In what may be the most thoughtful gesture of their 3-year relationship, Jake Harrington plans to leave his girlfriend Mary Rockmore a half-eaten bologna sandwich. Harrington said the thoughtful act, which occurs after the two had a long argumen...
CHICAGO, IL--Copy editor Preston Parks sat next to his soulmate Amy Gammel on a short subway ride Monday, but declined to strike up a conversation with the woman who is his absolute emotional, mental, and physical match. Although the two had appro...
Jake Stephens, upon the success of the Crazam app he debuted last fall, has moved out of his parent's basement and into his girlfriend's apartment and developed his new app called Kindred Spirit. The Kindred Spirit is different than the Crazam ap...
Lady Gaga has cancelled her Indonesian gig not because of security reasons; the reason given by her press office. She is sick, love sick, and her new lover cannot be named because of security reasons! Ever since she fell in love, she has been sick...
A study has revealed that men who wear hats make more sensitive, caring lovers. The study, compiled by Maureen Svetlenska, owner and operator of Just Hats, the world's largest hat supplier, issued her findings last week. The hat mogul found tha...
A two year-long study completed by Cornell University's 'Bettelheim Group for SUPER-SUPER Loving Relationships' will appear in the March issue of 'The Journal of Love Me, Love You, Too,' the World's iconic medium for current research into why men and women and gays either relate or don't give a flying fart about one another. The Journal is published in 17 languages and even appears on newstands in...
The world's happiest couple, Derek and Doreen Plimpton, of Port Isaac, Cornwall, currently basking in the glow of a 60 year long period of marital bliss, today revealed the secret behind their happy union. "I do as I'm told," Derek told reporters.
Our world is full of triviality and absurdity; some are ignorable; some, disturbing. In certain parts of the world, cheap impostors normally attach themselves to various authorities, dead or alive. One simple scheme is quoting. Episode 1 here is a harmless quoting, but the second episodes are somehow disturbing. Episode I: My old grandma was naturally spiritual. Since we had no clock around the...
Nobody knows heartbreak like Mac Buck, editor of App World! At least, as far as he is concerned, nobody has. "My heart has been broken so often," said Buck, "that it has come to resemble a second hand jigsaw puzzle: a million pieces - not all from...
Dating is a slipper slope in the best of circumstances but add a little adversity to the situation and it could seem almost impossible to find a suitable mate. Well a woman with a malady that could be considered a little adversity has found the pe...
Morton Bendlebag, finished combing his hair, put the toupe on his shinning bald head, and made for the front door. It was the only way out of his semi detached in Penge, some bastard had super glued the back door lock. At the bus stop, Morton waited patiently for the number 55 bus, that would transport him to the Benghazi Community centre, Eagle terrace, Harlesden. Emmarold Partinfok, slippe...
Their eyes met across the busy dancefloor. Unlikely though it was, both of their glass eyes had fallen out at the same time, rolled across the ground - avoiding dozens of dancing feet - and bumped into each other. Theobald and Griselda approached each other, put their eyes back in and began an awkward conversation. He didn't normally enjoy yakking. He had caught a large one the previous year bu...
The following notes are taken from case study number 37, vis-a-vis Wendy Box, who has been admitted to ward 15 following over half a century of infatuation with the late American singer Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley first came to the attention of Wendy Box in 1956 when he released the song Heartbreak Hotel. The young Miss Box, then a 14 year old schoolgirl, would pass her free time in the Red Ca...
I was getting ready to watch the World Series and I was enduring the atrocious warbling of an off-key canary when I thought back to some yellowed papers I'd purchased at a garage sale. It was the diary of a man named George Wemby, who was a childhood friend of Francis Scott Key. That diary contains the true meaning of the lyrics Key wrote. (This has been confirmed by researchers from Harvard, whom...
The Eternal Nature Of Surprise: A Poem Of Love, Lust And Shock By Desmond Bachaus You stopped. Deeply, longingly, you looked in to my soul. Like the stars in the cool blanket of night, I watched the water sparkle and dance in your eyes. You said I was the one. You told me that you had never felt this way before. I too, had never felt like this. You took my hand. Clasping my fingers in...
LOS ANGELES - Jim Carrey sat in front of his computer and professed his attraction, admiration, and desire for the star of the motion picture The Help, Emma Stone. Carrey, who at 49, is 27 years older than 22-year-old Stone told her that he has se...
Another song, I hear you yell? So soon? Why yes dear reader! According to my friend they're just poems. I disagree. They're just words written in verse and rhyme. Hopefully, some guy from a major label will see this and employ me, so until them these are poems. Or songs without music. They're something. This song is about heartbreak. To be fair, I haven't actually experienced it, but I've wa...
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