The Oldest international match on the planet was given extra entertainment value as Joe Hart, England goalkeeper, revealed to the world his next goal (very punny); he is training to participate in the next Olympics and hopes to win a gold in the "Bel...
After the mega success of Manchester United in the Europa League, Jose Mourinho, has decided he needs to strengthen his squad and has handed CEO, Ed Woodward, a list of 500 players he wants! The media circus around United is going bananas speculat...
Time magazine has just released their list of most influential people 2017. Amongst the world's most influential creative artists, musicians and political activists is a name unfamiliar with a large number of people around the world. The decision to...
A sad, humble bunch of spineless, blank-firing Gunners led by their French fumbling manager got blown away yesterday by a flock of ravaging Eagles at the Palace last night! Now normally managers would concede honorably to such a defeat but, Messr...
Looking to beef up their roster for the year, The Cuban National Football Team hired recently paroled cannibal Pepe Kerjoly. Hailing from a Serbian/Cuban family, Kerjoly was identified by prison scouts when he was a teenager and led the prison foo...
The annual national sack race that takes place in England around this time has been won by a rank outsider, Claudio Ranieri, of Italian origin, but residing in the stormy land of Leicester, UK. Previous winners, Jose Mourinho, Big Sam Allardyce, L...
Jose Mourinho, Manchester United manager, seems to have a chip on his shoulder as big as his salary because he is always grumpy! A soccer shrink working for Jaggedone's CIA (Cockroach Infiltration Army) called, Sir Blubby Blusby, has been studying...
Manchester, Sunday 15th on January, sees two once titanic giants clash in a Theater of Dreams, or a nightmare for one, depending who wins and loses this monumental battle. The crowns of these two giants has slipped drastically in recent years, but...
Hull City supporters, angry at the lack of investment in the club by its owners, which has resulted in a shortage of available players from which new manager Marco Silva can select, have organised a new protest. The fans attending Saturday's home...
The swivelling bowel of corruption that is FIFA has farted out it's newest half baked after birth covered idea. The world cup will be expanded to 48 teams. The declaration which was nailed onto the drawbridge at fortress FIFA read that by 2022, like...
With the news that long term arsenal target Julian Draxler has joined PSG on a four year contract we at BATTL news decided to pre-empt all the news and sport websites. We are great believers in the hyperbole and complete shrieking nonsense around football being the thing that has destroyed the game. Not the endless streams of money (nobody says a word about baseball contracts, formula one drivers...
The Manchester United board of directors have decided to part way with their recently acquired manager, Jose Mourinho! After 3 successive wins and a run of 10 games unbeaten the board told the parasitical British press that this was an unacceptable s...
After even more holes were shot into St Pep's wings by the incomparable lad Jamie Vardy (who celebrated his hat trick with two kebabs and a packet of Marlborough) we caught up with the Manchester City Maestro to find out what was going wrong. When...
According to a think tank of "investment consultants" (read: probable wankers) a large group of Saudi Arabian investors are looking to invest in a number of "top London" football clubs. A statement which immediately ruled Tottenham Hotspur out of the...
Blackburn Rovers superstar striker Anthony Stokes has pleaded guilty to attacking an Elvis impersonator one night out in the ghetto. The 28 year old has was described as having a "wooden heart" by the prosecutor displayed a lack of empathy as he ente...
Lionel Messi will escape any punishment for his childish outburst after his side were comprehensively beaten by Arab club Manchester City. The Argentinean whinger was visibly upset when the referee refused to award Barcelona a penalty or send a o...
THE ANTS NEST, Stratford, LONDON: In developments that have even taken the footballing world by surprise, Ms Karen Brady, known by her world wide name as the Duchess of Knightsbridge, has revealed a new rebranding development! "Stratfords' Olympi...
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