In Medical News the Government's new Surgeon General Sir Felchington Throb-Gland has announced that Masturbation is good for you, it is also believed that it could be compulsory by the next general election. In a speech from his Hampstead Heath M...
This year, the World Masturbation Championship will be held in the town of Wacker, Georgia, United States. Previous championships have been held in a rotation in Wanker, England and Beater, Australia. Festivities will include the induction of Paul...
Topeka, Kansas - 16 year-old Jimmy Sullivan never considered himself a murderer. His sexual impulses, he thought, were fairly typical for a boy his age. "My mom says it's all part of growing up." - Judith Prince disagrees. Prince runs the local...
Dear Fr. Francis, I am thirteen-years-old and have been having a problem in school. It's really embarrassing, but since you're a priest and can't tell anybody what I say in confession, I'll tell you what's going on. There's this girl in my class, whose name I won't mention. Anyway, Alice sits behind me in class. She's really pretty, too--tall and slender, with chestnut colored hair and am...
A 19-year-old Scottish woman was charged with felonious assault, Thursday morning, after Glasgow police investigated a neighbor's reports of animal cruelty in the woman's flat. Meagan Regan was booked into the Crown's Pretrial Detention Facility at...
Conservative MP Jack Meoff was found dead in his London flat Sunday, the apparent victim of a "Toss Off," said the Queen's Medical Examiner, Sir Ron Paul VI. "Whether or not Jack Meoff died as a result of excessive masturbation is, at this time, unk...
Occupational masturbation seems to be a developing trend and is likely to be included in the 2012 Olympics as a demonstration event. The government regulatory body, Offtoss, has approved the event format. Health and Safety officials have carrie...
Headline news in The Sun last Saturday revealed to a shocked nation the onanistic exploits of a Virgin Trains driver on the West Coast main line who was caught tossing himself off in his cab. However The Spoof can reveal secret government research wh...
The Pope was taken to hospital with a suspected broken wrist yesterday. A Vatican spokesperson denied that the Holy Father injured himself while having his nightly wank. It is well know in religious circles that the Pope like to 'shake his rosary...
The Health and Safety Executive, together with the World Masturbation Council today called for stricter controls and clearer printed warnings on all string and rope products following the accidental death of Kung Fu actor David Carradine, who popped...
Meeting in London today, the world masturbation council held a minute's silence for actor David Carradine, who is believed to have perished in a masturbatory incident gone wrong, after his body was discovered in a Bangkok hotel wardrobe with a strate...
HOLLYWOOD, CA - American actor Billy Killadeen was found dead in his hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand today according to a report by Thai police. Though his career as an actor began in the mid-60's, Killadeen became popular in the 70's for his wo...
A man, a Savannah man, reeled in horror after arriving home mid afternoon unexpected to discover his Father-In-Law masturbating in front of the Television. To make matters work my wife's Dad attempted to switch channels when he realized he had been...
Every time, yes, every time you practice self-abuse Obama weeps sad tears of pain. It's as painful to him as a crown of thorns. As hurtful as spikes being driven through his wrists or a spear wound to his side. It's as if you are scourging Obama's back with each desperate indulgence. The harm you are doing is beyond sinfulness, and though Obama's tears can douse the flames of hell, it is you w...
Former Friends star Matthew Perry has confirmed that we were right about him all along. He is seeking surgery on a repetitive strain injury. "I've damaged my hand. I've been using it too much. I've been in my bedroom really bashing it. After all t...
Despite wearing a Christian "purity ring" at all times, Jonas Brothers lead guitarist Nick Jonas unabashedly admitted to the news media that he enjoys masturbating as much as most young men. "I've been masturbating since I was 12. I see nothing w...
The University of Trousersnake Creek 's Eye, Nose and Ear Institute has lent scientific validity to the concept that intense sexual activity, such as masturbating 3-4 times a day, can cause blindness - at least temporarily. Dr. Donald Lincoln repo...
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