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Funny story: Letters To The Editor - Saturday Edition

Letters To The Editor - Saturday Edition

Sir, I feel compelled to take issue with all these buffoons who keep appearing on the nation's television sets, telling all and sundry that we Britons are obsessed with lavatorial humour. In my experience, there is nothing remotely humorous about a visit to the lavatory. It is, in fact, quite a serious business. For instance, when going for a lengthy sit down session, certain accoutrements mus...

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Funny story: More Of Your Letters To The Editor

More Of Your Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir, everywhere I look of late, in your magazine, I see stories about the cucumber. Why is this? I am writing to register my disapprehension of these mostly sordid tales of the humble cucumber. Remember: cucumbers are not the only fruit, as I think Shakespeare said in one of his sonnets, and Annie Lennox later quoted in her big hit after she left the Heuristics and took up the market ga...

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Funny story: More Preposterous Letters To The Editor About Pecking Orders

More Preposterous Letters To The Editor About Pecking Orders

Dire Sear. I have wishings to explort the known phrase, that is of "pecking order". I as you are knowing to, am from the origin, that which is of People's Republic de Chine, or that witch is the "Chinamen" to of old standings, leferences to such Blingo Harlls of etc, Narlwhich, Hrull, Wokington, etc many "Top Rlank" Blingo, fatty comickal jhoke-takure and so Forthe. "Pleas twoe Jingo-Jingo...

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Funny story: Letters To The Editor About Evolution

Letters To The Editor About Evolution

Deer Sire, I have fallowed with incest the rebates in your margarine conforming evolotion and weather it is proofed or knot. My fuse on the martyr are quaint queer hand I veal mauved to shear what I considre to be viral norwich. Let me explane with an extraplanetary orchestration, to hallucinate my paint, witch Iey quoite forme a booke buy Herberret Bandicoute, the sciontist: If a man...

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Funny story: More Begging Letters To The Editor

More Begging Letters To The Editor

The effects of this most confusing condition are truly bewildering. So I am doubly grateful for your time and understanding today. I, for example, have the random dislocation variant of the disorder, but there are many other ways in which sentences may be mixed, transposed or swapped. Donations will be gratefully received and will help us to work towards the rehabilitation of sufferers. This is th...

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Funny story: Begging Letters To The Editor

Begging Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir, may I make a plea on behalf of old barmaids? The popular image of the "busty barmaid", so beloved of the saucy postcard and the innuendo-driven sitcom, is a risible and sexually-charged popular image. It is not an image that lends itself to the pathetic, nor does it give pause. And why should it, when that barmaid in question carries the sheen of youthful brio and sex-appeal? B...

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Funny story: More Letters To The Editor From People With Silly Names

More Letters To The Editor From People With Silly Names

Sir, We have been reading with great interest the recent letters in your magazine from the people with the names. Of course, everyone has a name, excepting that cowboy that Clint Eastwood played, and those who wish to remain incognito - but even these people will often take an alias, such as Smith or Jones. But you get my point. This is interesting to us because we have quite a riot with our...

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Funny story: Even More Letters To The Editor

Even More Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir, I wish to conjoin in solidity with your erstwhile correspondent Mr Maurice Danser, in respect of his plea about names. You see, I am no stranger to the agonies of owning a 'notorious' name. Even my grandmother, whilst I was yet a toothless bairn in mittens and a tartan balaclava, would beset me with cries of 'give her a bun', and, twisting my nose would utter 'what a fine trunk'. A...

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Funny story: Letters To The Editor From Concerned Readers

Letters To The Editor From Concerned Readers

Dear Mr Laughton, I refer back to a article what was printed in your magazine I think it was yesterday about an American business called "Connect-A-Cat". Straight away I shouted out. What I shouted out was "Dilys", what is my wife of these years. She came in holding a goat what she had been brushing down. We keep Dutch and Finnish Landrace. We used to of had a collection of the Toggenburgs b...

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Funny story: Letters To The Editor - From Daft Bastards

Letters To The Editor - From Daft Bastards

Sick Of It Sir, I'm sick of it. Who are these people? They send me junk mail, spam emails, cold call me when I'm having a bath, knock on my door asking if I've got any spare gold I don't want, and rattle collection boxes in my face when I'm going shopping. Why are they allowed to get away with it? If everybody behaved like the staff at Poundland, the world would be a much brighter place. Pro...

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Funny story: Letters To The Editor - From Deluded People

Letters To The Editor - From Deluded People

Justin Bieber. Sir, Having seen a photograph recently of young Justin Bieber's fringe - I have a theory. Having such a dramatic fringe does the lad no favours; it serves no purpose other than to make him look somewhat ridiculous. I suspect that the fringe is growing unnaturally out of his forehead, and not out of the top of his head, as he'd have us all believe. Does anybody share my suspici...

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Funny story: Three Views On David Cameron & the Tories

Three Views On David Cameron & the Tories

Our correspondent has picked what he thought to be the best three answers in the mail bag in response to the question: "What do you really think of David Cameron & the Tory Party" as posed in the 'Upper Grunge Gazette' last week. From: Sir Gay W Eekend - Knightsbridge Inchcock, David is doing a fine job in sorting out the horrendous mess left by Gordon Brown's shambolic collection o...

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Funny story: More Surrealist Letters To The Editor

More Surrealist Letters To The Editor

Dear Scobie Breasley, are you able to put us in contact with other of your ilk, that is, Australian Jockeys of a certain age or era? It is always our goal to have these fellows stuffed and then lean them against one another all along my garden path (crazed-paved, quite the "yellow brick road", and cloche-lined ("I loath thy microscopic Crystal Palaces, Hereward, Hereward and Hereward", quoth Au...

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Funny story: Readers' Problems Answered III

Readers' Problems Answered III

DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Irish Novelist, Short Fiction Writer and Postmodernist Dramatist SAMUEL BECKETT Samuel Beckett didn't bottle things up, certainly not when it came to writing all those novels, such as Molloy, Watt, and The Unnamable; shorter prose works like Imagi...

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Funny story: Readers Problems Answered II

Readers Problems Answered II

DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Key 19th Century Literary Realist and Author of The Portrait of a Lady and The Turn of the Screw HENRY JAMES Henry James certainly couldn't be accused of bottling it up, with all those novels and stories under his belt, and all his incredibly long s...

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Funny story: Readers Problems Answered

Readers Problems Answered

DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Radical Poetic Innovator and Author of The Waste Land T S ELIOT T S Eliot didn't bottle it all up! He let it all out! Had he been a bottler-up, the world might never have seen The Dry Salvages or Ash Wednesday or Sweeney Agonistes (There's a lot to...

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Funny story: Surrealist Letters To The Editor

Surrealist Letters To The Editor

Dear Penguin-Wallpaper, My nom-de-guerre is Francesca Nelligan-Spume and I live in a plant pot. The other morning at 3am, I was walking my Octopus 'Debussy' across South West England when my middle hand exploded on the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Apart from the fact that this bridge was Brunel's very first project, I am troubled by the mysterious Arab Chieftain who is never there when I get home...

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