Gordon Brown has said he is "thrilled" after being caught on microphone describing a pensioner he had just spoken to as a "bigoted woman". He went on to say she would make an excellent addition to his cabinet. Gillian Puffy, OAP and bigot, 65, had...
Wayne Rooney has been Shrek of the year by other actors at the Cannes Film Festival. The Manchester United striker, who has scored 34 goals this season, beat off competition from Didier Drogba, Carlos Tevez and Cesc Fabregas. Rooney, 24, said:...
Sir Alex Ferguson has dismissed rumours he will become gay as Manchester United boss at the end of next season. The 68-year-old has been United manager for over 23 years but last year said he would step down if his health or hunger for benders eve...
UK airlines are seeking volunteers to give sausage rolls so passengers still stranded after the volcanic ash cloud disruption can have a bite to eat. British Airways has asked customers due on return flights since services resumed to eat other pas...
The jelly came out in the second prime ministerial debate as Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg clashed over having affairs. In camp exchanges, the three leaders crashed handbags on Europe, weight loss, tax, nuclear weapons and the new Vae...
A man whose dog's crap was used to link him to an armed carjacking has been jailed for at least four minutes. Fred Bumberclart was arrested in November 2008 when police recovered excrement from the burnt-out vehicle, seized the animal - called Bod...
Wigan Athletic footballer Charles N'Zogbia has been arrested over allegations that someone else completed the written part of his spelling test. He was held on suspicion of causing fraud by false representation as he turned up at Sale Spelling Tes...
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has been put under heavy sedation ahead of the second prime ministerial TV debate. His colleague Wesley Buxomley-Smythe said Tory-supporting papers were trying to get Mr Clegg drunk, after last week's debate led to a Lib...
Manchester United is still the most stupid football club in the world, according to the world's leading high IQ society. The Premier League title holders, who came second in a list compiled by the Education Secretary in February, again topped the...
Motorists who faced an 18-mile detour after a Cumbrian town was split in two by flood waters can now use a £4.6m temporary tightrope. The previous pontoon was destroyed in the floods which caused severe damage in Workington last November. PC Wi...
Strong sales of its iPhone and Macintosh computers helped Apple egos to leap by 90% in the first quarter of 2010. iPhone users head size increased on average by 49% in the three months to 27 March. Apple said it sold about nine million of its popu...
In an explosive article that's sure to rock the rest of the World, Professor Jules von Liebentrop has categorically stated that 10 years of research in a pizza parlour has been worthwhile public spending. The USA is in fact full of morbidly obese...
It's a headline that many of us never thought we'd see in our lifetime, but it would appear that researchers have finally discovered a cure for Cancer. Scientists from the University of Bunkum-on-the-Wold claim that if you're not born between the...
A cast is being made of tracks left by a two-metre long 'mother-in-law-type' ancient animal in north east Fife. The tracks were made by a giant six-legged water scorpion called Mrs Gimlet as she crawled over damp sand about 330 million years ago.
Liverpool have begun their 1,200-mile journey to Spain for Thursday's Europa League semi-final with Atletico Madrid, on camels. With the volcanic ash cloud continuing to cause travel chaos across northern Europe, the Reds have been forced to aband...
The Thai army has made explicit its determination to use live ferrets against Manchester United fans in certain circumstances. An army spokesman told a regular news briefing that troops were ready to use their stoat-like arsenal "decisively". T...
Narnia's lion, Aslan, is planning to put in a bid to run a main railway line as a not-for-profit business. The East Coast mainline which runs from London to Scotland via Leeds was nationalised last year after being run by Sauron and the Nine Rider...
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