Sir, Television these days isn't as good as it used to be. When I was on top of my game, TV was full of gritty realism. The women wore hairnets, or headscarves, brooked no nonsense, and spoke as they found. The blokes all smoked fags and had 'proper' jobs, apart from Stan, the window cleaner, who were a lazy get. There were none of these dolly birds with fit legs in short skirts with cleavage a...
Dear Mildred, Your column last week entitled Obituaries was a tad too long for my tastes. In fact, a couple of us were discussing it and it seemed as if it took up a good half of the newsletter. In the future, we'd appreciate it if you could keep the obituaries down to one or two. Also, it seemed a bit depressing. Perhaps you could throw in a joke or two to lighten the mood in the next issue.
Sir, I was a rich TV star way back in the 1960's, and let me tell you, it weren't all that diff'rent to what them folks go through today. Why, even back then, I done had me a stalker. Her name wus Miz Hathaway, and she worked to the bank. And she was as pug ugly as a bloodhound with a spinnin' cactus plant stuck up his ass. Mostly had fun doin' it - but Ellie May would not gosh durn it put out.
Sir Whatever happened to reflective shop windows? I used to have oodles of fun with them. I'd sort of position myself in a certain way, and then stretch out an arm and a leg, and the semi-reflection made it look as if I was a star shaped, levitating human person. Or something. You don't see them any more. Shame about that. It was really funny. Harry Worth, Wembley. Sir I for one don't...
Sir Just to say that I quite like fish fingers. Not the cheap ones with the grey stuff inside. I'm talking about the proper ones with chunks of cod fillet inside. Those ones are lovely, especially with a plate of chips and some nice garden peas. A lovely teatime treat which goes nice with a splash of ketchup. C Birdseye, Lowestoft. Sir My dad keeps tropical fish in a big tank. It has a...
Sir I used to quite enjoy browsing your website, and reading salacious tales about vaginas, vuvuzelas, and Victory-V lozenges. However, I feel that I must complain about some of the site's current advertisers. The ones with all the little brain teasers. I come here to laugh at the rude stories, not sit a mock GCSE Maths exam. I mean, if I qualified for MENSA membership, I'd hardly be reading Sp...
Sir, I went out to the pub earlier, and when I left the flat, I could have sworn there was a pot noodle in the cupboard. Now it's gone. I dunno what happened to it. I got fish and chips on the way home, and had just started tucking in at the bus stop when I dropped the bloody lot on the ground due to unsteadiness. Waste of a fiver that was. Thing is, the bus came so I didn't have time to get an...
Sir, I'd like to complain about the degree of anti-Scottish bias on show in your internet tabloid rag. Scotland is real. It exists, and as we never tire of telling you sassenach bastards; we've got the oil, we gave you television, we gave you the telephone, we gave you tarmac, not to mention Doctor Finlay's Casebook and Andy Stewart's White Heather Club Hogmanay Party Show, Gordon Brown, Dennis...
Dear Sir, I always enjoy your magazine. It comes to me rolled-up into a cylinder. It is such a joy when the postman thrusts it through my letterbox flaps every Friday morning. He's a wiry little fellow, my postman. His name is Iago. Really. I know what you're thinking. He's Welsh. His family were gravel-farmers. I'm all a-quiver, from early every Friday, waiting for Iago to thrust your magazine t...
Sir I am being very very confused. I am writing for satirical website similar to your wife. Then I am being turned feet over head with many stories about Miley Cyrus being vagina, up her skirt, and with large penis. I am not understanding why I am no longer top of our chart with my amusing cricket stories. Who is Rod Patterson and what do vampires do? I feel it is only fair that we complete on...
Sir I've just been watching Cheryl Cole singing 'live' on the telly at a summer gig. What a rip off. She only did the talking bits and even then the backing singers were the real stars. Truth is, she can't sing for shit. I have also heard that she intends to keep the 'Cole' name, despite impending divorce proceedings from Ashley. So where does that leave Ashley if in future he wants to marry a...
Sir A word to the wise to any potential caravan buyers out there. I got duped into buying a caravan against my better judgement. I've been paying a bank loan on the bloody thing for five years, but because of a clause in the contract, I couldn't sell it. So I stopped paying. The bank advised me that if I continued to stop paying, they'd repossess the caravan, and I'd also owe them three grand t...
Sir, I think it's a damned disgrace that Jacob Zuma was allowed to address the world at the World Cup opening ceremony. Okay, he's the President of South Africa, but any bloke who tells his fellow countrymen that washing your cock in the sink and wiping it dry on the curtains, after sex, somehow prevents aids, is in my opinion a complete fucking head job nutter. Not good. W Mandela, Soweto...
Sir I don't usually bother writing to anybody. But I just found a pen outside the bookies, and it seemed a shame to waste the opportunity. L Piggot, Goodwood. Sir On these cookery programmes, what's all this stuff and nonsense about Rocket salad? They called it fucking dandelions when I was a kid. Rabbit food. Usually covered in diesel oil residue and dog piss. Somebody please tell Gor...
Dear Editor: I just wanted ta let ya know dat I read The Spoof at me breakfast table ev'ry single mornin'. I really, really like it and I truly duzz enjoy seeing me name in da various articles I does. And just ta show ya me appreciation, on Thursday, I am 'avin' a tattoo wiff "The Spoof" tattooed on me left one. I will be sending ya a photo when I gets me the tattoo in place. Amy Winehouse Soh...
Sir Times are hard, you're afraid to pay the fee I would like to ask someone in the damned ConDemned coalition why am I paying to fly the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Business Class to the Far East? Did he not say, only days ago that it would be Economy or Second Class only? What are we supposed to believe from these gangsters? Perhaps the demise of Mr Laws frees Mr Osborne from their...
Dear Sir, Do any readers or perhaps your resident staff know how I can be rid of a particular kind of vermin? I am talking about bandicoots. These are a kid of Australian rat. I'm not sure if they are marsupials like wallabies etc, though I have seen no evidence of pouches etc. The problem is, where I live, in East Anglia, we have our exposed gardens and we have lots of old windmills, and a...
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