DANBURY, Conn. (AP) - Police say a Danbury woman and a surgeon were charged after her 39 year old husband was punished with an electric shock device implanted in his penis intended to end a long-time affair. Forty-three-year-old Yolanda Montanez i...
Responding to worldwide criticism that the William J. Clinton Presidential Library has not immortalized some of the former President's more notable achievements during his tenure in the White House, museum curator Christine Jacobs Mouw announced in a...
For women, accessories relate to dress and include such items as bows, tiaras, necklaces, bracelets, pins, rings, anklets, purses, shoes, and men with thick wallets. For men, accessories relate to vehicles, and include hubcaps, rims, wheels, racing stripes, cabin-mounted rifle racks, decals, and truck balls. Although men accessorize both cars and trucks, the latter are often decorated with raci...
Most celebrities, most of the time, have nothing important or interesting to say, but, because they are famous (and rich), their every word is reported to the world. Unfortunately, they are usually misquoted, because their words are taken out of context, or so they say, and, when they are not being misquoted, they are misspeaking. No matter what they do or say, they claim that they are seldom, if...
Erotic art is an excuse, in the form of sketches, paintings, sculptures, and other media, to show naked people, many of whom are depicted as engaging in "erotic" (a codeword for sexual) activities. Although some people try to distinguish between erotic art and pornography, no argument for such a distinction has ever been generally accepted, and most people agree that one person's erotic art is ano...
The Bionic Woman was created out of spare, mostly human, somewhat female body parts as a companion for Colonel Steve Austin, a lonely former astronaut-become-cyborg, after she dove headfirst into a cow patty from a height of 12,000 feet in an attempt to decorate a clover patch with her remains. Before her tragic accident, she had been a tennis player known for her wicked backhand. Rebuilt by Dr...
Transfused with the blood of a mongoose that killed the venomous snake that sought to bite him, Bob Frank, a skinny bedwetter, acquired the ability to store massive quantities of urine, which he used as a weapon to fight supervillains and defend truth, justice, and maidenly virtue. Donning a urine-colored costume, the chest of which was emblazoned with a huge blue "W," to warn evildoers of the con...
Selma Beitner (aka Batsheva), whose screen name is Selma Blair because (1) "Blair" sounds better than "Beitner," (2) she wants to hide her Jewish heritage ("'Blair' sounds less offensively Anglo," she says), has starred in one or two blockbusters, but she is not adverse to accepting roles in independent films or even art-house trash when the meatier roles are not forthcoming. Her "versatility," sh...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - At the invitation of former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, her "good friend," artist H. R. Giger has agreed to license his artwork for use in another of his series of so-called "Giger Gay Bars." If the bar does well, Pelosi...
SILICONE VALLEY - Facebook has recently decided that, when it comes to women's chests, scars are okay. The social utility has decided that women will be allowed to display photographs of their mastectomy scars. "Even with regard to women, chests are...
PAPUA, NEW GUINEA - Scientists know it as "pacu," but the natives of New Guinea refer to the same marine species as the "fellatio fish." "It's a real ball-sucker," Jimmy Wade told this reporter. "Sometimes, the fish goes even further, becoming a real...
Several members of the Republican Party have transformed into duck penises. The mysterious condition began to take hold soon after they expressed outrage at a government funded research project on duck penises. Like the sexual anatomy of the male...
Amazon Forest, somewhere in Brazil: A huge hanging penis has been discovered by anthropologists studying hidden, indigenous tribes in the Amazon rainforests. The discovery is a sensation because never before has a living penis been discovered with...
A once promising high-tech startup company that had hoped to market a computer keyboard that allowed men to type with their penis has gone out of business. "We had high hopes for 'The Squirty Qwerty,' said Munsen Funjit, marketing manager of the...
Orb-Web Spider's Removable Penis Finishes Without Him. Lucky Orb-Spider. Dig if you will a picture: It's 6:30AM. You have 45 minutes to shit, shower and shave before you trudge off to the job that is slowly sucking your life-force away. Ripping Your Own Yogurt Chucker Off, Mid-hump, Makes As Much Sense... ... as calling a story with no actual names "too defamatory". Sadly, both happen more...
BOSTON, MA ---The FBI thwarted a suspected would-be-suicide bomber scheduled to fly Laker Airways flight 666 to London's Heathrow airport. The 'man' in custody is identified as Gregory Pecker. FBI agents are still in the early stage of the investigat...
ROMNEY, WV (ABSNN) Republican front-runner Mitt Romney lost his penis somewhere in Pennsylvania. He blames his Secret Service protection detail. The news of the lost penis was made public this morning in this tiny West Virginia town on the Maryland...
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