NEW YORK (Stoned Monk Press) - A Nevada bus-station shuttle-bus driver was arrested under feral terrorism laws with plotting to set off stink bombs in the station and accused of acquiring the same stink-bomb making materials used in most high schools...
Washington DC - President Obomba released details of his "killer" health pogrom today to a jeering crowd. The noise level was so high, only the written press release can be used as an information source. So says the release: The new health pogrom...
Washington DC - President Obomba has declared September 11 to be National Aspartame Experimentation Day. In his prepared remarks, released to the press, he stated: "People, we need to balance the budget and cut the population of idiots way down i...
DENVER, Colo - The flying saucer that landed 1.5 miles East of Parker Road and 1/4 mile South of Arapaho Road in Arapaho county, Colorado last night produced a spokesman from a star 100 light years from Earth. He introduced himself as Mr. Gourmand...
Paris, FRANCE - Beaubidet, maker of French bidet products, was seen stocking shelves with a new product featuring a compartment to add "freshener" powders. Much like a washing machine that has a compartment for soap powder, the new bidet comes with...
Les Oinka, VA - UPDATE 1 - Rash Dimbrow was spotted leaving an army hospital at the Les Oinka military base today. He stated to this reporter that he had volunteered for a swine flu study. Each time he spoke he removed and replaced a large red appl...
NEW YORK, NY - The minister of UN Special Population Progroms, Dr. Trangesieh Eathdieh, announced today that all foods not containing a minimum required dosage of the drug aspartame will be heavily taxed. The population control measure is thought ne...
NEW YORK, N.Y. - Detective Urdtien Atereien reports that NY cops arrested a crap load of more than 100 sewer children today. The kids are from 13 to 20 years old. They turned up when cops investigated reports of children biting the butts of peopl...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Look out little blue packets. Look out little pink packets. Look out little yellow packets; and look out little white packets, and little brown packets of sugar! My source, the restaurant secret shopper, Ms. Angela J. Tidbit...
BOISE, Idaho - UPDATE-1 The US Congress has included the "Idaho Provision" in the new bill to cut down on medical expenses, since a lethal dose of aspartame turns out to be the cheapest way to kill an old person - legally. Dr. Strangedeath made a...
DENVER, Colo - Mr. Onkeywoodsmien of the Larimer Good Bank of Treats (LGBT) here is asking patrons of the homeless to stop donating boxes full of aspartame. "These people are hungry, and they will eat what ever you dangle in front of them. And th...
CHANDLER, AZ - Pancake serving restaurants in this town are seeing an interesting phenomenon, according to waitress Othien Antspien of the IllagePien Nnien here. Othien reports that customers are bringing their own syrup and asking if it is alright t...
NIGERIA- At an undisclosed lab deep in the jungle a horror has been unleashed. Dr. Braindeath, our reliable, but discreet source at the lab, let us know that a bacteria, similar to the one producing the precursors of aspartame, has been created that...
WASHINGTON D.C. - UPDATE1 Man arrested for killing his tot daughter with aspartame! Recent Supreme Court case cited. Criminals can no longer hide behind government approval! Scientists announced to a crowded room of reporters today that aspartame...
WASHINGTON D.C. - Scientists announced to a crowded room of reporters today that aspartame has been approved as a postnatal abortion agent, for subjects up to 24 months postpartum. The suggested dose is 25 grams (0.881849 oz) (the LDLo) repeated...
GENVEVA, Switzerland - The key to empire tomorrow is aspartame today. Our secret source inside Bilderberg Group has released a fragment of a speech delivered in the innermost sanctum of that group, high in the Alps, last night. "We will conquer b...
DENVER, Colo. - Scientists at Peak Medical School today announced the successful clinical trial of heroine as an antidote to aspartame. In 200 out of 200 cases, heroine ended the sufferings of aspartame symptom plagued test subjects. Subjects wer...
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