberra, Prime Minister with the world's worst Aussie accent, Julia Gillard made this speech. G'day all 'n' sundry. This has come as a compleeeete shock to us all. The Indeeeependent Pay Tribunal, chaired by me brother-in-law Josh Bigballs, has decided all us polies need a bit of...

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Julia Gillard patents her nod (nod, nod, nod)

Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard has lodged a patent on her nod with the Australian Patents Office. Well known for her compulsive nodding, even when saying "No", Ms Gillard decided her nodding action can be commercialised. "There's a huge m...

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Poverty Stricken Greeks to visit the Rings of Uranus

In a bid to lift national spirits and world standing the Greek Government has announced plans to send a manned space ship to Uranus by 2020. Speaking from Athens, Greek Space Administration CEO Apollo Kakas made the announcement at a press confer...

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Chopper Reid addresses the United Nations Security Council

In a last ditch effort to save her "Swap an Illegal" deal with Malaysia, Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard has appointed Chopper Reid as Australia's Ambassador to the United Nations. This morning Chopper addressed the Security Council in...

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Global financial crisis a 'banking error'

President of the International Monetary Fund Patsy Laggard has admitted that the Global Financial Crisis is a banking error. Speaking from her Washington DC office Ms Laggard explained: "Mai oui, but yes, we are vereee soreee, we made a beeg...

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