London - Thirty-one years after burning the Derby course and distance record a spooky Shergar hexoplasm apparition has rattled bookies. Last night's seance at London's top spiritualism freakshow channelled the dead thoroughbred's warning that the...
Ascot - Online bookmaker RoyalMugPunter.con is still awaiting settlement of Derby Day IOUs on disastrous royal no-hoper Carlton House. House of Windsor losses are said to account for much of the £50 million that bookies raked in when French-traine...
London - A poll of snooty TV battleaxes has seen the BBC's Clare Balding voted Top Female Crawler. The 40 year-old sports broadcaster narrowly pipped BBC Springbotch presenter Kate Humble into second place. Crinkly-haired blond Kate's entirely...
The Queen's famous royal wave is to be phased out. The announcement from Buckingham Palace by royal spokesman Sir Henry Brunzeln yesterday follows reports that the eighty-five year old Queen had found the chore particularly tiring when attending las...
London - He's taking no chances after Saturday's Epsom Salts - er...Derby! - fiasco that saw talking whorse Carlton House strip punch-drunk Brits of £25million in failed bets. This coming weekend silly self-publicist/mug punter Prince William aims...
All the talk about Her Majesty The Queen's horse, Carlton House, being the favourite to win the Derby inspired Derby man, Jason Bourne, to take his family into Derby to see the Derby. Having loaded the wife and three kids into the family hatchback...
London - The former champion jockey is reported to be ready to flout an 'idiotic and highly illegal' Appeal Court injunction depriving him of his Derby ride today. Fallon is said to be gobsmacked after the 'restraining' order was obtained 'by stea...
London - A rogue killer cucumber is the prime suspect behind the sudden tragic death of Murphy, an army parade horse. The beast was taking part in a Royal Gun Salute when it tripped over a 'mystery object' in London's Hyde Park. Within seconds...
Epsom - The Queen's runner Carlton House is whors de combat tonight ahead of shifting starry patterns before the big race. Antepost punters were already wary this morning as news of its sprained ankle took the market by storm. Now the rapidly c...
London - Astrological glyphs for a sun/moon occultation have sprung up, crop circle-like, on Carlton House Terrace lawns ahead of Wednesday's Gemini solar eclipse. The 11 degrees Gemini phenomenon occurs at the best possible angle to the the plane...
Churchill Downs - Awesome Northern Dancer bloodlines are part of the trophy for an anonymous UK buyer who's has snapped up Saturday's Kentucky Derby winner Animal Kingdom for a cool $50 million. "It's a present for my wife," Mr X of First Big Oil...
Surrey Constabulary were reported today to be gearing up for a major incident following a massive influx of 'undesirable' types in Epsom and Ewell, thought to be concentrated on Epsom racecourse. Early eyewitness reports indicate that men wearing...
Epsom - (Back-in-the-Saddle-Again): "The horse's name means touchpaper in Arabic, haha!" a Godolphin stablehand commented today as the Newmarket yard prepared to win its first ever Epsom Derby. The booking of former champion jockey Kieren Fallon s...
Epsom Downs - (Whorsewhisperers): Hold all those ante-post bets! That's the word straight from the whorse's mouth as Epsom Derby favorite Jan Vermeer's Blue Riband glory bid started unravelling today. Named after a renowned Dutch painter the shor...
London - (Signs & Portents Ass Mess): Mystery street artist Royal Banksy of Scotland is the top official suspect following the appearance of an ominous Grim Reaper crop circle on the lawn of Buckingham Palace. The sight of the cosmic etching i...
In the second major 'bad language' incident of the weekend, Frankie Dettori, the National Hunt jockey, upset the Queen with a hail of F-words immediately after winning the Epsom Derby...
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