An Ode to Eastern Equine Encephalitis on the Occasion of a Major Epidemic that has Acquired a Pathogenicity that Imperils Mankind Across the Globe and May Destroy Civilization as It Is Known to Us
Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellent and Gracious Majesty as He Lies Dying from an Incurabl...
Bad Poetry Corner
Twas 2090 and on Mark's deaf bed
Not a brain cell was stirring
His Blackberry was dead;
All the stock in the Spoof was at a $.99
Per share, with no Bad Poetry Corner
The readers didn't care
When up on the roof there arose such a Clatter
Mark sprung from his bed of nails to see
what was the matter
THen what to his dottering eyes should appear but
I love you, mammy, sweet and true,
When I wet my shorts you clean my poo.
So I sing this little happy song
My Mammy and me we just clap along.
I love you, mammy, so very much,
For you kiss my forehead with a piggy's touch.
When I go to school you make sandwiches,
And sew my torn trousers with fine stitches..
I love you, mammy, short and sweet,
You tuck me in at night and rub my...
Emails, text messages, folders and files,
They just organise your life in measure of toils,
But a pig in the muck lives happy and free
Grunting in poo-poo is more fun, you'll agree.
Timetables, wall charts, meetings and strategies
I'd much rather slop about up to my knees,
So why bother with late nights and all of that stress,
When you could be a piglet and wallow in mess.
'O infinite in the depth of darkness, an infinite craving, an infinite capacity of pain and weakness...O God save me - save me from myself...driven up and down for seven dreadful Days by restless Pain, like a Leopard in a Den, yet the anguish and remorse of Mind was worse than the pain of the whole body - O I have a new world opened to me, in the infinity of my own Spirit!'
-Samuel Taylor Coler...
Why do I bother to straighten my tail
When mother and father linger in jail?
Pulling faces when there's no one around,
Wasting my time playing the class clown.
Why do I bother oinking when I should be asleep,
Waking up the neighbour's sheep
Writing letters to people who never reply
Why do I bother licking my tr...
There's that old homeless man
What's he doing around here
He drinks far too much at night
Then sleeps it off under the pier
He's life's been shattered
He has nothing of his own
He's a lonely, homeless old man
Doesn't even own a comb
His wife died of cancer
And his son was killed in the war
He's full of heartache and sorrow now
And doesn't want to live anymore
He's been begging f...
O WILD WIND, thou breath of Vuvuzelas' being,
Thou in whose presence the players
Are driven, like sailors to a siren's call,
Their flags with stripes and fields of green and white,
Black and blue, bloody and hectic red, and tarnished yellow,
And insignia of pestilence-stricken multitudes! Oh, thou
Who chariotest to their fruitful harvest
The teams that laid low throu...
Timothy Spall went out in a squall
On his beautiful pea green barge.
With plenty of money
And taking his 'honey,
He's decided he's now in charge.
He's had a great life and has a great wife
And starred in Aufwiedersehen Pet
He's a cancer survivor
And he's not a miser
He's lots of living to do yet.
Tim's a great fella' but goes kinda yella
When the waves are above his head
He does ge...
Breaking a long standing precedent, The United States Supreme Court has decided to issue the following ruling in the form of a limerick.
Historically, this has been done only in Scotland back in the 12th Century, but now that the Court is relying...
You know you are getting older when you start fancying the women in the "Healthspan" brochures. They are always attractive older women. But be careful how many supplements you take ................
Rude Health by Rob Barratt
Robert needs supplements to keep him alive
Ginseng, 1000 milligrams, 180 for £7.95
They come in a new slimline plastic container
Which slides into the sm...
A new poem from the pen of the Poet Laureate would be expected to draw comment from posh newspapers and magazines. It is reported that the poem "Achilles" dedicated to Becks, not the beer, the guy with a sore heel is causing shockwaves across Scottis...
Missing Letterland by Rob Barratt
I just heard it on the local grapevine
That each and every supermarket sign
Last night, for no apparent reason
Other than it being the silly season
Lost its first letter. I don't know why
I've got an honest face. Now would I lie?
And now each item and member of staff
Which begins with that letter (now this really sounds daft)
Must drop the beginning o...
The aroma assaults me
The heat is intense
Choking on chillis
To me, makes no sense
But here is all life
And all life is here
The noodles, the men, the women, the beer
The vendor surveys me
Her stare is intense
She throws in more chillis
She can't comprehend
A farang in her shop?
It doesn't make sense
But why complain
If he's willing to spend?
I survey the menu
But 'Mai kow ja...
Fixated with parts of the body and can't write for tuppence? Wish you you could even write a limerick correctably? Then here is the template for the perfect poemtry:
There once was a tit who was an adolescent fixated git
He couldn't even write just an incy wincy ickle bit
The Moon rhymed with June
The git churned out garbage that his 5-year old sister could better at a shot
And they all cri...
The great poet Pushkin sat at his desk. It was late at night and he was busy finishing another epic poem about love and honour. "This will surely win me another award" he thought to himself. Suddenly his wife burst into the room, sobbing.
"My darling, what has caused you so much distress?" asked the poet. "It's the guardsman, Dantes. He is telling all Moscow that I have an enormous wart on my b...
Limericks are fun, aren't they, children? And they're easy to write too. There are five lines in a limerick, with the first, second and last lines rhyming with each other, and the third and fourth lines rhyming with each other as well. There's a simple 3, 3, 2, 2, 3 syllable pattern as well.
Limericks were a great source of fun in the long-ago days when there were no Playstations, and there was...
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