NEW YORK CITY – (Sports Satire) – The National Football League has dropped its random drug testing program, effective immediately. The decision was not really announced to the sports media, it was merely sent out to the 32 team owners, as a type o…
The most recent urinalysis of 19-year-old Department of Public Works groundskeeper Ian Farrell, who, like all city employees, is required to submit to regular drug testing, revealed remarkably high levels of green tea, with levels of polyphenols and...
31 states in the U.S. allow citizens to openly carry their firearms. In 10 of these states , someone who applies for welfare cash assistance through the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) has to be screened and tested for substance abus...
According to an anonymous Hollywood studio executive, actor/comedy-writer Seth Rogen recently passed a mandatory drug test which was required for an upcoming role. The negative THC results surprised studio management due to Rogen's well-known mar...
Rally style jockey protection cages are among the proposals for "Horse Smack-Head" meetings to be staged in Afhghanistan. The unfortunate horses which are prone to accidental banned substance ingestion will race while on morphine initially, before b...
After discovering huge amounts of morphine in the Queen's horse (one of many) the royal vet, Sir Humphrey Nag, a renowned horse whisperer, issued the following statement: "The Queen's horse, who shall remain anonymous, has confirmed the fact that...
Scientists have finally proven that there is a big disconnect in the minds of those heavily into pot. It has been long suspected that marijuana use has negative effects upon the brains and bodies of partakers, a claim equally long denied by the users...
NEW YORK CITY - The Major League Baseball Coalition on Drug Testing has just informed all MLB umpires that in 2014, before the start of the preseason they will be tested for PEB's. A representative with the MLBCDT Harrison Blittkinboro, 51, told t...
CHICAGO - The commissioner of the National Football League, Roger Goodell, has just announced to the news media that plans are underway to start testing NFL players for HGH, just as professional baseball has been testing for PED's (Performance Enhanc...
Washington AC/DC - Brits' confiscation of phones and laptops belonging to David Miranda may have been ordered by paranoid US Senate Internal Affairs officials to thwart publication of highly controversial drug testing of the country's top lawnrakers...
DES MOINES- A study from the University of Des Moines was conducted recently to learn about the true effects of Ritalin on children and teens. One student by the same of Harry Christiansen hypothesized that Ritalin works only because of the Placebo E...
Knitters around the globe are stunned by a confession from Ethel Bainbridge, winner of the North England Balaclava Knitathon three years running, that she imbibes Earl Grey tea and applies WD40 lubricant to her needles before competing. Both performa...
Gin soaked senile, ex trade unionist claims he felt embarrassed after Choc ice slur man had made the decision despite Gin soaked senile, ex trade unionist telling the media in his pre-match press conference that all of his players would support the c...
KARACHI, Pakistan - Word out of Pakistan is that the Pakistani government has decided to put an end to the very popular traditional Karachi Elephant Races which have been held every weekend since 1968. The mayor of the city known as "The City of E...
London - "I'm damned if I let some Met rookie swab the insides of my, er, gob," Nick Clegg snarled today as the announcement was posted on Speaker Bercow's blogsite. The Deputy PM's protests come amid reports that police armed with new drug testin...
The Transsexual and Gay Alliance are up in arms this afternoon with the news that transsexuals cannot compete as their true gender, and instead will be forced to compete against those who share their birth gender. "This is highly sexist," said Que...
WASHINGTON DC (AP) Late yesterday, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Hooterville) announced stiff new legislation that would enact a national sex tax by "sex testing" all women every week. The Congressman explained that women would be require...
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