EL PASO, Texas – (Satire News) – Alpha Beta’s Mimosa Sabrosa covered the 32nd Annual Taco Bell Jalapeno-Eating Contest, which was held at El Paso's Giggling Guacamole Restaurant. The yearly event draws participants from as far away as Delaware, De…
HARLEM – (Satire News) – Ever since she was a little girl growing up in Harlem, Quanzilla Yolanda Windmuffin, 26, has been able to eat lots of large things with very little effort. She explains it by saying that she has a very tiny uvula which mak…
BROOKLYN – (Satire News) – A Guinness World Record, that had stood for 18 years, has finally been broken. The Hot Sauce-Eating Record now belongs to a 27-year-old man from Osaka, Japan, who ate 9 lbs., 7 ozs., of imported hot sauce in 57 seconds.
BOSTON, Massachusetts – The officials with the Miss Massachusetts Beauty Pageant regret that they are having to cancel this year’s state beauty contest. Pageant director, Meryl "Gams" Kinderhook, 46, informed the media that, during the all-nude bo…
BROOKLYN, New York – Joey Chestnut won his 13th straight Nathan's Famous July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest, as he put away a grand total of 75 hot dogs in only 10 minutes. Joey says that he warms up by eating a quart of strawberry Jello which he…
BROOKLYN – Miki Sudo is a member of the Major League Eating Federation, and she has captured national eating titles in many categories. Over the July 4th holiday, Miki easily won the womens division of the Nathan’s Famous July Fourth Hot Dog Eatin…
Being the chair of the local Mermaid Public Relations Committee isn't all it's cracked up to be. Like today, for example, I'd like to be out swimming around in the ocean with the other mermaids. Instead I'm tasked with reading the entries of my fellow mermaids to a short story contest by a local magazine and choosing the ones that will proceed to the next round of the competition. The magazine edi...
Joey Walnuts continues to astonishing the world of competitive eating with his title as Rockey Mountain Oyster King. On Tuesday, the 21-year-old genius won the Nathan's Rockey Mountain Oysters Contest for the 10th time, breaking his own record by...
It's not the location. Or the beautiful white sands. Or the ice-blue water. Or the spectacular, pristine scenery. It's not even the hospitable locals. Siesta Beach near Sarasota, Florida, has been named The Best Beach in America by Beachcombers, a...
DENVER - The director of The Colorado State Cannabis Coalition, Lucy "Sinsemilla" Coxcoogan has just informed the press about the state's 1st Annual Marijuana Smoking Contest. Miss Coxcoogan said that the one-of-a-kind event will be held in Denver...
OSLO, Norway - Onni Ristopani, 36, has always had a tremendous fondness for sardine sandwiches and now, it has finally paid off. Ristopani has just won The 57th Annual Oslo Sardine Sandwich Eating Contest by devouring a total of 313 sardine sandwi...
NEW ORLEANS - The Louisiana Department of Festivities has just announced that a 61-year-old high school geography teacher from Lafayette, Louisiana has just won first place in the 1st Annual Louisiana Twerking Contest. Noranelle Grainquist was the...
POCATELLO - The director at Pocatello's Au Gratin Potatoes Senior Citizens Home, Artie Knoxmelon, 49, has apologized to the families of 19 of his residents. Knoxmelon told the news media that he had seen Miley Cyrus twerking on a television show a...
TULSA, Oklahoma - Local resident Emily Normina Sarkensiggle, 43, was both thrilled and saddened by a recent event. Miss Sarkensiggle who is engaged to Darnell Oldenheimer, 51, won this year's National Tabasco Drinking Contest, which is held every...
MILWAUKEE - Little six-year-old Milly Cottondandy had no idea that she would win The Heinz Ketchup Sports Drawing Contest when her mother Leslie told her to draw a picture of a soccer player. Milly, who is a devoted fan of Manchester United and es...
LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas - Claire "Cookie" Starkdiffy, 79, told the local authorities that she had no idea that what she did was against the law. Mrs. Starkdiffy, who was divorced in 2010 by her husband Wardley Starkdiffy after 51 years of marriage,...
This week a furor of verbiage over who, what, when, and why a nation is "indispensable" has swarmed across the globe very quickly. In fact, the very latest updates indicate a global contest is already underway. The world's smallest island nat...
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