Cumbrian shooter Derrick Bird was on an Israeli assassination hit list, according to a man out walking his dog. When threatened with a large plywood board, the man told us that he heard from his old friend 'Shifty Sam' down at the 'Ol Nags Head Pu...
A remote part of England has been changed for ever, after being dragged into the 21st century of death and destruction, writes Ayma Salivating-Sickevulture, Atrocity Correspondent. This rural county of Northern Britain, formerly famous for its lak...
London - (Rotters): Prince Charles was reported to be heading to the Lake District this morning to shore up a much needed PR coup. Clarence House sources said today HRH's presence in the Whitehaven area could restore morale and boost public confid...
London - (Killjoys): "Jolly bad form in Whitehaven, eh?" was the gist of a Palace statement this morning as lackeys struggled to spin a fairytale nuptial announcement in the light of Wednesday's Lake District gunshot massacre. Fawning sycophancy i...
Cumbria - (Big Bang Theories): A massive manhunt is under way after 52 year-old Rowrah cabbie Derrick Bird went on a Hungerford-style shooting rampage. The incident has temporarily knocked Bradford Ripper and self-declared 'Crossbow Cannibal' off...
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