So reads the transcript of the military tribunal investigating Salim Abu Zayabada of Saudi Arabia on charges of attempted terrorism within U.S. borders. Apparently Zayabada's plot was thwarted by the mouth-watering richness he encountered at the Snak...
WASHINGTON - Presumptive Speaker-of-the-House John Boehner (R-Ohio) recalls his difficult upbringing. "I was one of twelve children, and we were poor. I quit school to work in the onion processing plant. We peeled and diced onions all day. Very t...
NEW YORK, NY - "Davy and I were ready to settle into a comfortable retirement," says Charles, age 75. "But then the recession hit, our nest egg lost half its value, and the government was running out of money. So Davy and I had to go back to work."...
INTERNATIONAL CITY, Michigan - At 10:51pm last night, emergency operators were contacted by a man who saw smoke and flames at his neighbor's house. Police and firefighters responded and confirmed flames inside the living room. They attempted to ent...
NATICK, Massachusetts - As was prophesied in the Ago Times, the great winged buffalo god, Catoplebas, was awakened from a thousand-year slumber by the myriad wailing of small buffalo who had been de-winged. On the eleventh hour of the tenth day of...
LONDON - Wikileaks has published 57 linear feet of toilet paper detailing Julian Assange's high-tech plan to be broken out of London's Wandsworth prison. The plan consists of Assange apparently being officially transferred to another prison on M...
Democratic People's Republic of North Korea is proud to announce that esteemed Council for the Arts has awarded coveted Kim Jong-il Prize for Poetry to Kim Jong-il for seventeenth consecutive year. Mr. Kim is well-beloved for finding inspirations...
WASHINGTON - Federal investigators have discovered a sophisticated two-mile tunnel between K Street and the Capitol. The tunnel, wide enough for two limousines, was used to funnel money and influence to and from lobbyists' offices. The D.C. Tunne...
WASHINGTON - "Angela Merkel is risk-averse and rarely creative, but get her in a strapless evening gown and she's the Bavarian Alps! And I bet she's a cougar, ready to pounce. Give her a nine." So states one of countless U.S. diplomatic cables tha...
HOLLYWOOD - A song that was recorded by Miley Cyrus but not included in an album has been leaked to this reporter. The song, entitled "Let's Dance", was planned to appear on Cyrus' 2008 album The Time of Our Lives but was replaced by "Party in the USA". Let's Dance! < accompanied by a thumping disco beat.> Hey, pilot, strapped in the seat, Don't you want to move your feet? Don't...
ST. LOUIS, Missouri - Police report that an unidentified young male found the body of a young woman in the alleyway adjacent to the Up Beat night club. The body was that of a young unidentified female, clothed in a tight black mini-skirt and pacing...
HANOI, Vietnam - Government trade and finance officials are warning of a global "domino effect", where financial defaults in one Western nation would induce further defaults in neighboring nations. Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung explained, "Thos...
SACRAMENTO, California - Governor-elect Jerry Brown chose the occasion of Miley Cyrus' 18th birthday to declare that both Miley and marijuana are now legal for the recreational pleasure of the state's population at large. Five years ago, use of ei...
You may experience some side effects when taking this medication. You may experience memory lapses to varying degrees. You may forget to take your daily dose. (If you do, simply return to the daily schedule. Do not take two doses together.) You may forget where you have placed your bottle of medication. (We suggest leaving the bottle on your night stand or otherwise out in the open. You...
PICADILLY CIRCUS, London - An unidentified American tourist died today while visiting a British satirical. The bloke had just stepped from the lift coming up from the tube. He was enjoying the many colours, odours, and flavours of Picadilly when...
WASHINGTON - The Unites States is now under the rule of a North Korean occupation force of one million troops. In a carefully timed midnight raid, the North Korean military successfully executed Jag-eob Teulibtopan (Operation Tryptophan), easily sei...
STOCKHOLM, Sweden - Lady Gaga is the recipient of the 2010 Nobel Prize in Chemistry for her work in "ground-breaking experiments and applications of the novel two-dimensional material, graphene." The chemist/musician explained, "I needed a new fas...
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