Bogota - (AssoCIAted Mess): Russian Secret Service cocaine smugglers scuttled yet another of their Bloodyvostock-engineered Barrakuda-class submarines off Colombia's Pacific coast today blaming uneven freight distribution that caused the...
English Channel - (Bad Ass mess): A Colombian container vessel carrying 40,000 tonnes of cocaine has hit a sandbank in the Dover Strait near the English Channel.
What happened to our role-models and heroes? Olympic champion sprinter Marion Jones shamefully admits to steroid use; Tennis star Martina Hingis retires from professional play after testing positive for cocaine; NFL football superstar Michael Vick is embroiled in a dog-fighting scandal; F1 racing teams are accused of stealing information from rivals; World chess champion Deep Blue is arraigned...
One of the largest drugs cartels in Colombia is to float itself on the New York Stock Exchange in an attempt to raise funds for an expansion.
Plettenberg, South Africa - (Pretoria Prattler): UK Royal Navy patrols have seized yet another Russian submarine carrying a vast cargo of cocaine following reports of a foreign submersible "acting erratically" before going belly-up in the b...
After a damming report, by boffins at Southampton University, which stated that a mixture of commonly used food colourings could cause hyperactivity in children, drug users have cleared supermarket shelves of all leading confectionery products.
Mexico - (Ass Mess): NATO vessels have stepped up surveillance operations on Russian submarines following this week's seizure of five tons of cocaine aboard a Bloodyvostock-registered sub that ran aground off Guatemalan waters following Hurricane...
Mexico City - (Ass Mess): The latest victim of Hurricane Dean appears to be a Russian Navy sub carrying five tons of cocaine which became beached off the Guatemalan coast after violent tidal activity forced it off course.
Paralytic Pictures announced today that they will be producing a remake of their classic picture, Lost Weekend.
Today Lindsay Lohan managed to make a bigger fool of herself than most people thought possible. She has been caught driving intoxicated (again) and possessed several bags of powdered substance thought to be crack cocaine.
Lindsay Lohan, stopped for a D.W.I. and for chasing another car, denied that the baggie of cocaine found in her pants pocket belonged to her. "The coke wasn't mine," said a tearful starlet to investigating officers. "I'm not...
Washington D.C. - After years of speculation by the media, the White House finally acknowledged today that George Bush is indeed high on crack cocaine. Until today, the oft asked question, "Is Bush on crack?" was met with scoffing denials o...
GRANDMOTHER of five, Dorothea Wilberton, has sparked a legal controversy after a judge directed a jury to acquit the 76-year-old of drugs charges after accepting her argument that crack cocaine was 'like a tonic' to her.
A worker at a Subway restaurant in Dunedin New Zealand has been sacked for sharing her complimentary diet Coke with a friend, sparking worldwide travel chaos as underground train systems immediately went on strike and have refused to return to work...
Story from ENN (Exasperated News Network) - Today President Bush asked the Drug Czar to issue a statement to all schools following the shootings at Virginia Tech. President Bush urges all students to say "No" to marijuana and "Yes&quo...
Keith Richards said today in an interview that his relationship with his father has been "smokin'" for the past few years. Considering that his father passed away and was cremated in 2004, authorities decided to find out exactly what w...
Diego Maradona, hero of Argentine football, is dead... or is he? According to an Argentine Radio Station, he died in a car crash which also killed his Nephew.
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