The "message" printed below was leaked to JSwift News Service. It was faxed and e-mailed as an attachment to mainline protestant ministers throughout the United States and Canada. The minister who wrote it, Cotton Mather, intended it to be confidential. If you read between the lines its text is quite shocking. It is re-printed here word for word: A MESSAGE TO MY FELLOW CLERGY FROM HOLY G...
"I wish I was in Dixie." - Epitaph on Nicole Brown Simpson's headstone Dixie or Dixieland (not to be mistaken for Disneyland) is an imaginary country celebrated in a number of popular songs and, as such, takes its place not so much among the nations of the earth as it does among other nations of the mind, in a mental atlas alongside Narnia, Middle Earth, Oz, La La Land, Never Never Land, and...
A leading bookkeeper has drawn up a book on the possibilities surrounding the disgraced Italian Prime Minister and Bunga Bunga media tycoon Silvio Berlusconi's jail sentence for corrupting minors. I spoke with CEO Jimmy Alyercash. He explained as follows: "1/3 is very good odds that Berlusconi will be acquitted on an appeal. The whole trial looks to us to have been a fix-up so that he would...
In a rare act of political unity from the land that brought the world Caligula, Benito Mussolini, and the single most influential cultural factor behind "Jersey Shore", the government of Italy has reaffirmed its stance that all whores in attendance a...
WHITEWASHINGton, DC - Arch-feminist and champion of women's lib, Hillary Clinton allegedly operated as a madame during her tenure as Secretary of State, operating a house of ill repute for high-ranking members of the president's cabinet. "It is uncer...
Long Island - "Luckily nobody resident in Lily Pond Lane is on the solicitation roll call of shame," an East Hampton pool man commented, "but come August when the Clintons are vacationing here again, maybe the DA will get lucky a second time round."...
NEW YORK CITY - Reports are that there is nothing that Mayor Mike "The Big Gulp" Bloomberg enjoys more than making mayoral directives and passing city ordinances, bills, and laws. The mayor of The Big Apple is still not a happy camper about the fa...
With the economy in the state that it is in, the rising cost of weddings has become something that many men are deciding against tying the knot. "It costs several thousand quid," said Harry Balls, a mathematics lecturer from Sheffield University,...
ATLANTA, Georgia (ABSNN) - The ever smiling Mike Rowe, host of the Discovery Channel's long-running "Dirty Jobs" announced the show would not continue after this year. However, Rowe is not out of a job at the Discovery Channel; he will host a new sh...
MOON LIGHT BUNNY RANCH, Nevada (ABSNN) - Dennis Hof, owner of a legal, Nevada brothel, told reporters today that Tiger Woods' porn-star mistress Number 8, Joslyn James, would work "for one week only," at his thriving Moon Light Bunny Ranch. Ms. Jame...
KENNEBUNK, Maine (ABSNN) - 129,277 men in this tony seaside town (all apparently Democrats) on the Maine coast have been named as "Johns" in the Zumba Prostitution scandal. Their names, but no other identifying data, were released by order of the ju...
KENNEBUNK, MAINE (ABSNN) - "They were doing more than Zumba out of that 'dance studio,' let me tell ya," said Kennebunk Police Chief George H. W. P. Bush. "They was selling nookie," the chief told reporters. Police raided Purda Vida Fitness Cen...
I had to work all day today and, aside from making some money that my spawn will end up spending, nothing good came of it, all that work I mean. Does this happen to anybody else or am I alone in thinking that the people making money off of me owe me a little bit more than money? It would be a welcome change if the woman who is my boss would give me a blow job along with my pay check. Sh...
Anybody who tries to tell me there is one, an all-powerful, caring God who rewards human beings for their good works and punishes human beings for evil is full of shit. I can prove it; any seven-year-old in a catechism class can prove it too: God cannot be all-powerful because God cannot create a rock so heavy God cannot pick it up. So, fuck you; let it go. Yes, I know, you believe the rewa...
Ukrainian prostitutes have been pretty busy during the Euro 2012, but now they have decided to strike until it is all over. The reason why they are striking is because footy fans visiting the local bordellos in the Ukraine are too busy watching the g...
The Home Office has vowed to intercede in a pending work stoppage during the Olympics as the Sex Workers Union (SWU) has threatened a 'Lay Out' during the August Influx of cash carrying tourists for the gala event heralded as a 'boom to the econom...
Washington DC: President Obama has issued an executive order that all US civilian federal employees (civil service, political appointees, elected officials) and military personnel must become monastic (male and female monks) to retain their jobs.
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