The NRA today released its new translation of the New Testament, based heavily on the King James Version. Said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre of the new translation: "We believe this new version of the New Testament will more accurately reflect the Second Amendment principles the United States and the nation of Israel were founded upon." What follows is an excerpt from the new translation, called,...
An archeological dig in Galilee has uncovered transcripts of songs supposedly written by a young Jesus Christ in the year 22 AD. The transcripts were written in Aramaic, the language of Christ. The songs evidently deal with Christ's concerns that fut...
Today France's Grand Rabbi Gilles Bernheim resigned because he was caught plagiarizing other authors in his book "Forty Jewish Meditations' and adding ficticious plaudits to his CV. His first comment was "I hope that this doesn't hinder Anthony Weine...
Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Brazilian Doctor Virginia de Souza has now been charged with 7 counts of aggravated first degree murder and could be looking at 1,700 counts. Until her arrest Dr. Virginia de Souza worked as a doctor at the Evangelica...
The long awaited Second Coming of Jesus Christ has been canceled. Jesus Himself has ordered this. Coming down incognito to plan for his much anticipated descension to the same world that had rejected him so many millenia ago, He scoped out the scene to ascertain how He would pull it off. He wasn't happy with what he found. Interviewed on one of the many talk shows that populate the mor...
Real life stories of revelations and resurrections will soon be making their way to your smart phone (smarter than you!) or desktop computer. Jesus Christ or as he is more commonly known, J-Sizzle, has joined the social media revolution. It is a...
LOS ANGELES, California (ABSNN) - Comedian Jamie Foxx joined a long line of African-Americans who have deified leaders of color, like Harriet Tubman and Martin Luther King Jr., when he told the audience at the Soul Train Music Awards "It's almost lik...
VATICAN CITY (ABSNN) - It is a fake, the papyrus fragment that claims Jesus was married, that is. According to today's issue of the Vatican's newspaper, L'Observatore Romano, "Substantial reasons would lead one to conclude that the papyrus is inde...
The recent discovery of a papyrus fragment suggesting that Jesus had a wife has caused a stir in academic and religious circles. While some might be pleased to learn about a more human side of the Messiah, others feel that the evidence is a forgery w...
Yale Professor of Ancient Religions, Salvatore Crocifisso, disputes the translation of the newly-discovered Coptic text claiming that Jesus had a wife. The professor made his announcement yesterday at the Yale University's Student Union and Car Wash...
It has been confirmed by a scribble on a 4th century (400 years after Jesus roamed the planet!) piece of tattered papyrus that Jesus really had a wife. Now this strange piece of tattered papyrus could have been written by anybody, but it wasn't ac...
An ancient fragment of papyrus has been discovered and it makes a thinly veiled reference to Jesus having a wife. It also says several things about Transformers building the Pyramids but that's apparently not as important as the Jesus thing. The s...
BUMFUCK EGYPT (ABSNN) - The second highest ranking leader of the radical Islamic fundamentalist sect Al Qaeda has announced that he will personally fund the making of a new motion picture, "Jesus the Pussy Whupped". "Our budget is unlimited. This...
HARVARD UNIVERSITY (ABSNN)- Dr. Karen L. King, a Harvard Divinity School professor, has discovered a scrap of parchment written by the wife of Jesus Christ. The announcement of the discovery was made at an international conference of Coptic schola...
The angry riots throughout North Africa and the Middle East over an anti-Islamic movie have sparked intense discussion about American foreign policy and the limits of freedom of speech and religion. While the violent reactions of some extremist group...
In times past it would be called a sexual deviance, but today many people are worried that it will be yet another that gets labeled an "orientation". Heterosexual, homosexual, pansexual, metrosexual, and now autosexual? The sexual attraction to ones...
In a surprise appearance last week, a man claiming to be Jesus revealed that the much anticipated 'zombie apocalypse' of 2012 is actually a mis-communication of the intended 'Second Coming'. Jesus explained that they (the Holy Trinity) realised that if the Son of God were to turn up looking 'normal', He might not be taken seriously and most likely ignored (or sectioned if the NHS could be bothe...
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