It's not everyday you wake up and you are told you're old. Well OK, maybe it is, but only if you listen, and I'm told that one of the only benefits of growing old is selective hearing. Well, that and standing on street corners and yelling at youngsters about how 'they don't know they're born' and 'pull your trousers up' (in a purely fashion-oriented sense, not in a peadophilic way!) I jus...
A shock government report leaked to journalists suggests that goldfish, mainly the ones kept in glass bowls on old people's sideboards or TV sets, actually do get bored. An exhaustive study has revealed that goldfish kept in cramped spaces, such a...
In the wake of police advice to homeowners to be a bit careful about how they go about protecting their garden sheds, just in case potential thieves or marauding pikeys should injure themselves and subsequently take legal action against the shed owne...
Social services launched a post lunchtime raid on a flat in Bethnal Green yesterday and discovered, to their horror that an evil cat was keeping seventy six pensioners in conditions of intolerable squalour. Initially, the cat refused to answer the...
What began as relatively normal day came within a whisker of turning into a tragedy for the Beekman family of Worcester yesterday. Bert Beekman and his wife Elsie were looking forward to a visit from their three children, their partners, and their...
A government think-tank comprising of esteemed scientists, mathematicians, statisticians and four elderly ladies, yesterday concluded that there is no easy way to approach the almost forgotten art of knitting. "Knitting is an incredibly complex pr...
A British pensioner (English for 'welfare recipient') brought a swift end to a daring jewel heist, when she clobbered a gang of six armed men with her handbag during a jewelry heist. The woman, who refers to herself as "SuperGran" declined to be n...
Ann Timpson the 71 year old wrinkly who many of us saw tackling hammer wielding robbers is not who she appears to be, but rather just one of a crack team of OAP Ninjas (referred to as Pinjers) hired by the Metropolitan Police. Ann Timpson is in fact a multi-millionaire having inherited her wealth from her families shoe empire. She was shipped off to China when she was just 8 years old and there...
Prime Minister David Cameron is to recruit an army of old fogeys and press them into front line service. David Cameron is going to get the oldies working for the Big Society. "From now on no one will be able to collect their pension for free,...
Local man and good samaritan Melvin Wordsmithe narrowly avoided death, or worse, during a recent visit to the local Nursing Home where he and stalwart Therapy Dog, Bear, provide weekly visits to the infirm of mind and body. Melvin had a sense som...
Local Man, and sometimes Spoof Writer, Melvin Wordsmithe, well recovered from his walk about in an attempt to find 'good news' to write about, was shocked today when he found out no one else his age still lives or can laugh about the phenomena. Th...
Bye Bye Youth (Sung to Bye Bye Love) Yet another oldie to tap your toes to, whether you're rockin' to the oldies in your favorite rockin' chair or buzzin' past the nurses in your brand spankin' new mobility scooter. Who better to parody than the Everly Brothers, who are still alive to sing along to this one. Bye bye youth, Bye bye agility, Hello senility, I think I'm a gonna cry-y. By...
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a collaborative report with the Committee of 'I Don't Want to Hear That Shit', the Department of 'That's Fucking Gross' released a report today surveying the sex lives of over 1,000 elderly couples, in which it was discovered th...
An 85year old Seattle area grandmother died of a heart attack Tuesday after receiving an anonymous email of an erect penis. Family members say they bought her the new phone after she accidentally flushed hers down the toilet during a family party.
Attempts by the BBC to prove it is not ageist or sexist when it chooses on-screen presenters is having some dubious results. The broadcaster is urgently putting older faces on screen after it lost the industrial tribunal brought by Miriam O'Reilly...
Chicago, Illinois- A visibly shaken Charles Wilkinson alerted authorities this afternoon to a new and compelling threat to national security, or maybe just to his sanity, as his wife's mother and father, Norman and Myrna Bombenek, have yet to leave...
On the crest of a wave after her apparent victory over the Willy the Wizard team in New York when Judge Shira Scheindlin threw out their case against US publishers Scholastic J.K.Rowling gave a rare impromptu interview to a lone reporter at her Edinburgh mansion. She had assumed wrongly that Hanzoff Miwerk co-editor of one of Holland's leading intellectual mazazines had flown in to ask her quest...
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