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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Sharia Law and Roasted Baboon

Quentin Kelp MP - Sharia Law and Roasted Baboon

Dear Constituents Sorry about the few spelling mistakes in my last Newsletter but I was very upset. I am much better now, thank you, and have received several emails of support during this very difficult time - many of them offering sympathy and advice on how to cope with George's passing. Reverend Jacobs asked that I call in at his church next Sunday for guidance and strength. I sai...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - My Funeral Arrangements

Quentin Kelp MP - My Funeral Arrangements

Dear Constituents I have had a hectic but very depressing few days that has left me questioning my policy towards a certain subject that I normally try not to contemplate - death. I'm sorry to sound morbid first thing on a morning but I need to share some most private thoughts with you so please don't forward this email without my permission. I wouldn't want any old Tom, Dick or Harry thinki...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Smut and Blue Tits

Quentin Kelp MP - Smut and Blue Tits

Dear Constituents That was a hectic weekend. Sorry for the late post but my server was down. There was only one notable weekend success worth reporting and it will do little for my re-election chances, but I photo might appear in the Krupton News. I won the Three Legged Race at Saturday afternoon's Church Fete. Technically, I suppose, it was a partnership of two but the win will clea...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Pigs and other country smells

Quentin Kelp MP - Pigs and other country smells

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic few days. Amongst the best forgotten highlights was a meeting with a civil servant. This meeting was necessary as I am occasionally required to represent the views of Krupton's rural community. Those living in cities might imagine this community to consist of wealthy hereditary farmers with vast acres of woodland and fields and their farm hands livi...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Chicken Curry and Quantitative Easing

Quentin Kelp MP - Chicken Curry and Quantitative Easing

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic week so far, much of it taken up with dealing with constituents very angry about the banks. I have become quite used to this anger over the last year or so but an MP has to be very careful replying to some emails - in one case from a woman unable to pay the mortgage and with bailiffs about to move in. My first nightmare image was of a front pag...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Public Appearances

Quentin Kelp MP - Public Appearances

Dear Constituents I had such a hectic weekend but it was spoiled again by the rain. For those constituents untrained in meteorology I can confirm that the current weather is caused by the jet stream having moved much further south this year. However, I suspect a more obvious link to the Eurozone crisis. As a result, I have asked the Met Office to look into the likelihood of a conspiracy...

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Funny story: Lords Reform expose poor casting to play out Lucas epic

Lords Reform expose poor casting to play out Lucas epic

Throughout the corridors of power it is well known that the Prime Minister idolises the Star Wars antagonist Lord Vader and for some time many backbenchers have feared this obsession would play out in party politics. Fourteen months since getting...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Weekend Report

Quentin Kelp MP - Weekend Report

Dear Constituents I've had such a hectic weekend and it didn't go as I planned. Saturday began with Mrs Kelp demanding that I devote what she called some "overdue quality time" with my family. I made the mistake of replying that weekends are the only time I get for devoting quality time to my constituents. At this point she got rather cross and said that the least I could do would be to spe...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Midweek Update

Quentin Kelp MP - Midweek Update

Dear Constituents I've had such a hectic week and it's only Wednesday. But here's my belated weekend report to all of you, my enthusiastic supporters and Krupton constituents. As expected, the weekend concert of teenage hopefuls hammering on drums and trying to emulate Jimmy Hendrix was a rain sodden mud bath. Fair play to them for sticking it out but who can blame them for deciding enoug...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Friday Newsletter

Quentin Kelp MP - Friday Newsletter

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic week Wednesday was also very embarrassing. It started when I switched on the Blackberry and found an email request for an interview and a photograph of myself. I was surprised to learn that I had attracted the attention of a certain women's publication. So, thinking that no harm could come from a bit of publicity for my opinions on the low numbe...

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Funny story: Sex for Undercover Police, if their cover is a 'blow job'!!

Sex for Undercover Police, if their cover is a 'blow job'!!

Westminster Hall, LONDON: Home Office Minister, Nick Herbert, has importantly announced that Undercover Police, can have sex with suspects, if abstaining would 'blow job' their cover... Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000 (RIPA) allows un...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Post Jubilee Special

Quentin Kelp MP - Post Jubilee Special

Dear Constituents That was a most hectic and long weekend. For those of you who weren't able to make the Jubilee garden fete to hear my opening speech, it went very well although I was glad to be speaking from under the awning of the main marquee. My suit would have got very wet. Unfortunately the thunder and lightning frightened the children away to the ice cream tent so I was forced to r...

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Funny story: Alastair Campbell in Shock Return to Downing Street

Alastair Campbell in Shock Return to Downing Street

Prime Minister David Cameron emerged blinking from his Downing Street bunker today accompanied by a scowling chancellor George Osborne and a smirking Alastair Campbell, Tony Blair's former press secretary. He announced that Mr. Campbell would be res...

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Funny story: Quentin Kelp MP - Weekly Surgery

Quentin Kelp MP - Weekly Surgery

Dear constituents of mine, I have had a most hectic week. It didn't start well. The train up to London was so crowded on Monday morning that I thought I may not even get my usual seat. Fortunately the old lady who I found sitting in my allocated seat recognised me and moved elsewhere. Thank goodness she did. My Blackberry with its new ring tone was already in full flow as I sat down and it...

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Funny story: Sensational Government Plan

Sensational Government Plan

The Government, feeling bruised by the two finger salute from those members of the electorate wanting to vote at all, have devised a plan which is widely regarded by the inner circle as a winner. The three pronged revival plan has three prongs:...

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Funny story: Well-spoken grandmother in multi-million pound hat makes speech about cutting back

Well-spoken grandmother in multi-million pound hat makes speech about cutting back

A well-spoken and well-preserved grandmother, Mrs Elizabeth Windsor, made a speech earlier this week in which she suggested that her colleagues, or, as she prefers to call them, "subjects" should cut back on the excesses of modern living and save for...

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Funny story: New Contracts Shock

New Contracts Shock

Contracts are being brought up to date by Government and Business magnets in the UK following the leads of Rupert Murdoch and Jeremy Hunt. We understand, from sources close to Power, that the following paragraph is to be included in all contracts...

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