Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage. Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hage...
Washington - The mediocre GOP whinger has been relieved of duties for a series of blunders about a Middle Eastern decapitation cult. Chuck 'Hey Girl, Don't Bother Me' Hagel is stepping down as Defense Secretary for not nuking the shit out of Isla...
Washington DC - A fire-worshiping cult behind state religion in the Achaemenid, Parthian, Sasanian and Arachnid empires has seized control of the Pentagon, specifically aircon and life support in the highly classified Restricted Wing. A statement...
In another strong indication of the Obama administration's grasp of what's needed to defend US interests--plus maintaining consistency with Bush administration policies--Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel is fearful of the American public turning towar...
Washington - The Pentagon was considering its position today after lawyers acting on behalf of several hundred expat Poles living close to a former US Air Force base in Greenham Common, UK, rang Chuck Hagel begging for help. Fears of an imminent R...
Washington - "Could it be be a National Rifle Association Second Amendment acquisition?" the President demanded of US Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel in an emergency conference call today as Comet Pan-STARRS became visible in Northern Hemisphere skies.
San Ramon - "You mean as in, er, 'With Concrete?' maybe?" bemused Big Oil sources quipped tonight as Chevron top brass reviewed the scalps Fitzie's notched up fighting organized crime in the last 30 years. This weekend the awesome former US Attor...
Washington AC/DC - "Either our Commander-in-Chief has gone completely doolally," former US Senator from Nebraska Chuck Hagel said today, "or I'm misinterpretatin' the subtlety of his response!" The comments come amid reports that Hagel is in shock...
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