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Spoof stories written by Asheville Jack

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Funny story: DNA is a Secularist Conspiracy

DNA is a Secularist Conspiracy

The following is a partial reprint of a handbill given to me one Sunday morning as I stumbled to my pickup after a wild night partying in Athens, Ga, home of the University of Georgia. At issue was the recent DNA extracted from a 37,000 year old hum...

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Funny story: Bowling Alley Employee Rescues 'Fan-like' UFO from Pin Setting Machine

Bowling Alley Employee Rescues 'Fan-like' UFO from Pin Setting Machine

Reno, NV. - One minute Justin Fardner was about to leave work. The next he was pulling a buzzing UFO from a dangerous apparatus used to reset bowling pins. Fardner, a 69-year-old part-time employee and retired Braille translator, had just ended h...

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Funny story: New Hearing Aid uses Pubic Hairs to Amplify Sounds

New Hearing Aid uses Pubic Hairs to Amplify Sounds

New York - Researchers at Columbia University say they have developed a new improved hearing aid that utilizes pubic hairs to enhance sound waves. The discovery, they say, could one day help the severely hearing impaired lead a near normal life. T...

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Funny story: "I've Permanetly Retired From Competitive Soccer" says Ex-Pope

"I've Permanetly Retired From Competitive Soccer" says Ex-Pope

Rome - Catholic soccer fans are in shock today after Ex-Pope Benedict XVI said he is hanging up his cleats at the end of the season and would no longer compete in Vatican League soccer. Benedict XVI, the leading scorer the last seven seasons for...

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Funny story: Dick Cheney Hunting This Weekend; Wyoming Residents Warned to Stay Indoors

Dick Cheney Hunting This Weekend; Wyoming Residents Warned to Stay Indoors

On a hunting excursion in 2006 then-vice president Cheney famously wheeled around to shoot a bird and instead blasted birdshot into his hunting partners face. Cheney said his ex-hunting buddy still proudly carries the metallic mementos of that fatefu...

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Funny story: L.A. Cops Riot and Torch Stations after Fellow Officer doesn't Beat Black Man Pulled Over for Speeding

L.A. Cops Riot and Torch Stations after Fellow Officer doesn't Beat Black Man Pulled Over for Speeding

Los Angles - LA citizens have detained 36 police officers believed to be involved in what are being termed a 'cop riot" caused by the lack of a proper beating not given to a Black man pulled over for a traffic violation. City authorities moved on...

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Funny story: 79 Year Old Cat Lady Climbs Giant Oak and Refuses to Come Down

79 Year Old Cat Lady Climbs Giant Oak and Refuses to Come Down

A 79 year old grandmother, known locally as the Cat Lady because of her habit of taking in thousands of homeless cats over the years, has climbed a giant Oak tree in her front yard and has refused to come down. Neighbors say that Mrs. Gloria Fel...

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Funny story: Speaker John Boehner on the Fiscal Cliff: "Everything's on the Table Except My Benefits"

Speaker John Boehner on the Fiscal Cliff: "Everything's on the Table Except My Benefits"

Washington - During a Thanksgiving message to the nation, John Boener (R), Speaker of the House, revealed that he was absolutely and unswerving committed to avoiding the impending fiscal cliff at all cost. The Speaker promised to sit down in t...

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Funny story: Most Marijuana Smokers Can't Recall if they Voted to Legalizing Marijuana or Not.

Most Marijuana Smokers Can't Recall if they Voted to Legalizing Marijuana or Not.

John Posey of Bent Creek in Washington State says he remembers telling his friends that he intended to vote to legalize marijuana when that initiative was offered on the November 6th ballot. However, Mr. Posey also stated that he got high on some...

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Funny story: Latest Poll Says Black American Mormons would have Voted for Romney if only there were Any Black American Mormons

Latest Poll Says Black American Mormons would have Voted for Romney if only there were Any Black American Mormons

A new Fox News poll out today shows African American Mormons would have likely voted for Presidential candidate Mitt Romney in large numbers, if only there were any Black Mormons. Romney, reached during a vacation stop in Asheville North Carolina...

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Funny story: Mitt Romney Rolls Another Toddler for His Lunch Money

Mitt Romney Rolls Another Toddler for His Lunch Money

In yet another indication that the stress of the Presidential campaign is starting to wear on the republican candidate, today Mitt Romney ordered his security detail to stop his limo long enough so he could get out of the vehicle and roll a nearby ch...

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Funny story: Romney Proposes new One Million Dollar Bill

Romney Proposes new One Million Dollar Bill

Tampa - A discarded copy of Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's acceptance speech from Tampa shows that he would pursue the creation of a new One Million Dollar Bill if elected President. A copy of the speech, found in a dumpster out...

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Funny story: Romney Visits His Illegitimate Bastard Off-Shore Accounts

Romney Visits His Illegitimate Bastard Off-Shore Accounts

Septic, MA - A story in the current issue of Leader Breeders USA says Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's current Presidential overseas tour is nothing more that a cover-up to hide his visits to illegitimate bastard off-shore bank accounts, which...

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Funny story: Jailed American Comedians Escape During Olympics

Jailed American Comedians Escape During Olympics

London - Two imprisoned comedic actors escaped today amid the confusion of the summer Olympics. The two Americans, actors Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder, had been imprisoned in Buckingham Palace over two decades ago by Prince William, who lovingly...

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Funny story: Is Rush Limbaugh's Wife really a Slut?

Is Rush Limbaugh's Wife really a Slut?

Oops! Did I really just infer that Limbaugh's wife is a slut? I'm really sorry if I did. I'm sure she probably isn't. Please forgive me. I must have been talking out my ass. Drat! I've just been warned by The Spoof's word counting algorithm that I can't publish this totally fictitious crank of Limbaugh latest sewer soliloquy yet. It seems that I ran afoul of the minimum word requirement, which...

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Funny story: North Carolina Sterilization Descendants to Receive $50K

North Carolina Sterilization Descendants to Receive $50K

The descendants of people who were forcibly sterilized as part of the multi decade long eugenics program in North Carolina should receive a one-time payment of $50,000, a state task force recommended on Tuesday. The North Carolina Final Solution s...

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Funny story: Image of Tim Tebow in Grilled Cheese Sandwich a Miracle says Pope

Image of Tim Tebow in Grilled Cheese Sandwich a Miracle says Pope

Denver, CO - A man who ordered a grilled cheese sandwich at a local café was taken aback when he noticed the grilled cheese bore the likeness of Tim Tebow, the Denver Broncos quarterback extraordinaire. Even more extraordinary was that Pope Benedi...

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