Access to Northern England has been cut today while police wait for all the mad people to calm down Only last week, the Council for Northern England announced last week that Cumbria and Northumbria are Britain's favourite locations for going insa...
Northern Ireland - (Conspiracy Theory Mess): Was Cumbria wackjob Derrick Bird one of the original Bloody Sunday shooters investigated by the Saville Inquiry? "We'll probably never know," MoD mandarins muttered inscrutably as reporters besieged Whi...
Birmingham - (Bang! Bang! Theory): Cops fear a Derrick Bird copycat shooter is behind the 1am gun rampage at Birmingham's Custard Factory nightclub. Four revellers were seriously injured when a lone gunman 'dressed as a taxi driver' burst through...
Cumbrian Massacre nutter, Derrick Bird, is still up to his dirty tricks in Heaven. How he manged to gain entry to that exclusive location is still under investigation, but he has gone crazy again with a lightening bolt and tried to kill Casper the...
'Crossbow Cannibal' Stephen Griffiths is so pissed off with the attention-grabbing Cumbrian massacre that he now claims that he in fact killed Derrick Bird and that Bird did not commit suicide. Griffiths, 40, a gay-looking man with a fetish for Ab...
Cumbrian shooter Derrick Bird was on an Israeli assassination hit list, according to a man out walking his dog. When threatened with a large plywood board, the man told us that he heard from his old friend 'Shifty Sam' down at the 'Ol Nags Head Pu...
Following further detailed investigations and snooping, Phoenix Joe can reveal that Birdy's obsession with the TV series Lost went deeper than most people imagined. Original theories suggested that Bird's disenchantment with the controversial end...
Cumbria - (Mad Vlad Putin Mess): Secret papers seen this weekend show the Cumbrian massacre villain was previously an up-and-coming KGB spy. A Special Branch secret op however thwarted his ultimate mission goal of blowing up the UK's top nuclear p...
Following the violent scenes of violence and fatal death in the North of England the Royal Thai Government has issued travel warnings for all Thai Citizens prohibiting travel to the UK and the particularly nasty Lake District. Phoenix Joe was th...
Breaking news seems to indicate that Derrick Bird (the UK's latest in a long line of distinguished mass murderers) was driven to his shooting rampage not by petty annoyances like a family feud or fear of being hounded by the tax man. Your truth...
Windsore - (Bastards Mess): Queen Elizabeth was still in hiding this morning as a DNA test showed deranged Cumbria psychopath Derrick Bird is really her bastard son. Fifty years of spooks' cover-ups, whitewashes and traditional obfuscation have fa...
A secret report into the way details of news stories are 'massaged' to alter the public's perception of events, has fallen into the hands of this reporter - and, by Golly, do they make interesting reading! The report, which focuses on the Beeb Bro...
Cumbria - (MDMA Mess): Detectives were today tracing the 'E'-shaped trail taken by deranged Cumbria cabbie Derrick Bird's path of carnage. Starting with the fatal shooting of twin brother David at High Trees farm in Lamplugh the rampaging killer...
Gunman Derrick Bird, who slaughtered 12 people in a Cumbrian shooting spree was embroiled in a major investigation into an undeclared £60,000 taxi and was facing serious financial difficulties, a friend has said. The friend said today that he did...
Cumbria - (OMG!): Did footage of last weekend's Israeli bloodbath raid on a Gaza aid flotilla trigger Cumbria's own horrendous carnage yesterday? Pals of deranged Whitehaven shooter Derrick Bird said today the 52 year-old cabbie had 'watched with...
London - (Rotters): Prince Charles was reported to be heading to the Lake District this morning to shore up a much needed PR coup. Clarence House sources said today HRH's presence in the Whitehaven area could restore morale and boost public confid...
Whitehaven, Cumbria - (Rioters): "Fare dodgers and stingy tippers, ya?" Prof Einstein Flinstone commented today as news of the Cumbrian cabbie's bloodbath rampage spread across the world. The eminent psychiatrist was airlifted from Yorkshire to le...
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