"Times have changed, and we need to change with them," was the New Year's message offered by Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn, who urged Americans to abandon unrealistic expectations about living in a trim, fit body. "We nee...
Discontented with life as usual, Bertram Harvest of Nashville, Tennessee, did a total about-face, followed by another, ending up in precisely where he had started. “What goes around comes around,” said Harvest. “In this case, it was me.” Accord...
Desperate to prevent Americans from ignoring its half-hearted health recommendations altogether, the Food and Drug Administration authorized eating up to two Christmas cookies per day for the duration of the holiday season. "We encourage people to...
A duckling that was the victim of a callous and unprovoked attack by a cockerel not yet two weeks ago, (TheSpoof.com 9 Dec) is making a rather splendid recovery, and is now able to stand on its own two feet again. The cockerel had attacked the muc...
Sources report that comic and podcast show host Joe Ragan, known for his protein-pounding, bow-hunting ways, secretly yearns to go vegan, but fears alienating his meathead fans. "It's not just a marketing thing," said one inside source. "He's gen...
Desperate to boost its credibility and popular appeal, the Food and Drug Administration is reportedly considering changing its name to the "Pizza and Drugs Administration". "The 'Pizza' wouldn't be referring to just pizza, of course," emphasized F...
Desperate to combat rising rates of chronic disease in an increasingly sedentary indoor culture, the Food and Drug Administration has officially classified 'going outside and remaining there for at least 30 seconds' as exercise. "It's something th...
"I knew I wasn't in the greatest shape," said Justin Toler of Nashville, Tennessee, "but meditation is just sitting there. I thought I could handle that okay." Unfortunately, that proved not to be the case. According to Toler, he arrived at Breath...
"Pizza can be a foundational part of a healthy diet, and adding just a little more tomato sauce can help Americans inch that much closer to their five recommended daily servings of vegetables," said Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Brett Gir...
Desperate to counter skyrocketing rates of mental illness and plummeting rates of physical activity, the Food and Drug Association has officially classified anxiety as exercise. "It really does get the heart rate up at times," said FDA Commissione...
Recognizing that cows, chickens, pigs, and other farmed animals are flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline in the moments of anticipation prior to their brutal slaughterhouse death, making their flesh that much unhealthier for huma...
Eating food that hasn't been prepared properly can often result in a variety of bacteria-based problems, and it was exactly this that was the case for one man's 'friend' in the Cambodian second city of Battambang this week, when the friend was diagno...
A new 'fad' of riding a motorcycle after having visited a doctor to have an intravenous saline solution drip fitted, has swept through one southeast Asian country almost as fast as the Dengue Fever it's hoped the drip will help clear up. The quirk...
Dr. Lyle Hackett, a lifestyle medicine physician who helps people cure chronic health problems through changes to their diet and lifestyle, made an impassioned plea for Americans to stop shaming fat people. "Just because you're grossly obese and c...
Heeding warnings that sitting is the new smoking, Henry Larkins,, a long-distance truck driver living in Nashville, Tennessee, ditched his habit of smoking cigarettes while sitting on his back porch and now instead smokes while standing up. "I kno...
Desperate to boost exercise rates, the Food and Drug Administration capitalized on the soaring popularity of electric scooters as an alternative means of transportation and formally classified riding the scooters as exercise that will count toward th...
Turning around a near-century-long slump in new customer acquisitions, proponents of healing via faith, prayer, and the laying of hands have successfully rebranded their variety of spiritual ministration as a holistic health remedy. "There's no re...
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