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Spoof stories written by Tommy Twinkle

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Funny story: Ron and Fred: Keg bitter.

Ron and Fred: Keg bitter.

Ron: No keg Fred, so I got you the usual. Fred: Just thought it'd make a change. Nehmind, they waitin' on a delivery then? Ron: No, gaffer reckons all the breweries stopped making keg bitter araand twenny odd years ago. I said to 'im, I said you ought to av a sign up behind the bar so as people will know. Fred: They don't tell yer nuffin now Ron, just do as they please without any warnin'. Ron...

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Funny story: Prince William Expected To Pull Through!

Prince William Expected To Pull Through!

Prince William has been advised to spend tonight in hospital following the birth of his son at 4.24pm today. However, Dr Donald Dockter of London's St Mary's Hospital in Paddington, who is heading the team of doctors caring for the prince assured the...

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Funny story: Ron and Fred on Jugs n Bells

Ron and Fred on Jugs n Bells

RON: I mean I'm not sayin' ev'ryfing was better in the old days Fred coz they wasn't, no gettin away from it, but plenty ov fings was. And I miss em I do. I miss the bells. I miss the smell ov coal, and the saand me mum would make wiv the shovel when she was gettin a bucket ov it in from a big metal fing we ad in our garden. Sahnd all ov its own it ad. It'd all be covered in snow when she came bac...

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Funny story: Bilderberg Whistleblower Heard Power Cuts Plan To Keep People Smoking!

Bilderberg Whistleblower Heard Power Cuts Plan To Keep People Smoking!

Lady Henrietta Partridge-Greenwelly, the wife of ex-Austerity Minister Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly, has turned whistleblower by revealing a devious plot to keep people smoking put together behind closed doors during the recent Bilderberg meeti...

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Funny story: British Cities To Be Protected By Barrage Balloons Again!

British Cities To Be Protected By Barrage Balloons Again!

David Cameron has announced a return of barrage balloons to protect the people of Britain's cities from the latest terrorist threat - model aircraft bombs. The balloons, already ordered from China should begin to arrive in Britain within the next few...

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Funny story: President Putin Calls Cameron A Nincompoop Over Mountain Misunderstanding!

President Putin Calls Cameron A Nincompoop Over Mountain Misunderstanding!

The Prime Minister is still refusing to leave his home in Downing Street to face reporters following the urgent telephone call he made to President Putin last night when demanding that Russia return Mount Snowdon to Britain immediately. The front...

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Funny story: Henry Kissinger Declared Winner Of Bilderberg Golf Competition!

Henry Kissinger Declared Winner Of Bilderberg Golf Competition!

The disqualification of Britain's Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls for cheating during Sunday's final day Bilderberg annual golfing competition means original runner-up, 90 year old Henry Kissinger has now been declared the official winner. 'I suspecte...

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Funny story: US Radio Host Alex Jones Tricks His Way Through Security At Bilderbog Bash!

US Radio Host Alex Jones Tricks His Way Through Security At Bilderbog Bash!

Unprecedented security measures at this week's Bilderbog bash near Watford have failed to stop US radio host Alex Jones from finding a way in. Mr Jones, though eventually caught and promptly thrown out managed to spend nearly hours inside the grou...

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Funny story: Did Philip Eat From Wrong Bucket At Palace Garden Party?

Did Philip Eat From Wrong Bucket At Palace Garden Party?

The Duke of Edinburgh is 'progressing satisfactorily' tonight after undergoing an exploratory operation on his abdomen performed by royal surgeon, Dr Gregory Rasputin. The results are being analysed by laboratory scientists though are expected to con...

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Funny story: Thatcher's Final Resting Place To Be At Scarborough!

Thatcher's Final Resting Place To Be At Scarborough!

Britain's first female Prime Minister, Baroness Margaret Thatcher has died following a massive stroke early on Monday morning at her London home. It is thought she was not on the Liverpool Care Pathway at the time. A funeral service is to be held...

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Funny story: Ron and Fred on Quantitative Easing

Ron and Fred on Quantitative Easing

It's another afternoon at The Red Lion pub. Ron and Fred are already into their second pint at 'their' table. FRED: You gonna be in this evening at 'ome, Ron? RON: Yeah, avin a night in t'night I am. Why? FRED: My son's poppin' raand t' see me later so I'll get 'im t' drop your ladder back in 'is car. RON: No rush, mate. FRED: Well, I've finished the ceilin' and the walls ov me kitchen...

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Funny story: Much Younger Man Expected To Be Chosen To Become Next Pope!

Much Younger Man Expected To Be Chosen To Become Next Pope!

This morning's announcement from the Vatican that 85 year old Pope Benedict XV1 is to stand down as leader of the Catholic church due to advancing years seems almost certain to mean the choice of a much younger replacement. Pope Benedict XV1's dec...

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Funny story: Ghost Of Margaret Thatcher Seen Again At 10, Downing Street!

Ghost Of Margaret Thatcher Seen Again At 10, Downing Street!

The ghost of Margaret Thatcher has again been reported seen at 10, Downing Street, this time by Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. A terrified Mr Clegg, who managed to escape into the street through a ground floor office window after being confronted...

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Funny story: Duchess Of Cambridge In Tears After Unveiling Of Official Portrait!

Duchess Of Cambridge In Tears After Unveiling Of Official Portrait!

The Duchess of Cambridge broke down in tears this morning when she and Prince William attended the unveiling of her first official portrait at London's National Gallery. Kate was upset after discovering gorilla artist Paul Emsley had depicted her...

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Funny story: Ron and Fred on Crisps!

Ron and Fred on Crisps!

FRED: Crisp? RON: What are they, cheese n onion? FRED: Nah, barman said they're all out ov cheese n onion. All 'e 'ad was salt n vinegar, or ready salted. RON: I'll av one if it's plain. FRED: Nah, these are salt n vinegar, Ron. RON: Oh, you should av got plain, I would av ad one or two ov 'em if yed got a packet of plain crisps. FRED: So go n buy yerself a packet of plain...

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Funny story: Conga Collision At Essex Pub Leaves Dozens Injured!

Conga Collision At Essex Pub Leaves Dozens Injured!

Two people have been seriously injured with dozens more left bruised and shaken after two lines of conga dancers collided head-on outside a pub in Loughton, Essex just after midnight. The collision, at Loughton's 'The Red Lion' public house occur...

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Funny story: Ron & Fred On Royal Longevity!

Ron & Fred On Royal Longevity!

FRED: Allo, Ron. Happy Boxing Day. Pint's ready for yer on the table 'ere. RON: Cheers Fred. Do much Christmas Day? Any visitors? FRED: Nah, very quiet. Most ov my fam'ly died off years ago. Stuffed me face wiv turkey, watched the Queen's speech on the telly, then 'ad a few cans before fallin' a kip in me armchair. RON: Same wivs my lot. Still the odd one dotted abaht 'ere n there but mo...

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