Dear Mr Laughton,
I refer back to a article what was printed in your magazine I think it was yesterday about an American business called "Connect-A-Cat".
Straight away I shouted out. What I shouted out was "Dilys", what is my wife of these years. She came in holding a goat what she had been brushing down. We keep Dutch and Finnish Landrace. We used to of had a collection of the Toggenburgs b...
Sick Of It
I'm sick of it. Who are these people? They send me junk mail, spam emails, cold call me when I'm having a bath, knock on my door asking if I've got any spare gold I don't want, and rattle collection boxes in my face when I'm going shopping. Why are they allowed to get away with it? If everybody behaved like the staff at Poundland, the world would be a much brighter place. Pro...
Having seen a photograph recently of young Justin Bieber's fringe - I have a theory. Having such a dramatic fringe does the lad no favours; it serves no purpose other than to make him look somewhat ridiculous. I suspect that the fringe is growing unnaturally out of his forehead, and not out of the top of his head, as he'd have us all believe. Does anybody share my suspici...
Our correspondent has picked what he thought to be the best three answers in the mail bag in response to the question: "What do you really think of David Cameron & the Tory Party" as posed in the 'Upper Grunge Gazette' last week.
From: Sir Gay W Eekend - Knightsbridge
David is doing a fine job in sorting out the horrendous mess left by Gordon Brown's shambolic collection o...
I always enjoy your magazine, it is so full of good advice and information. So I am sure some of your readers may help me perhaps.
What it is, is, I am looking for any advice, experiences, and so on, of your readers, who might know anything about "what to do with string".
Seemingly I have acquired, over the years, a good many pieces of string of all types. My friend, Dilys, who...
Dear Scobie Breasley,
are you able to put us in contact with other of your ilk, that is, Australian Jockeys of a certain age or era? It is always our goal to have these fellows stuffed and then lean them against one another all along my garden path (crazed-paved, quite the "yellow brick road", and cloche-lined ("I loath thy microscopic Crystal Palaces, Hereward, Hereward and Hereward", quoth Au...
DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE!
DON'T BOTTLE IT UP!
LET IT ALL OUT!
"Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help
With This Week's Guest Editor:
Irish Novelist, Short Fiction Writer and Postmodernist Dramatist
Samuel Beckett didn't bottle things up, certainly not when it came to writing all those novels, such as Molloy, Watt, and The Unnamable; shorter prose works like Imagi...
My nom-de-guerre is Francesca Nelligan-Spume and I live in a plant pot. The other morning at 3am, I was walking my Octopus 'Debussy' across South West England when my middle hand exploded on the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Apart from the fact that this bridge was Brunel's very first project, I am troubled by the mysterious Arab Chieftain who is never there when I get home...
How are yer? Notice that I didn't say 'Good day, Sport!' Oops! Now I did! Silly me! Yer can take the larrikin outa Perth but yer can't take Perth outa the larrikin! Jeez! Never mind, she'll be right, mate! Fair dinkum, cobber!
Kids and water, they love it. Rivers, canals, even the lily pond in the garden. Yer can't keep 'em away from it. Estuaries, seas, lakes. They can't keep out.
Excuse me for taking up space on your letters page, but I feel the need to vent.
And, let's be honest. I've read some of these letters you get sent in. How can I put it delicately? They're not exactly the Collected Letters of Robert Southey are they? So it's not as if I am taking up valuable literary space, now, is it? And no, I don't know who the fuck Robert Southey is, I just go...
I am writing in something of a self-defence mode today (how ironic to have to defend oneself in a supposedly free country only purged of the Nazi threat by brave soldiers cheered on by yours truly!), after reading an article in your usually-praiseworthy journal as recently as recently. This was a humorous 'squib' or 'skit' I fancy, about my famous songs 'We'll Meet Again' and 'White C...
I am writing to you because I always enjoy your Business Pages and the excellent analysis and advice provided therein (or is it thereon? it certainly isn't 'thereunder' or its arcane relative 'thereinunder' as those are terms used by solicitors to baffle the unwary, but, fair enough, it's a fair cop, fair dinkum, the game's up, you've got me bang to rights, I'll come quietly, society...
Your article about pantomimes brought back memories of when I was at art school and we wrote and performed in our own pseudo-pantomime called 'Aladdin & The Forty Critics: A History of Art Enslaved by Heterosexual Culture: This Is Not a Pantomime'.
Well, the last part of the title is obviously a reference to Rene Magritte's seminal 'Ceci n'est pas une pipe'. Ronnie Kitaj and I ha...
I am an astronaught, but unwilling to travel. I have been coming to the job centre for many months without success.
When will you introduce a NASA section?
I was made redundant from my job as a bell ringer. I came to the job centre and despite some difficulties, your staff managed to get me work at St Pauls Cathederal. They h...
I'm thrumok at sentibol lenthy pass tiddle itemgoss.
Saddy woecry, teary much all sad an thrum, no matter matter expensigo visage waky crumpo an boll.
Surely, in thum worldimuch daynightiho Skoob1999, mustard not Isle wightin all of greeny so, go fortifold ship all sinky wet an nastyho.
With regardinot and thim told ventyho, I...
How can Dia Rhia, (Welsh Sewer Supervisor) hate his job and describe it as shit? It is the business we are in!
When Mr. Rhia takes his family on holiday to the much subsidised Thames Water sewer farm holiday park, does he comlain then? I dont think so.
Mrs S. Hitter
Mr. Rhia has questioned the integrity of Thames water sewer workers after losin...
I disagree with Mr. Sutcliffe; (June Edition) That we are Mass murderers. I have been slaying innocent people for many years in and around the west country. I disguise myself as a Panther and attack at random. To date, I have killed 30 people, and a few sheep. I do not consider myself a Mass Murderer. Mr. Sutcliffe has a very narrow view of the serial Killers role.
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