'O infinite in the depth of darkness, an infinite craving, an infinite capacity of pain and weakness...O God save me - save me from myself...driven up and down for seven dreadful Days by restless Pain, like a Leopard in a Den, yet the anguish and remorse of Mind was worse than the pain of the whole body - O I have a new world opened to me, in the infinity of my own Spirit!' -Samuel Taylor Coler...
Why do I bother to straighten my tail When mother and father linger in jail? Pulling faces when there's no one around, Wasting my time playing the class clown. Oink oink Oink oink Oink oink Why do I bother oinking when I should be asleep, Waking up the neighbour's sheep Writing letters to people who never reply Why? Oink oink Oink oink Oink oink Why do I bother licking my tr...
There's that old homeless man What's he doing around here He drinks far too much at night Then sleeps it off under the pier He's life's been shattered He has nothing of his own He's a lonely, homeless old man Doesn't even own a comb His wife died of cancer And his son was killed in the war He's full of heartache and sorrow now And doesn't want to live anymore He's been begging f...
O WILD WIND, thou breath of Vuvuzelas' being, Thou in whose presence the players Are driven, like sailors to a siren's call, Their flags with stripes and fields of green and white, Black and blue, bloody and hectic red, and tarnished yellow, And insignia of pestilence-stricken multitudes! Oh, thou Who chariotest to their fruitful harvest The teams that laid low throu...
Timothy Spall went out in a squall On his beautiful pea green barge. With plenty of money And taking his 'honey, He's decided he's now in charge. He's had a great life and has a great wife And starred in Aufwiedersehen Pet He's a cancer survivor And he's not a miser He's lots of living to do yet. Tim's a great fella' but goes kinda yella When the waves are above his head He does ge...
Breaking a long standing precedent, The United States Supreme Court has decided to issue the following ruling in the form of a limerick. Historically, this has been done only in Scotland back in the 12th Century, but now that the Court is relying...
Dear all, You know you are getting older when you start fancying the women in the "Healthspan" brochures. They are always attractive older women. But be careful how many supplements you take ................ Rude Health by Rob Barratt Robert needs supplements to keep him alive Ginseng, 1000 milligrams, 180 for £7.95 They come in a new slimline plastic container Which slides into the sm...
A new poem from the pen of the Poet Laureate would be expected to draw comment from posh newspapers and magazines. It is reported that the poem "Achilles" dedicated to Becks, not the beer, the guy with a sore heel is causing shockwaves across Scottis...
Missing Letterland by Rob Barratt I just heard it on the local grapevine That each and every supermarket sign Last night, for no apparent reason Other than it being the silly season Lost its first letter. I don't know why I've got an honest face. Now would I lie? And now each item and member of staff Which begins with that letter (now this really sounds daft) Must drop the beginning o...
The aroma assaults me The heat is intense Choking on chillis To me, makes no sense But here is all life And all life is here The noodles, the men, the women, the beer The vendor surveys me Her stare is intense She throws in more chillis She can't comprehend A farang in her shop? It doesn't make sense But why complain If he's willing to spend? I survey the menu But 'Mai kow ja...
Fixated with parts of the body and can't write for tuppence? Wish you you could even write a limerick correctably? Then here is the template for the perfect poemtry: There once was a tit who was an adolescent fixated git He couldn't even write just an incy wincy ickle bit The Moon rhymed with June The git churned out garbage that his 5-year old sister could better at a shot And they all cri...
The great poet Pushkin sat at his desk. It was late at night and he was busy finishing another epic poem about love and honour. "This will surely win me another award" he thought to himself. Suddenly his wife burst into the room, sobbing. "My darling, what has caused you so much distress?" asked the poet. "It's the guardsman, Dantes. He is telling all Moscow that I have an enormous wart on my b...
Limericks are fun, aren't they, children? And they're easy to write too. There are five lines in a limerick, with the first, second and last lines rhyming with each other, and the third and fourth lines rhyming with each other as well. There's a simple 3, 3, 2, 2, 3 syllable pattern as well. Limericks were a great source of fun in the long-ago days when there were no Playstations, and there was...
We're losing our rights and privileges Our lives swoon in a whirl The guilty sneer unpunished While the victims meekly twirl It wasn't like this so long ago When right and wrong were clear As we held to a code of honor Like life itself, t'was dear Cagney, Bogart and Robinson: Understood what this code was about And if anyone tried to screw with them They'd simply rub'em out. We...
The chewing now is over The 'gnawing at the bone' Sausages burnt to a cinder Tomatoes underdone Bacon far too crispy See the yolks run and run! Rounded off with Heinz baked beans And a well-grilled onion. Transport cafe breakfast In amongst the jasmine breeze An intruder, nay, impostor Is floating through the trees The English are a-frying A meal that's sure to please Traditional e...
Here is another in the series of poems that I wrote whilst either standing at a bus stop, or engaged in a toilet activity. A relatively short poem, this. Despite it's brevity, I think it describes everything that happened in a concise and informative way. And, although it lacks any symbolism or imagery, its sparseness indicates the loss to which I was at to explain the incident fully, and is re...
I love Jesus Budda so much, that it seemed only right and proper to publicise my love for him, and here on the pages of TheSpoof.com seemed like the right and proper place to do it. Well, Jesus, here goes: O Jesus, I have promised to serve Thee to the end; Be Thou forever near me, my Master and my Friend; I shall not fear the battle if Thou art by my side, Nor wander from the pathway if T...
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!
We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.
