A partial solar eclipse that will take place in August is under threat tonight, after sources at the White House said that President Trump thinks such an event would be uncalled-for at the present time. The eclipse, which will take place on August...
Mt. Palomar Observatory. Astronomers today confirmed what amateur moon gazers have been saying since late August: the moon is noticeably paler than it was before the total solar eclipse of Aug. 21. Offering an explanation devoid of scientific jargon...
After the sterling example of Presidential leadership by doing what everyone had been saying not to do for weeks, thousands of children have looked at the eclipse and gone blind. Parents are outraged that despite the good educational work of scien...
Columbia, SC - All of the employees of a local accounting firm filed for disability yesterday after attending a firm sponsored "total solar eclipse" reception. With all of the employees now on disability, the firm was forced to shut its doors.
In a study to be released on Tuesday, Aug. 22, and simultaneously published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, the Harvard Institute on Human Sexuality will report that children conceived during the maximum point in a total solar ecl...
In an interview today on Fox News, a spokesman for Eclipse Deniers charged that the highly touted solar eclipse set for Aug. 21 is nothing more than a scam hatched by a coalition of transportation, hotel, resort and food service interests. "Ther...
The O'Reilly Twins from Westerhailes in Edinburgh were caught red handed boarding a number 25 bus just two minutes after raiding the Sparkles Jewellery Emporium on Friday. Using the solar eclipse as cover, at approximately 9.30am, the bungling robber...
WASHINGTON, DC - USGS Chief Scientist, Jack MeHoff, released a study today that concludes that the increasing number of solar eclipses is due to Global Climate Change, caused by human activity. The report cites historical records dating back to th...
London, UK - The CEO of a bankrupt EU outfit has predicted that Friday's solar eclipse is a Judgement Day Finger of Cod message for European hystery. Phil the Greek, aka the Duke of Edinburgh, blames reckless Germans for his terrible position desp...
London - Crown jewelers have welded night vision goggles to the Queen's tiara in case she flips out on Friday when the Big Light in the sky goes awol. A powerful solar eclipse will see much of the United Kingdom blacked out in the morning in fulfi...
The Cosmos - A trainwreck astrological alignment straddles the Cosmos this Thursday when the Sun, Moon and Venus all pile into Scorpio triggering a solar eclipse in the Zodiac's Sign of Death. Skywatchers liken the aspect to a morphine/cocaine hig...
Pacific Ocean - An annular eclipse in the Earth sign of Taurus will trace a path across the world's most volatile tectonic zone on Friday. Beginning around half-past midnight GMT the 'Ring of Fire' cakewalk will take in a notorious seismic quagmir...
New York - A Public Health notice posted on the corner of E.86th and 5th is warning the aspect occurs in the 'fixed' water sign of Scorpio that rules the gonads, oil and gas and various Middle Eastern tinpot dictatorships. Particularly affected a...
Libya - The man convicted of killing 270 in the 1988 bombing of a US jet has kicked the bucket at home in Tripoli just as the eclipsed Gemini new moon began manifesting in the cosmos. Stargazers have described his RIP as an astrology classic and a...
San Francisco CA - Scientists predict that millions of rebellious idiotic, rude, young adults will be blinded Monday. Dr. Smerve Leude of the Whackover Institute told reporters that the eclipse of the sun Monday would not be total. Damaging rays wo...
London - Ufologists fighting for a share of the lucrative Gemini Solar Eclipse prediction market centered on Sunday night's occultation are having none of it, of course. They're siding with Mexican cereologist Jamie Maussan's claims that the 2004...
Monaco - The stargazer's advice is widely credited with being behind the knockout blow delivering Harris from 'dire' nuptials to octogenarian viagra guzzler Hugh Hefner. It saw delicious 25 year-old blond Playboy model Crystal jilt 85 year-old Hef...
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