Clearwater, Florida guy, Sammy Dweeberson, spent a pretty uneventful life, up until now. His daily routine consisted of a shower and a nose shave, a breakfast of asparagus cookies, work at a candle manufacturing factory, a stop at a Popeye's on the...
Emeritus Professor of Nonsensical Economics and Head of the International Monetary Fund, Brian Donahue addressed reporters yesterday from his secret lair on the slopes of an unidentified volcano in the South Pacific where Professor Donahue lives to a...
Scientists at Cambridge university have accidentally split the entire Universe into two. "We're very sorry," said Kate Bifur, professor of quantum theory at Cambridge. "It was an accident." According to the incident log, the split occurred at n...
A newly published report by Dr. Beatrice Bender, Director of the New Center for Science, dismisses parallel universes as a waste of time; according to Dr. Bender, the perpendicular universe is where it's at. Announced Dr. Bender, "People want scie...
Scientists working at the National Radio Astronomy Observatory (known as the Very Large Array or VLA) near Magdelena, New Mexico called a news conference today to make a startling announcement. Following is a transcript: "Good morning ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr Ellie Arroway, chief scientist and spokesperson for the NRAO here in New Mexico. We've called you here today to announce an...
LONDON, EARTH-573 - After the terrible passing away of one of the planet's - nay, galaxy's - greatest sci-fi actresses, Elisabeth Sladen will be missed. However, because of a wormhole-temporal-flumple slip (WTFS), Sladen will appear in Earth-573,...
The Hadron Collider is going to cause unspeakable horrors according to former scientist Mad Micky Morrison. The Hadron Collider smashed records yesterday as a force of SEVEN TRILLION electron volts was unleashed. Beams of protons were slammed togeth...
Bethlehem, Idaho, December 1979 - DFYS were called in by a concerned citizen who noticed that a family was staying in a barn. Upon arrival, they took into care a minor child, Jesus Nazarene, who had been placed in a feeding trough by his mother, Mary Nazarene. The intervention was not without some incident, as the boy's father, Joseph Nazarene attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by...
LAS CRUCES, NM - When the San Francisco Onion contributed a story about Rush Limbaugh collapsing in on himself to become a black hole last March, some laughed, and most thought that would be the end of it, but now the repercussions of the story have...
Following the recent experiments with the LHC, Professor Hugh Jarse was able to reveal how toasters actually work. "The question of where did the bread go when the toast comes out has now been answered." Said Profesor Jarse He went on to explai...
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