A boy who was playing in a back tenfoot with his friends back in 1970, has related, years later, how, whilst sitting precariously on a neighbour's fence, he fell off it, and into a rather large patch of nettles, which stung like fuck. Wearing only...
Roger Stamen is not shy about declaring his preference in sexual partners. "Plants get me off," says Mr. Stamen, a self-employed landscape gardener. "They always have, ever since I was a kid. When other guys were masturbating to Penthouse or Beaver,...
Des Moines, Iowa horticulturist, Larry Leaf, came across the deal of a lifetime. For a meager 10 dollars Larry would obtain the seeds of a very powerful plant that would allow him to alleviate his obnoxious neighbors from his life. He planted the s...
After watching the perennially criticized M. Knight Shayamalan film "The Happening" trees have been attempting to replicate the effects on humans from the movie, but thus far have only gotten some people to sneeze and cough a lot. Mountain cedar...
DENVER - Senator Jimbo Quickdance [D-Denver] has already become one of the most popular senators in the Rocky Mountain State. And now he may be bucking for a shot at possibly entering the 2016 Democratic Presidential Race. Senator Quickdance ha...
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Department of Weather is issuing extreme cold warnings from the Dakota's, to The Great Lakes region, and over to the New Jersey area. USDW meteorologists predict that the Yukon Polar Vortex or YPV, will cause a...
Apple Labs have unveiled their latest applelet for the iPhone family: iPlant. This new app is slightly more expensive than other Apple apps, as it comes with two dozen Wifi enabled devices that are dropped in plant pots around the house. Once set...
New research has shown that the Scouse accent is the best for talking to plants in order to make them grow. Field trials were conducted at Cambridge University into whether or not talking to plants actually contributed anything to their growing ab...
A giant meat eating plant found in Borneo known as the Raja Pitcher plant has been renamed Audrey II after the man eating plant in the musical Little Shop of Horrors. The successful musical starred Rick Moranis and Steve Martin. Locals in the area...
Terry Aldous Greenthumm was found dead and partially decomposed in his New York apartment this morning, apparently expiring from natural causes up to two weeks prior. Greenthumm, owner of the largest conglomerate of commercial building plant supplie...
In a titanic effort to write a popular story, the infamous Queen Mary Jane Screws analysed the statistics and discovered that people's minds are occupied with celebrities, sex, and pot. She therefore resolved to research and report on the real truth...
In a report published this week, world experts revealed that planting crops helped reduce the effects of global warming. During months of looking at the shape and color of tree leaves, scientists were able to determine that lighter colored leaves ref...
In another piece of enviro-MENTAL-ist propaganda, the movie 'The Happening' depicts plant life releasing a compound that will kill all humans, because we are supposedly a threat to them.
In recent years many scientific breakthroughs have been made. Among the most recent are bottled water, proven to be up to 100% inside a plastic bottle, CIA computer software, designed to produce cool yet otherwise completely redundant sound effects w...
Longyearbyen, Norway (IPP) - Tragedy struck the Norwegian Island of Spitsbergen today as the body of the caretaker in charge of the Global Seed Vault (GSV) was found in the green house area of the seed storage compound located in the Svalbard Archip...
Seattle, Washington - A high-ranking PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) official admitted today that if plants were cuddly and cute, or if they screamed when plucked or stepped on, she wouldn't eat them either.
Kalamazoo, MI - What do convicted stalker Joe Stills and Garlic Mustard have in common? According to Stills, both are being denied their civil rights by governmental officials in Kalamazoo, MI after the area Earth Day Committee once again slotted Gar...
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