"This has us stumped," said a spokesangel in Paradise. "I mean, do we give them each seventy-two virgins? Do we make them share the same seventy-two? In the latter case, should there be thirty-six male virgins and thirty-six female?" "Or, do w...
NRA spokesmilf Sierra Paylin caught the first available flight to San Bernardino (She even spelled it right!) to address the press with regards to an issue that has been bugging the NRA for years: "How is it possible for any deranged nut in this c...
Dear diary, *sigh I have been working for five years on the International Anti-Terrorism Forensic Task Force and after examining the Paris attacks I have yet again come to the conclusion that it was the governments that were behind this. It's always the freakin' governments! Boston - government! Charlie Hebdo - government! Australia - government! And my superiors (obviously) don...
PARIS - In response to the atrocities which unfolded in Paris this weekend, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) have deployed UN sanctioned engineers to Oswiecim, Poland, to conduct analysis on the functional...
Last time, just for a change, President Obama Sanders-meandered around for a bit, and made very heavy weather of expressing his policy intentions. But at least he got around to admitting that the world is not just shades of grey, and that there is such a thing as objective good and evil, right? Either way, (or "both and neither," if you're a certain notable Swiftboat celebrity), here's the...
President Obama has conclusively refuted all the unpatriotic pinkos who hate America so much, they want to maliciously and opportunistically hinder his drone campaign… Which latter, as we all know and agree, exists purely in order for your safety alone. Read it with an open mind. Well, I mean, c'mon; at least he's not a neocon, right? ;) Now let me say this. Well, why not? I...
French President Francois Hollande today thanked three U.S. citizens for their brave intervention on a packed Subway train after their actions thwarted a heavily armed terrorist and undoubtedly saved dozens of innocent lives. Mr Hollande wasted no...
In the small hours, the battle cries of two stray large tomcats made sleep for the inhabitants really impossible. The cries were not regular meows; they were accompanied by accentuated words and expressions very similar to man's everyday conversation and, consequently, interpretable. Whether the fight was territorial dispute or sexual claims, could not be determined. Since the fighting had beco...
Following a spate of vicious attacks on innocent members of the public by Seagullist extremists, our Prime Minister announced he plans to tackle this growing problem. Speaking in Birmingham earlier today, and wearing a protective shower cap, David...
With nothing left to lose, a rag-tag team of Middle Eastern Terrorists hijacked Rupert Murdoch's Lear Jet, beheaded the pilot, and took the tabloid mogul hostage - according to an NSA official who planned the mission. Speaking on the condition of ano...
Top officials at the United States Department of Homeland Security have declared a national state of emergency due to the hijacking of Air Force One, the presidential airliner. In a brazen act of terror the Boeing VC-25 was commandeered by the rad...
In the global War Against Terrorism, there are one group of combatants that refuse to give in to the Islamic Extremists who threaten to destroy their way of life: The British Holiday Maker. With the latest tragedy in Tunisia, where 18 British sun...
Top pentagon officials were quick to react in the wake of President Obama's recent proclamation to graduates of a military academy that "climate change" is a top "threat to "global security" and that military leaders who don't take appropriate action...
Beaverview, Washington -- Al Qaeda is turning the wholesome apple into a Weapon of Mass Destruction. Using the ice machine from a hijacked Malaysian airliner and a hotwired PlayStation, the terror group has created a generically modified apple th...
Top terrorist chart-toppers, so-called Islamic State (ISIS) have been skipping the light fandango and turning cartwheels across the floor at the news that 1960s prog rock band Procol Harum has pledged allegiance to them. In England the news has be...
A member of the charity organisation CAGE by the name of Asim Qureshi has come to the defence of Satan and described him as a "beautiful and polite human being who we would be lucky to call a friend". The statement was issued by Mr Qureshi, shor...
London - Accomplished London Borough of Tooting crack dealer Ham Id El-Weedi has been identified as serial beheader Jihadi John. Described by notorious gangland mobsters the Kray Twins as 'mild mannered and kittenish' in comparison to Mrs Thatcher...
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