ATLANTA - The Transportation Security Administration has announced that they are not happy about the fact that M.C. Hammer's 1989 hit song "U Can't Touch This" has become the anti-TSA pat down anthem. TSA spokesperson Clovis Baxter Shamnoodle stat...
The comedy of errors continued today as brain dead TSA workers, most who have been refused gainful employment due to learning disabilities or criminal history, managed to shut down SF International Airport over a Bogus Terror Bomb Alert! According...
BROOKLYN - Underground syndicate boss Salvatore "The Pizza Man" Goombalini has made it very clear to the TSA that he is not going to be putting up with having his private parts caressed, groped, or even touched. Goombalini speaking on Good Morning...
The TSA practice of using full-body scanners and physical pat downs to detect hidden items on travelers' persons is coming under increasing scrutiny. In an effort to find an alternative, the TSA has come up with a less intrusive way to get the job do...
LOS ANGELES - The Transportation Security Administration has issued a departmental directive stating that Hollywood celebrities Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and Kim Kardashian will all be exempt from having to go through a "Pat Down" security measur...
In a move to help quell the uproar over airport full-body scanners, Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano put in a personal call to the Man of Steel asking for help. The growing backlash from both passengers and pilots prompted an...
For those world-weary air travelers that have had to settle for having their crotch swept by the latex-covered back of the hand by some anonymous Transportation Security Administration (TSA) agent, rejoice: Now the TSA can work over your scumsack wit...
MIAMI, FL. -- A female TSA supervisor has been suspended without pay for misusing the recently installed airport body scanner. Sources say the as yet unnamed supervisor digitally photographed most of her male employees with its new high-tech security...
The new security screening device being tested by the T.S.A. has come under fire for the lack of privacy and for the intensity of the scan. The machine sees through clothing and can reveal intimate parts of a person's anatomy or undergarments. Wo...
In the face of repeated and widely publicized failures to detect handguns at airports and radioactive materials at ports, our investigation has revealed that the Transportation Security Agency (TSA) has developed a covert plan to avoid future humilia...
Los Angeles, California - Airline passengers are attempting to sidestep the airline industry baggage fee by wearing multiple layers of clothing that they would have otherwise packed and checked into as a piece of carry-on luggage. Although wearing th...
Washington, DC - A photo of Dick Cheney testing out a pair of new TSA X-Ray glasses was accidentally leaked to the press today. The new glasses are the latest security measure to be introduced to the TSA to help search for any weapons or bombs that t...
New York, New York - According to authorities, a man vacationing in Lima, Peru, was abducted, drugged and taken hostage by a pygmy marmoset monkey just before boarding a plane bound for New York City today. The pygmy marmoset monkey alluded TSA airpo...
Washington, D.C. - After several years of lobbying Washington, the shoe bombing breast milk feeding terrorist association today successfully got the TSA to lift its ban against lighters and breast milk. The ban will be lifted on August 4, 2007, givin...
In a surprise move today Transportation Security Administration spokesperson Amyl Calhoun announced new tougher restrictions for airline travel. The new regulations are being imposed starting tomorrow and are a response to charges that TSA airline s...
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