New to Australia? Here's our survival guide for your "New life in the sun" : 1) Don't rush into the nearest bit of sea, a shark will kill you. 2) Don't valiantly remove a spider from your pretty neighbour's bath, it will sink its deadly fangs into you and you will have 20 minutes to get an antidote or or it will kill you. 3) Don't leave your baby in her pram while you sunbathe, Dingos (pois...
THE TOP TEN BEST SELLING SINGLES OF ALL TIME ARE AS FOLLOWS: 1. If you leave me, I will kill myself. 2. If you don't leave me, I will kill myself. 3. I can't live without you. Until I get over it. 4. I would want to kill you if you ever left me but, as I am such a nice guy, I must spare you. 5. The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the Sun rose in your eyes. Now that you've...
Following are some weird laws from earlier Tennessee and have not been written off the list, so beware if you're visiting Dollywood or the Smoky Mountains. 1. No going bare in Bear Territory. We have lost too many of our citizens to still sleepy bears in the Spring. 2. A lightning storm while on the mountain is pretty but you should get down as soon as possible as there is no way of not stan...
If you are sick and tired of "Brandy, You're A Fine Girl or "You're 16, You're Beautiful and You're Mine", you might want to try these new Radio Formats coming in the next month or so: 1. Bagpipes For Making Out 2. Amish Silence With Frog Calls and Crickets 3. The All-Night Static Station for those Who are Nostalgic 4. From Yoda To Yoko 5. Twilight Time for Transvestites 6.
10 Riding on a horse has similar moves but the horse may not know what you're doing up there. 9. If you have a big butt, be careful you don't clear the floor! 8 Do not attempt if you have artificial hip or knee. 7. Check for "Wet Floor" signs. 6. Look around and be sure Kim Kardashian is not dancing there. 5. If you're a guy and it makes you feel gay, just do something else.
During our dinner date, I took what I thought was my heart medication. Within 30 minutes I realized I had committed a colossal boner. I think the saddest thing about a guy falling asleep at the wheel and dying is that in all likelihood, the last thing on earth he heard was Yanni on the radio. I'd never make it on one of those Survivor shows. Every time I think about eating somethi...
These Top Ten Ways to lose weight are easy as falling off a log. (Guess I better take that one off). 1. Always sleep on a vibrating bed. 2. Go Over A Fence that has a warning sign, "Dozen Bulls Horny Here!" 3. Crap on your food. 4. Easiest Push-Ups! (Pushing Up Daisies) 5. Snack on salted packing peanuts! 6. When introducing yourself at 'Get Acquainted Singles Meet', "Hello, my n...
1. beef liver 2. brussel sprouts 3. canned spinach 4. Hamburger Helper 5. boiled canned peas 6. okra 7. pickled beets 8. gizzards 9. liverwurst 10. lima beans 11. pickled pig's feet 12. prunes 13. pickled herring 14. turnips 15. beef brains 16. greasy cheesy hamburgers 17. sardines 18. octopus 19. venison 20. limburger ch...
1. grow beards and mustaches, chest and back hair 2. snore so loudly it can be heard two doors down 3. hunt and fish in the summer, winter, spring, and fall 4. play 18 holes of golf at the same golf course for 30+ years 5. break wind so loud it can be heard two doors down 6. change flat tires, oil, spark plugs, fuel filter, transmission fluid... 7. belch so loud it can be...
1. polish their toe nails while talking on the phone, eating a cheeseburger, and yelling at the kids 2. exercise at the gym without breaking a sweat 3. wear pointy, painful high heels all day 4. shop in all 500 stores at the Mall of America during one visit 5. pick out birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's, and Mother's Day gifts for themselves and everyone else 6. tr...
A secondary market in home made candy has gone stratospheric in Colorado's pot production capital. Here are the top 10 best selling snacks on sale this morning at a Girl Guides stall outside the Denver Municipal Marijuana Dispensary at 1999 Bong Street, all priced under a dollar a munch: 1. Double chocolate fudge brownie with roasted pistachio crust 2. Polish-style baked lemon cheesecak...
1. The Centipedes 2. Blackboard and the Nails 3. Cillia and the Phlegms 4. Joe Plaque and the Arteries 5. The Wheres 6. The Whens 7. The Whys 8. The Raisinettes 9. Boney and The Mastoids 10. Old Tuna 11. Icy and the Broken Hips 12. Arafat and the Jordanaires 13. Scud Missiles 14. The Rotten Mastodons 15. Orca Dinner 16. Stubby Toe and the...
CHICAGO - The Amalgamated Data Gathering Agency, recently conducted a national survey to determine the worst cat names in the United States. ADGA Executive Director Bagby B. Buckleybox, who has four cats, stated that over 825,000 individuals participated in the nationwide poll. Many of the participants submitted foreign cat names, but it was decided that these names would not be used since a...
In the week leading up to Valentine's Day, more than 35 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolate are purchased and over $1 billion worth of chocolate is sold in the U.S. The editors applaud the chocolate companies, like Whitman's, who give the consumer a chart with each chocolate box that lists each filling, so you can choose the ones you like best. But let the chocolate eater beware! Whil...
A survey of the recent gastronomic offerings at the Sochi Olympic Village revealed the following items, tended to by Edward Snowden, Steam Table Attendant. 30-day old Raw Black Sea Oysters Thrice-boiled Gulag Potatoes with Worms Breaded Wolf Cutlets with Fur Accents 50 Gallon Tub of Stinky Sour Cream Pickled Bear Claws NSA Caramelized Leeks with Twittered Parsley "Sturgeon Sur...
It has come to the attention of the Editors that certain first names do not age well with their owners. Before you choose a name for your girl baby, ask yourself these two key questions: 1. If the baby girl becomes a judge someday, does the name sound appropriate - as in "Judge________________(fill in blank with name). 2. Think of the baby as eventually being an elderly woman. Does the...
Toddlers, children who are between the ages of one and three, are inquisitive and "hands-on". The Editors have compiled a list of household items toddlers should never be left alone with, even for a minute: 1. marshmallow creme 2. scotch tape 3. Vaseline 4. flour 5. raw eggs 6. any kind of syrup 7. baby powder 8. cotton candy 9. spaghetti with tomato and meat s...
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