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New Internet start-ups cause faint buzz of excitement

Over the last 15 years or so, the Internet has grown from a corner of a Florists shop, just outside Hartlepool, to an industry worth thousands of pounds. London's Silicon Coffin is trying to rival that of San Francisco's Silicon Breasts. They are...

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Infamous Gardener's Aide Caught abusing Dwarf

In revelations shown in today's Weaving Monthly, it was revealed that an aide to a favourite pruner and general misery avoider, Wendy Wimsy was photographed yodelling love songs to a wig wearing Dwarf, believed to be called Ken. Several hours late...

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Cowell invites Michael Jackson to X-Factor Judging Panel

In the last throw to flog a dead corpse, an aloof newspaper has reported that Simon Cowell has hired a medium in order to get Michael Jackson on to his Saturday night warble a-thon. Cowell has summoned famous medium, Hearty O'Flower to start discu...

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The Stig implicated in post office raid

Shock descended on Middle Thrash on Monday afternoon, after drunken locals believed to have seen The Stig holding up the hamlet's post office. Terrence O'Dyer saw a "man in a strange white suit" jump out of a 1975 Vauxhall Viva with a shooter, and...

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Children's TV Weirdo with fetish caught

Gary O'Blimey with a strange urination fetish was caught, thanks to an eagle-eyed children's TV viewer. Mr O'Blimey liked to barge into a ladies toilets around Stoke-on-Trent, whereby he would attempt to urinate between the victim's legs, whilst t...

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Flyanair plan to tax souls

Flyanair are scratching around, wondering what to tax next. Some brainbox in their monolith Dublin bunker, has come up with the bright idea that all souls travelling on the said airline, will be taxed for being alive. There are discussions whethe...

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Onion Terror - Francois Hollande announces new policies

In a landmark speech made by Hollande in Holland, the French Premier announced that the Euro will be replaced with a "vibrant form of bartering". In the outlined proposals, a fisting will equal one Euro, a flick of the Testicles is worth ten Eur...

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Cretin wins mayoral race

Labour candidate, Alan Cretin won the Sparrow-on-the-Wold mayoral by-election last night. Cretin, a former Miss World and the first person to legally breastfeed a Stoat, thrashed second-placed Tory winner Cardinal Ken "Mincepie" McGregor. Fellow s...

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Dorking Man With Calculator Fetish Finally Rumbled

The phantom Calculator stroker, Kevin Sneeze was finally caught in a Dorking Ryman's on Thursday afternoon. Mr Sneeze's main affliction (dubbed "The Calculator Pimp" by local ombudsmen) was Calculators. He would parade around the various stationers...

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Newspaper rapped for releasing Radio DJ's intimate Tupperware secrets

The Press Complaints Commission upheld a complaint made by turbulent war monger, and BBC Radio 2 novelty act Jeremy Vine. In July 2010, Belfast-based "The Exeter Nibble" published allegations that Sir Vine partook in reckless activities with Tuppe...

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Harpsichord found on top of Mount Everest

Fellow beachcombers were surprised to see an antique Harpsichord, 24,000 feet up Mount Everest. Conjoined twins, Andy and Terence Cough stumbled across the curious find, whilst taking part in a charity fun-run, up the rocky outcrop. Andy added "c...

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Funeral Directors in York chase down Coffin Dodgers

Due to shortage of new business, Funerals Directors in York have been seen "chasing down" the elderly. One survivor Beryl Chestnut, 84, of Gusset Close spoke of their actions... "I was just planning to visit my sister, who only lives 184 yards...

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X Factor Auditionee Strangled By Song

X Factor auditionee, Kerry Rumbelows was mid way through the hit "I will survive" by beat combo Gloria Gaynor, when tragedy struck, and she was felled by a couple of tricky lyrics. Rumbelows, 24, a former Gravy Stirer, was trotted out to perform o...

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Man "pumped full of Mayonnaise"

Horror overtook shoppers in an Altrincham ASDA, where a man slipped on a discarded Plum, and skidded head first into a pallet of Mayonnaise. For the next twelve minutes, the man, a local embalmer, Toby Lion, was encased in the pallet, and with no...

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Nation mourns over Cheryl Cole fart

At three o'clock on Saturday, football grounds will fall silent, as news expanded out of Huw Edwards, announcing that Cheryl Cole had expelled a rather foul smelling gas, after having a rather noxious Curry during the all you can eat buffet at Mad Mu...

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Swedish Painter ejaculates objects whilst visiting Obelisk

Famous Swedish Painter Lloyd van Oobstratten was videoed ejaculating numerous objects, whilst visiting the infamous Edwardian Obelisk, just outside the Welsh capital, Rhyl. Onlookers reported that Mr van Oobstratten had started to parade around th...

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Swanage Bakers IV Offer Way Out For Tevez

League One side Swanage Bakers IV have sent a loan request to Manchester City to take gravity defying Carlos Tevez on-loan, until someone can be bothered to take on his demands; one of them being that he is insists that he has a rotating hostess on s...

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Arsenal to sign Spider

Funny story: Arsenal to sign Spider

After Arsenal shipping a canoeful of goals during the Sunday meatfest with arch rivals Moist United, the Arsenal manager Herr Wenger has been recommended a Spider, that can play all along the back four by his deemed nemesis Steve Bruce Forsyth.

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