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A refusal to engage in sexual acts with the opposite sex a discrimination too far, says Nick Griffin

The leader of the BNP, Nick Griffin, has finally revealed his compassionate side by claiming a refusal to engage in sexual acts with the opposite sex is a discrimination too far, after he put the address of a gay couple who won a landmark court rulin...

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Fuel tanker drivers vote yes to disrupting more traffic than usual

Fuel tanker drivers have voted in favour of obstructing markedly more journeys than usual in an ongoing row over safety conditions which have seen them placed in a similar amount of danger to someone trying to over-take one of their vehicles, the Uni...

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Ex-Brookside star jailed for making Eastenders plots appear plausible

Ex-Brookside actor Brian Regan has been jailed for his part in making the plot-lines which have become the hallmark of the BBC's flagship soap Eastenders appear remotely realistic. Regan, who was originally charged with murder following the death...

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Householders warned they are never more than six feet away from a Tory

Households across Britain have been warned of the imminent dangers presented to their well-being following the disconcerting revelation they were never more than 6 feet away from a fully formed Tory. The unfathomably populous homo-sapien Torius-ra...

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Vatican dismay at lack of RSVP for Irish Catholic abuses

The Vatican has expressed its 'dismay and betrayal' at the Catholic Clergy across Ireland for its failure to invite their seniors to join the many instances of child abuse across the country. In a report published on Tuesday, it called for a 'new...

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Putin demands recount after only 67% of his fraudulently cast votes counted

Victorious Russian President Vladimir Putin has demanded a recount of all votes cast in the country's election after it emerged that only 67% of the fraudulent votes he cast were counted. The president, now into his third term, was alerted to the...

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Back my vision by emptying Stamford Bridge on matchdays, AVB tells Abramovich

Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas has urged owner Roman Abramovich to back his blueprint for the long-term future of the club by insisting all matches played at Stamford Bridge be completely free of home fans. The Portuguese feels a lack of suppor...

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John Terry 'didn't have the legs' to step down as England captain

John Terry refused to resign as England captain as he did not have the legs to stand down, according to a source close to the player. The Chelsea skipper, who received a date for his trial on charges of racial abuse, would have needed to undergo a...

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Environmentalists buoyant as surge in sea levels comprehensively outstripped by rise in water prices

Buoyant environmentalists across the UK have asserted their satisfaction that the anticipated surge in sea levels around the globe has been comprehensively outstripped by an average 5.7% rise in household water prices. Scientists believe sea level...

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Doubling of old age care costs stirs shares in 'backhanded slaps' market

News that the families of millions of UK pensioners will be forced to pay twice as much for them to stay in a care home has seen stocks and shares in the mashed food and backhanded slap markets soar to unprecedented new heights. Market's across t...

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Evel Knievel now responsible for Direct Gov road safety campaign

Evel Knievel, the former stunt racing driver, is now responsible for DirectGov's 'Think' road safety campaign, as part of government plans to hive off key departmental responsibilities to those who haven't the first clue about their area of assigned...

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Wenger unhappy at Abba's 1974 Eurovision Song Contest award

Arsene Wenger has aired his discontent at the award of the 1974 Eurovision Song contest to Glam-Rock group Abba, saying if awards were to be dished out for being easy on the eye, his side were due every accolade ever issued. The Arsenal boss is...

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British Gas announces 5% increase in pretending to care about customers

British Gas has announced a 5% increase in pretending to care about its customer base after confirming it will slash 5% off electricity bills which increased by 16% in August. The move comes a day after EDF ramped up their own attempts at feigning...

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Warner Bros plan US Marine urination biopic

Warner Bros are to begin casting for an as of yet unnamed biopic recounting US Marine's liberating Afghanistan from its tyrannical rule by urinating on the corpses of fallen members of presiding Taliban forces. The movie, to be directed by Franci...

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Controversy as sheep help Irish man set 8-hour sobriety record

Controversy abounds across the water after it was alleged an County Donegal man abused his affinity with 744 New Zealand sheep in a bid to set a new 8-hour sobriety world record for an Irishman. Ivan Scott from Kilmacrennan, beat the world record...

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Paddington Bear to launch marmalade sandwich rendition probe

Paddington Bear is to lead an immediate investigation into the alleged 'renditioning' of a loaf bread and the contents of a jar of marmalade apparently removed from the cupboard of his live-in landlords, the Browns. The Bear, from Deepest Darkest...

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Gerrard extends Premier League Winner indemnity

Steven Gerrard has extended his current Premier League Winner indemnity agreement with Liverpool for an undisclosed period of time, the club have announced. The midfielder negotiated an extension to his existing indemnity with the Merseyside outfi...

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Nation given right to sue midwife who delivered Joey Barton

The British public should be granted the legal right to sue the mid-wife who successfully cleared the airways of the newborn Queens Park Rangers midfielder, Joey Barton, according to everyone polled. 100% of the population asked whether they agree...

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